You know the phrase “those who can do, those who can’t teach?” Well, I guess we all know why Tyra Banks is hosting America’s Top Model instead of walking the runway. Usually Tyra Banks in a bikini is guaranteed lip-smacking goodness, but I doubt these bikini shots will make it into the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

Looks like the former super hot Supermodel has been hitting the catering table at her talk show a little too much. Even Tyra knows it. Check out her deathgrip on that wrap. Sorry Tyra…a parka would have been a better choice.

I was just starting to respect Britney Spears again. She’s dropped the frumpy mom image and is back to being hot Britney. She finally came to her senses and dumped her loser husband. She’s even working on a new album. All good things. But check out this report from E Canada Now:

Sources close to Spears report she is “seriously thinking about” giving away a digitally re-mastered copy of the four-hour long sex video.

“Half of nuthin’ is nuthin’, and that’s what her lying skunk of a husband will get if she gives that video away before he can find some sleazeball to buy it.

Seriously? That’s her plan? Is Britney so pissed at her soon-to-be ex that she is willing to let the world watch her do the nasty just to make him suffer? Ok, maybe I can respect that level of bitterness, but I have no desire to see K-Fed’s sex face, even if it is for free.

So here’s a better plan and it applies to all celebrity couples…don’t sue for custody of the kids, get custody of the sex tape!

Hilary Duff is digging deep. She is donating over 200,000 meals to shelters in Houston, Texas to benefit victims of Hurricane Katrina. I have to say it’s great to see a celebrity continuing to do good even when the story is out of the headlines. It almost restores my faith in the goodness of Hollywood…almost.

But because I am just too sarcastic to leave it there, listen to how Modern Guitars Magazine describes Hilary in their article detailing her charity work.

Internationally-celebrated, multi-platinum recording artist, concert performer, actress, designer, philanthropist and business woman Hilary Duff…

This girl has way too much time on her hands.

You know, when I get up in the morning, I get out of bed, have a cup of coffee then I get dressed. And when I get dressed, the first thing I put on is my underwear!! This is not a complicated concept. Why does it seem to elude Lindsay Lohan?

Maybe she’s making a political statement. Lindsay Lohan supports easy access. Believe me, LiLo, we know.

Oh, and if you’ve got the stomach for it, and haven’t already seen it 10 or 12 times, click on the thumbnail for an uncensored version of her girlie parts.

I’m guessing Elizabeth Berkely, star of the cinematic masterpiece Showgirls, has seen the pics of hardbody Jessica Biel dating Derek Jeter. Why else would Elizabeth be working out on what looks like a sidewalk in a mini-mall?

Of course she might not be trying to attract the attention of famous athletes. Maybe she’s giving pole dancing lessons to passing women. Check out where she wants the blonde to put her dollar.

Was that wrong of me?

Good morning, Mrs. Cruise. Your misison should you choose to accept it is to stand by this man through public mockery and bad movies. You must bear his children in silence, smile vacantly at endless photo ops and never wear high heels. If you succeed you will get one hell of a career boost. Warning, this marriage will self-destruct in 5 years.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist!

So last night, in an evening ceremony topped off by a fireworks display, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were finally married. Publicists for the couple report that the bride and groom wore Armani fashions and that the ceremony was performed by a Scientologist minister. Don’t worry I have no idea what a Scientology minister does either. The celebrity couple is expected to Honeymoon in the Maldives.

After months of rumor and speculation, vacant smiles and manic couch abuse. After using up every possible synonym for the word “amazing,” Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have vowed to stay together forvever and ever and ever. Does anyone still care?

Daughter Suri attended the ceremony along with Cruise’s children, Connor and Isabella, from his marriage to Nicole Kidman. Hollywood A-listers who made the guest list included Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Brooke Shields. We can only hope they all enjoyed the Dianetics reception favors.

If you listen closely you can hear Ferrari dealerships, Rolex salesmen and pretty much all of Las Vegas weeping into their lattes. Kevin Federline has lost his job as Britney’s moocher husband and baby stud. I hope Wal-Mart carries man-capris and wife beater tanks. Oh yeah, and his wife left him. I’m sure he’s upset about that too.

In this month’s Marie Claire magazine, Ashley Judd talks about her work as a Global Ambassador for YouthAids…and she’s naked on the cover!

I’m sure there’s something in that article about helping orphans and promoting safe sex…but she’s naked! Good thing that won’t detract from her message.

Hey, if Ashley is willing to go topless to raise awareness for children, why didn’t Sally Struthers ever do it for those starving kids in Africa? Wow, I can’t apologize enough for that mental image.

Make your peace with God, people. The end is near! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are finally getting married. The two of them actually getting to the altar has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse. So later today when the “amazing” and “wonderful” and glib-free duo vow to stay together until L. Ron Hubbard’s spaceship takes them home, I will be in church trying to convince God to let me into Heaven.

Yes, that is darling Lindsay Lohan locking lips with fashion designer Donna Karan at the Gold Fragrance launch party in London. I guess Lindsay has finally slept with every man on the planet. I didn’t think it was possible. Ok, I did think it was possible, but I figured it would take her a few more years. And check out the pic of Donna with her hand on Lindsay’s leg…that takes my mind to a bad, bad place.

It is official: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will get married tomorrow, Saturday the 18th, at Odescalchi Castle, a 15th-century fortress in the lakeside Italian city Bracciano. According to People magazine:

"Odescalchi had long been the anticipated wedding site, and Italian media have reported that the ceremony will be held in the castle’s Hall of the Caesars.

The $50,000 fee to use the facility has been waived, because Bracciano mayor Patrizia Riccioni wants to thank the couple for all the attention they’ve brought her town, Bush reported."

Ohhh! that is so sweet! Getting married in an old castle in Italy. Wow, it just doesn’t get any better than this… Congratulation to the happy couple!

A photograph of the Odescalchi Castle:

We haven’t seem much of Paris Hilton lately, but she’s trying to make up for it, by showing us "too much" of herself today. And the offending body part is a boob this time…

Normally I would’ve called this a nipple slip, but being that there is a lot more than a nipple showing here, I have to call it a boob slip. Not the best boobs on the planet, but a free boob show is better than nothing…

Click the photo above to see the large, un-censored version of Paris Hilton’s breast.

I just got wind that Natalie Portman is back with her ex-boyfriend, the Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal. The couple was spotted at a concert in London, where they French kissed repeatedly during the whole evening. The Sun reports:

"The petite beauty amazed partygoers at a SEU JORGE gig in London last night by spending the entire evening locking lips with her old flame.

Natalie split from MOTORCYCLE DIARIES star Gael in 2004, but judging by last night’s steamy display in Camden’s Roadhouse club, I doubt anyone else will get a look in.

My spy said: "They put on quite a show. They were all over each other all night. They did not care who saw, they had eyes only for themselves."

I understand her fascination for Latin men, but what ever happened to British billionaire Nathaniel De Rothschild?

According to the New York Post, Derek Jeter and Jessica Biel may be more than friends. The couple was spotted together last Tuesday, while they huddled in a corner of nightblug Hyde, and were "laughing and giggling together".

"At one point, Jessica, voted Esquire’s "sexiest woman alive" in 2005, went to the restroom and three girls quickly scurried over to chat with Jeter. But as soon as Biel returned, he put all his attention on her. The two left together. A Biel rep didn’t return calls."

What does a girl like Jessica Biel find in Derek Jeter is beyond my understanding, but that’s not up to me to find out…

Remember the incident just a couple days ago where some of Angelina Jolie’s bodyguards roughed up a bunch of parents and kids at a school in India? Well, surprisingly enough, three of them have been arrested. To which Angelina has responded, saying:

"It is not surprising that the press involved failed to mention their share of the responsibility in the chaos. As for this horrible rumor that someone referred to a local man as a ‘bloody Indian,’ let me say this: I would never work with anyone that was derogatory towards another man’s race. My family is of mixed race."

Yep, that’s the ticket… because of the press being there, the bodyguards were forced to beat those people up… makes sense… perfect sense!

Rumor has it that Rachael Ray’s husband, John Cusimano, likes to have dirty sluts spit on him. The National Enquirer runs a story this week about a woman who supposedly met him outside a lesbian bar and was paid to spit (it doesn’t say exactly where, but we can get a pretty good idea)…

The woman says: “Sometimes he’d be naked. I always kept my clothes on. John paid me up to $500 for a session. We’d often have sessions at least twice a month … I virtually supported myself by spitting on him. But there was never any normal sex involved. He once offered to pay me $1,200 to perform a kinky sex act with him, but I refused.”

How decent! She is the type of slut that can survive in NYC on just $1,000 a month, but won’t take her clothes off for one of her clients… Oh, wait! I get it.. it’s because she likes women, not guys. Remember the "outside a lesbian bar" part?