Oh the joys of divorce, when you and your ex divide up your friends along with the books and dvds. In the Mills-McCartney split, it looks like Sir Paul got custody of Eva Longoria (whether he wants her or not).

ContactMusic.com has a story about a Heather Mills possibly doing a guest spot on Desperate Housewives. And Eva Longoria is not happy about it.

Cherry recently revealed he’d love to audition the estranged wife of SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY for a spot in the ABC series, saying, “If Heather Mills can act I’d be interested. It would be fascinating.” But regular Longoria was livid when asked if Mills would appear in the next season, saying, “Oh God no. Not at all. That’s crazy, it would be completely crazy. “If she did have a part I would be offended.”

Does Eva even know Paul or Heather? It’s one thing to help your college friend trash talk their ex and plot revenge when their marriage hits the skids. But its just not cool to fat mouth a peg legged golddigger when you don’t even know the people.

Besides, that’s my job.

Sorry, false alert. Keith Urban is not out of rehab. Apparently the Betty Ford Center has a yo-yo policy that allows patients to bounce in and out when they need a botty call.

Bumpshack reports that Keith was only visiting wife Nicole Kidman and is going back to the booze big house.

Keith Urban is still in rehab according to his representative. Urban was in Australia for the Christmas holiday and a conjugal visit with hottie wife Nicole Kidman.

“Keith is on a leave in Australia to be with his family during the holidays,” Urban’s publicist, Paul Freundlich, tells the Associated Press. “This is a natural occurrence at this point in his treatment. He will continue with his rehab upon his return.”

Is it just me, or is this whole rehab concept starting to sound alot like the buddy who lets you crash on his couch when your wife kicks you out?

Remember that model from like a decade ago? The curvy one with the mole? No, the other one. Yeah, that’s Niki Taylor. Well, she just married a race car driver.

From People:

Supermodel Niki Taylor has married NASCAR driver Burney Lamar after a four-month engagement, PEOPLE has confirmed.

Taylor, 31, now a clothing entrepreneur and a mother of two, told PEOPLE in July that she had wanted to find the right man, but wasn’t in a hurry. “If I have a date, then I have a date, but it’s all about (sons) Jake and Hunter right now.”

I wondered what had happened to Niki. She has been off the radar for so long I kind of thought she had died or, you know, gotten fat. But lo and behold, she is alive and beautiful and has been working and spending time with her children.

Um, I don’t know what to say about that. Celebrities acting normally confuses me. And suppose this marriage actually lasts…my brain might explode.

Has the American Idol muppet turned into a diva? According to one ex-fan, Clay Aiken has let the adoration of thousands of tweens go to his head.

TMZ has the story of disillusioned Claymate, 15 year old, Joshua Willard.

Willard says Aiken was rude to audience members and told several people to sit down and cover their mouth. Clay even showed a raunchier side by pretending he had flatulence every time feedback came through the speakers. Talk about making a stink!

An hour after the show, Willard got to meet Clay, but says that Miss Thing was “snotty” and acted like he was too good for his little fans. The former Claymates were even told not to take individual pictures with Aiken, only group shots. Willard is devastated and says that due to Aiken’s behavior, he now “could care less of Clay.”

Be careful, Clay. Piss off the teen crowd and you’ll find your CD’s in the bargain bin along with NSYNC and Menudo.

One more thing, what has happened to this guy? He looks like my fat Aunt Clara.

Paris Hilton is ringing in the New Year in Sydney, Australia. The publicity starved heiress is hosting a New Year’s Party and helping judge a contest to find the next spokeswoman for Bondi Beer. I don’t know if pole dancing and paparazzi posing are categories in this competition, but I’m sure there must be something Paris is capable of judging.

While down under, Paris managed to make of spectacle of herself at the beach. Here she is in her LV bikini trying to attract as much attention as possible by turning her rinse off into a soft core porn video.

It may be hard to believe, but I do have a heart and it hurts me to write this post. I really like Jennifer Aniston, I do. But I have taken a solemn blogger vow to tell the mostly truth about celebrities and I can’t ignore that…not even for poor Jennifer.

Close friends of Jennifer (at least they were friends) have spilled the beans on Jennifer’s not quite right mental state to US Weekly.

On the effect of seeing pictures of baby Shiloh:
“she collapses in a heap, clutching her womb like she’s been stabbed if she so much as passes a baby stroller on the street.”

Hey, there’s a bright side:
“At least she’s stopped watching ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith’ over and over again, for days at a time without eating or sleeping. That just wasn’t healthy.”

I was on Jen’s side through the divorce. I blamed Brad and Angelina for everything. Of course they hooked up during Mr. & Mrs. Smith, shame, shame, shame. I even tried to be happy for Jen when she dated that fatty Vince Vaughn (I failed, but I did try).

But burning baby dolls in Malibu? Oh Jen, it’s been two years. Burn Brad’s pictures, vandalize a few pictures of Angelina, get drunk and binge on ice cream and get over it.

What’s wrong with these pictures? You might be tempted to think the answer is the fact that Victoria Beckham is wearing a see through shirt and no bra (and it is apparently a cold night). You might even be tempted to think outside of the nipple box and point to Posh’s ridiculously fake breats as the problem. But, you would be wrong again.

The correct answer is that Victoria Beckham doesn’t require an x-ray machine to see her sternum…and that, my friends, is just wrong. When you are so thin that you can examine your ribs by simply looking in a mirror, it’s time to put down that carrot stick and order a pizza.

Ho, Ho, Ho and Happy New Year. Granted there isn’t much of Pamela Anderson we haven’t seen, but in case you have forgotten the red swimsuit, here’s Pamela in a red tube top that she somehow stretched into a dress. This was no accidental upskirt, people, this was just fashion physics in action.

Well, at least Pam is wearing matching undies, which proves Pamela can think ahead. Now if only she could apply that forethought to her marriage choices.

Mike Tyson has been busted again. No, he didn’t make a meal out of someone’s ear (that was my first thought too). Boxing’s most embarassing man was arrested in Arizona today for a DUI and possession of cocaine after running a stop sign and almost hitting a sheriff’s vehicle.

I always knew Mike would end up in jail again, but this is kind of anti-climactic. If he’s going to get arrested, it should be for going Godzilla on a small town. The man is a convicted rapist, he bites off body parts and threatens to eat children. Getting for busted for doing a few lines is just a let down.

It’s a sad day when you can’t depend on Mike Tyson for a good dose of senseless violence and destruction.

Here’s a head scratcher for you. Even though Britney Spears hasn’t been able to take too much time out from her busy schedule of drinking, partying and hoochie flashing to spend time with her two boys, the comeback staging pop-tart might be adding another tot to her tax return.

From Starpulse News Blog:

The singer - who recently filed for divorce from Kevin Federline - fell for a four-year-old boy called Wang, from Bali, who lost his entire family in the 2004 Indian Ocean tragedy, after reading about his plight.

Britney - who has two children with her estranged husband, Sean Preston, 15-months-old and three-month-old Jayden James - has even consulted celebrity pal Madonna, who recently adopted a Malawi boy.

Here’s how I see this going down. Britney adopts little Wang and brings him home surrounded by paparazzi. There will be cover stories in People and US, and a blurb on Entertainment Tonight. (This will all happen just about the time Britney’s comeback album is released…how fortuitous) Then, in about a month, Wang will disappear into the Spears kids Bermuda Triangle and we won’t see him again until he writes his tell all book about Mama Dearest.

Hazel and Phinnaeus are about to have a potentially moniker-challenged sibling. Page Six reports that Julia Roberts is pregnant again.

Page Six has learned that the auburn-tressed Oscar winner is pregnant with her third child and will give birth next summer.

It’s not known how the Georgia-born beauty’s pregnancy will affect her latest screen projects. Roberts, who commands up to $25 million per movie, is appearing in Mike Nichols’ new flick, “Charlie Wilson’s War,” and has reportedly signed to do “The Friday Night Knitting Club.”

$25 million dollars a picture? For $25 million dollars Julia better act, direct, paint the scenary and sweep the lot.

Between the ridiculous salaries movie stars are “commanding” and the fad for adopting foreign children why don’t all these stars team up and just buy Africa?

Ashlee Simpson gave her cleaning woman a Christmas bonus of used clothing. You know, if I had to clean up after Ashlee, I would have preferred cash and anti-bacterial lotion.

From In Touch Weekly:

When Ashlee Simpson moved recently, she discovered how many barely worn outfits from designers like Marc Jacobs, Juicy Couture and Calypso she owned. Rather than let the clothing remain in the back of her closet, the singer gifted a number of the outfits to her cleaning woman, Maria. Maria, who hails from Brazil, was so thrilled by Ashlee’s generosity that she sent some items back home for her family. “It makes Ashlee feel so wonderful to be able to give something back,” says a pal. “It’s truly what Christmas is all about for her.”

Maybe Ashlee should have kept the designer clothes so she could stop going out in public looking like a bag lady.

Oh, shame on me. This was a truly generous and kind thing to do and maybe Maria really was thrilled with the low rise jeans and skimpy tops. I’m sure the leather pants will be oh so comfortable as she is scrubbing Ashlee’s puke off the bathroom floor.

The Rosie and Donald feud has gone to the next level…blogs. At least the battle between these two annoying voices has gone to the written word so I don’t have to listen to either of them anymore. Fingernails on a chalkboard people…both of them.

People reports:

O’Donnell said on The View she would give her reaction to the whole situation - then simply looked at the camera and grimaced. But she clearly had more to say.

In response, Trump told the New York Post, “Rosie got mentally beaten up by me, because she’s a mental midget, a low-life. I think she’s got a death wish. It’s too bad a degenerate is able to get away with things like that.”

I have a compromise. Put them both in the Miss America pageant. Donald would get to know what it feels like to be treated like a piece of meat and Rosie would get to understand what it feels like to be a woman.

Paris Hilton does not take rejection well. Aftrer getting dumped by briefly BFF Britney Spears, Paris has once again resorted to creative name calling.

US Weekly says:

Though the pair were once practically joined at the hip (they previously had a sleepover in Las Vegas and were spied dancing on banquettes at West Hollywood’s Hyde), things went sour after Spears took heat in the media for partying while leaving her two kids, Sean, 15 months, and Jayden, 3 months, at home.

“Britney doesn’t think about things before she does them. She just acts out,” says the source.

Well, it isn’t exactly up to the “Firecrotch” level of entertaimment, but its not bad. It makes me wonder if Paris has a comedy writer on the payroll along with her waxer, plucker and personal shot pourer.

Proving that she has no grasp on real life whatsoever, Lindsay Lohan is trying to make friends with the strippers she called whores.

Page Six reports:
Lindsay Lohan got down and dirty at Scores West for three hours early yesterday - jumping onstage to do a wild bump-and-grind, then ushering topless dancers into the bathroom to apologize for recently calling them all
“whores.”

“I love strippers,” the 20-year-old actress gushed as she entered the famed mammary mecca at 12:30 a.m., and launched into a half-hour deejay shift during the club’s “Turntable Tuesdays.”

I like to imagine that after Lindsay’s little repentance bathroom party, at least one of those strippers went home, jumped online and sent an email to a friend of hers saying “Lindsay Lohan is such a whore.” At least she’d be right.

Keith Urban has been released from dry dock just in time to see this picture hit the blogs. If Keith ever needs a reason to stay sober all he needs to do is look at this terrifying picture of drunker times with ugly chicks.

Amanda Wyatt, a 23 year old model, has publicly announced that she had an affair with the highlighted country singer right up until he married Nicole Kidman,

When we made love he never used protection…He told me that he liked that I didn’t pressurise [sic] him to get married or have babies…I tried not to fall in love with him but we were together throughout the whole time he was dating Nicole and engaged to her, right through 2005 and to around May 2006….I’m sorry if I hurt Nicole but I just want to tell the truth and move on. I hope that she finds happiness with him but Keith is a deeply troubled man. I hope for her sake that he sorts himself out. She deserves better.

And if that little confession isn’t enough to cleanse her soul, the “in no way out for attention and my fifteen minutes of fame” model (model of what I don’t know) has another belated Christmas gift for Keith.

He drank constantly his favourite was Crown Royal Reserve whisky and he did drugs. Ecstasy, cocaine, pot you name it…Looking back, I rarely saw him sober. He’d work during the day but the bourbon would be flowing and, at night, he’d take ecstasy and coke. We partied constantly.

Nothing says love like trying to ruin a man’s marriage and sobriety.

I am so sorry, but if I have to suffer, so do you. Hold on to your Christmas dinner, grab an air sickness bag if you have to, but here is Tara Reid, botched liposuction and all, in a bikini.

Remember when Tara Reid was hot? Remember when she was a fun loving, party girl on the brink of stardom? Well those days were about 1000 jell-o shots, 50 cartons of Camels and three discount plastic surgeries ago.

Now Tara with her puckered up tummy and cottage cheese thighs has become a walking after school special on the dangers of trying to stay famous. If any of your kids ever say they want to be a celebrity just show them Tara Reid and they’ll be running as fast as they can to medical school.

As the New Year begins and so many of us make our resolutions to lose weight, knowing that by Febuary we’ll be binging on pizza and tequila and trying to avoid even driving by the gym, Jessica Alba can be the guiding light that makes us feel even worse.

eCanadaNow quotes Jessica saying:

“I have curves, but I don’t really like them. I wish I was skinnier and taller.”

Um, what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah, I remember. Bitch.

For all of us who envy the beauty of celebrities, their fabulous clothes and glamorous lifestyles…here’s a story to make us feel a little bit better about being on the outside of the velvet rope.

From The Daily Mail:

In the words of her movie alter ego, Renee Zellweger’s red carpet appearances are always v. v. good. But then, with an arduous beauty regime at her disposal - including a dosing of neat oxygen and some facial ’sand blasting’ - it is little wonder that the 37-year-old actress looks so polished. Indeed, before every glamorous premiere, the American star undergoes a bizarre biochemical facial routine, designed to rid her skin of any blemishes and keep her looking young. As well as a £145 ‘triple oxygen treatment’, Miss Zellweger endures a 60 minute ‘microdermabuffing’ session, described by practitioners as ’sand-blasting for the face’.

So here’s your happy ending for the day..those celebrities are not naturally more attractive than you. They’re cheating. After waxing, sandblasting, plastic surgery and airbrushing even Quasimodo could could land a role opposite George Clooney.

Tori Spelling is already married, but her romantic (or confused) hubby popped the question again on Christmas.

Something about Christmas puts Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling in the mood for matrimony. McDermott first proposed on Christmas Eve in 2005 (he and Spelling wed in Fiji in May) and this Dec. 25, he popped the question again.

Just out of curiosity, if your husband asks for your hand in marriage, are you even allowed to say no?

I’m guessing that Tori had to hock her engagement ring and Dean proposed again to make the Cracker Jack prize ring he gave her to replace it seem less pathetic.

Seriously, Tori, time to make up with Mama, you don’t do poverty well.