As if we needed any more proof that Britney Spears belongs in rehab, here’s the story that sealed the deal. An angry, bald Britney took an umbrella and beat the crap out of an unarmed car outside of Kevin Federline’s house.

From ET Online:

On Wednesday a desperate Britney was photographed using an umbrella to hit a car outside the home where her ex, Kevin Federline, is reportedly staying. The photos reveal a furious Britney dressed in white shorts and a hooded sweatshirt repeatedly striking an SUV with an umbrella.

After reportedly spending 45 minutes outside his residence, Britney’s mom picked her up and eventually brought her to the rehab facility.

So Mama Spears took her little girl to rehab. Well done, Mom. It just goes to show no matter how old, rich or drugged out you may be, your mother still knows best. Let’s hope Britney takes the intervention to heart this time, because once you’ve attacked a car with an umbrella there isn’t much further down you can go. Well, maybe swimming naked in a sewar, but I don’t really want to see that.

Well, the judge in charge of Anna Nicole Smith’s remains has finally reached a decision. The judge released Anna’s body into the custody of the Miami attorney appointed as baby Dannielynn’s guardian who then decided that Anna would be buried in the Bahamas next to her son, Daniel.

But Reuters reports that Anna may not be ready to rest in peace just yet:

The decision appeared to mean the legal tussle over the former topless dancer, famous in life for her bountiful bust, was all but over. But Milstein and Arthur’s attorney said Smith’s estranged mother would appeal, likely delaying the release of the body.

Mama Arthur needs to give it a rest. While she’s busy fighting for her few minutes of fame and fortune, Anna’s body is deteriorating in a Miami morgue. Pretty soon there won’t be anything left of her but silicone and fake nails.

If the fight over Anna’s body is dragging on this long, can you imagine what the custody hearing for the baby is going to be like? My Tivo doesn’t have enough memory for that.

Lindsay Lohan is planning to attend Robert Altman’s LA memorial service. This announcement comes after Lindsay blew off the New York memorial to go out partying with Jackass Steve-O.

Lindsay has been blasted for skipping the service after she had called Altman “the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I’ve had in several years.” But hey, I’m sure Altman would have wanted her to hit the clubs instead of paying her last respects to him.

Well, I’m glad to see that whole rehab thing paid off. I was starting to worry about Lindsay’s addiction to compasison and friendship. It’s good to see her skipping a funeral, that’s a positive step. Maybe next she’ll start forgetting birthdays and ditching weddings.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may be planning to add another bundle of joy to their brood of beautiful babies. US Weekly is reporting that the do-gooder parents are planning to adopt a Vietnamese boy from the Tam Binh orphanage.

A source says:

“Angelina and Brad have filed papers with the US Citizenship and Immigration services to adopt a boy from the Tam Binh orphanage in Ho Chi Minh City.”

You know, most people just pick up a t-shirt or a hand woven basket as souvenier when they visit a foreign country. Leave it to those two to find the one tourist trap in Viet Nam that sells orphans. Personally, I would have gone for the knock-off Louis Vuitton bag, but that’s just me.

Third time’s a charm. Britney Spears is back in rehab…again. TMZ is reporting that a lawyer for Kevin Fedelrine has announced that Britney has checked back into the Promises treatment facility. Coincidentally the emergency custody hearing that K-Fed requested for today has been cancelled. K-Fed’s lawyer added that this is Britney’s last chance and that if she doesn’t remain in rehab for at least 30 days, Kevin will immediately go to court and seek full custody of the kids.

K-Fed has reportedly had the orphans…sorry kidlets…since Thursday and refused to let Britney see them when she showed up at his house last night.

So K-Fed is doing something right, Britney is in rehab and the kids are actually with one of their parents. I’m so confused. I don’t understand how all this good decision making happened. It makes my head hurt. I can’t wait until tomorrow when Britney breaks out of rehab again and the world rights itself.

Britney Spears may have a death wish. And I’m not talking just career suicide, but actual suicide. The National Enquirer is reporting that the melting down Britney tried to kill herself not once, but twice in the hours after her head shaving escapade.

Hours after creating a media frenzy by shaving her head, sources say the troubled star tried to take her own life by walking into traffic, only to be rescued at the last second by her staff.

Britney’s emotional collapse was triggered by a “reconciliation” with estranged husband Kevin Federline — that was actually meant to be an intervention, sources tell The ENQUIRER.

Now it is The Enquirer so keep your giant grain of salt handy, but this story doesn’t seem quite as far fetched as their headlines about aliens camping out in the Grand Canyon or a sighting of Elvis doing bikini waxes at Club Med.

Christina Aguilara is denying rumors that she is in a family way. The shockingly stable pop star is laughing off a report that she went on a spending spree for baby goodies at the chic Beverly Hills boutique Bellini.

A misinformed employee told the New York Daily News:

“They seemed really excited. She was talking to [another customer] and she said she took a home pregnancy test and that it was positive. She kept saying they’d have to come back when they knew the sex of the baby.”

Christina’s rep says no way:

“It’s all made up. She was not at Bellini. She was on a plane to Las Vegas for the NBA appearance.”

Is anyone else amazed that Christina Aguilara turned out to be the stable one from that group of Britney/Christina/blonde wannabe pop tarts? Go figure.

Looks like Hugh Grant can rsvp yes to ex-girlfriend Liz Hurley’s wedding. Hugh’s new girlfriend Jemima Khan had forbidden him to attend the shindig, but Jemima and Hugh have gone kaput. Could it be because she was a jealous shrew?

From The Sun Online:

The Music and Lyrics star, 46, had been BANNED from the bash by Jemima because of her feud with Hugh’s ex. But the actor — who announced his split with Jemima on Friday — has now booked a hotel room for the March 3 wedding in Gloucestershire. A source said last night: “There is nothing stopping him any more. He is expected to go.” Hugh has remained pals with Liz, 41, since they split up six years ago.

I don’t think Liz registered for a break-up, but it was a thoughtful gift. Although if I have learned anything from Hugh Grant movies, I think this is the part when Liz asks him to walk her down the aisle and half way to the altar Hugh stops, stutters something British and then convinces her to ditch the groom and run away with him. Of course if he tries it, Liz will probably smack him with her bouquet. How many years did she wait for him to pop the question? That gorgeous boat has sailed, my friend.

The world has Kevin Federline to thank for Britney’s bald head. Apparently the has-been pop star was worried that her hair would be used against her in a court of law…or at least in a child custody case.

From Extra:

According to a stunning new report in OK magazine, Kevin Federline was at the pop star’s Malibu mansion on Friday when she arrived home from rehab, and a blowout between the exes broke out.

“They had a huge argument,” revealed OK’s Rob Shuter. “Kevin threatened Britney that he was going to have people test her hair to find out exactly what she’s been up to. She was so scared. That was what made her have her head shaved.”

So Britney melted down, went clipper crazy and then had a brief moment of clarity about the mess her life has become and checked herself into the Promises rehab facility. Then she realized changing her lifestyle would be involved and she checked herself back out a day later. So beware, the Britster is still on the loose and she may be packing clippers.

I don’t know if I can even make fun of Britney anymore. It’s just too sad. Kind of like when you drive by a car accident and see a clown pinned beneath a semi-truck. You want to laugh, but then you get a flippy feeling in your gut. Is that called guilt? Well, it’s no fun. Which color pill do I take to get rid of it?

Tyra Banks is celebrating the 10th Anniversary of her appearance on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition by recreating the cover photo. She’s in the same suit and even went so far as to use the same photographers. Are we supposed to be impressed?

I’m confused. Didn’t Tyra just go on a huge rant on her soon-to-be-cancelled-because-it-sucks talk show to tell women everywhere that we shouldn’t feel pressured to be supermodel skinny? So she’s backing that up by looking airbrushed thin and bragging that she can wear the same suit she wore 10 years ago. Hello, hypocrite.

Well, I hope Tyra’s stunt made her feel better about those extra pounds, because she has annoyed me and I refuse to watch her show ever again. Ok, I don’t even know when her show is on, but I’m going to go find out just so I can make a point to watch a documentary on cheese making instead. How’s that for principled?

So golden boy Tom Brady knew that ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan was preggers when she made the baking bun public knowledge. And even though Tom is the guy who ditched his preganant girlfriend for a supermodel, Bridget is still managing to come off like a jealous, bordering on obsessed, I’m carrying your baby so you have to love me kind of chick.

From US Magazine:

A friend of Brady’s tells Us that the Superbowl champ was blindsided by Moynahan’s press blitz. “He’s disappointed this is how she’s decided to play it,” says the pal. “She announced it to make him look like a jerk.”

While the friend says the couple didn’t know Moynahan, 36, was pregnant when they broke up in November, Brady “has known about it for a while.”

You know, you don’t see Payton Manning running around with his Superbowl trophy knocking up actresses and then hooking up with international sex symbols. Wait, I forget, does that make Tom Brady a putz or the guy every man wants to be when he grows up?

So Paris Hilton turned 26th and celebrated with a big bucks party in Vegas. Don’t care? Neither did any of her friends. Apparently Paris’ bash was minus the A-listers and celebrity pals the publicity addicted heiress was expecting. At one point Paris announced that Nicole Richie “was on her way” but the tiny celeb never showed.

A spurce says:

But even without many boldfaces, things at the after-party at the Penthouse Suite got a little odd. After downing TY KU liquor and bottles of Dom Perignon, guests reported seeing Hilton play with a monkey while a band of midgets led a pack of goats around the room.

Forget balloon animals, every happening party needs midgets and goats. I’m sure the twisted petting zoo parade more than made up for all of her “friends” standing her up on her special day. Could it be that after uears of trying, Paris has finally managed to alienate everyone in entertainment and money bags society?

If you have a million dollars to spare and high threshold for ickiness, you can buy Britney Spears’ hair. Yep, you read that right…you can buy her hair (extensions included), the clippers she used and the Red Bull she was drinking when she did the deed and yes, it will cost you a million dollars.

I’m sorry (no I’m not, I’m just saying that) but buying a pile of used human hair and nappy extensions is just gross. Even the pictures are nasty. The hairball was first offered on ebay but the listing was pulled and now has its very own website. The winning bidder will also own the buybritneyshair.com website. I guess so said person can show the world that their money and their internet connection should both be taken away.

I doubt that she needed it, but Scarlett Johansson has yet more proof that she’s a super-sexy woman. Playboy Magazine has named Scarjo as their Sexiest Celebrity of the Year. Scarlett beat out a horde of other Hollywod hotties including Angelina Jolie, Beyonce and last year’s winner Jessica Alba,

Playboy’s reason for choosing the blonde beauty:

Scarlett Johansson is the apex of beauty and sensuality - from her porcelain skin to her fully feminine figure to her mysterious charisma, which is at once palpable and indefinable.

So is “fully feminine” the new way to say big boobies? I don’t know who Scarlett’s publicist is, but I’m starting to think it’s Lucifer himself because this chick is everywhere. I’m waiting for the day that Scarlett presents an Oscar to herself for playing herself in “The Scarlett Johansson Story.” Oh, and I’m sure she and her rack will look fabulous doing it.

Sylvester Stallone didn’t get quite the wamr reception he was expecting from the folks down under. Sly was in Australia to attend the premiere of his latest flick “Rocky Balboa” when he was busted by customs cops at the Sydney airport. At the time of the oops Sly told everyone it was just a “misunderstanding.” But then they showed up to search his hotel room and his plane. Oops again.

E! News reports:

As officials stopped by the Park Hyatt hotel to issue the actor a summons to answer charges on the prohibited substances, Stallone and his cohorts were allegedly seen tossing something out of the windows of their hotel room. A search of the room allegedly resulted in additional evidence, per the Telegraph.

A full sweep of his private plane ensued, though the actor was cleared to leave the country later in the day as the investigation proceeds.

The going rumor is that Sly was busted for possession of illegal bodybuilding substances. Well, duh. The guy is like 80 years old and he’s trying to be a boxer. This guy is probably so full of growth hormones and horse steroids that he fired his physician and now travels with a personal veterinarian instead.

Daniel Radcliffe, the 17 year old actor otherwise known as Harry Potter, made a big debut in London Theatre. In an effort to distance himself from his bespeckled alter ego, Radcliffe appears on stage in the nude in Peter Shaffer’s classic play “Equus.”

From The Daily Mail:

The 17-year-old truly impressed with a bravura full-frontal display that earned him a standing ovation.

The new performance comes as Radcliffe says he hopes the boy wizard dies in the seventh and last book of the series.

Blinding horses, hoping everyone’s favorite wizard gets bumped off and flashing his manstick. That’s teenage rebellion drama club style. But it doesn’t matter, he’s still Harry Potter…get over it horse boy.

So bald-ass Britney isn’t taking a break from her mental meltdown. The out of control pop-tart was spotted hitting the Hollywood scene sporting a blonde wig.

From The Daily Mail:

The strange world of Britney Spears has got even stranger. Soon after shaving off all her hair, she donned a bizarre blonde, Marilyn Monroe-style wig and large black sunglasses to visit yet another club.

One clubber said: “It was a shock to see her in a wig after what she had done to herself. While she was in the club she kept going to bathroom all the time, which was weird.”

Pick something that isn’t weird about this situation. Britney is bald, crazy and too rich to have someone slap her until she realizes that she’s a freaking nutcase who will lose her career and her kids. Could she make her lawyer’s job any more difficult? At this rate she’s going to show up in court with a penguin tattooed on her BALD head and claim that wants custody of the kids so she can lead them on a pilgrimage to Antartica to worship the penguin that led the march in that feel good movie from last year.

Lindsay Lohan has been freed from her revolving door rehab facility. And the sober (*cough* bullshit) startlet celebrated by hitting the Hollywood party scene.

From PR Inside:

The actress officially checked out of the Wonderland Center in the Hollywood Hills after completing a 30 day stay on Friday (16FEB07). The night before being released from the facility (15FEB07), Lohan was spotted partying at Hollywood nightclub Teddy’s.

The 20-year-old, who is not legally allowed to drink in the US, was photographed late Friday night (16FEB07) at Los Angeles club Les Deux. The Mean Girls star was seen chatting with Justin Timberlake in the parking lot just as he was leaving the club.

So I forget, which step is it that says “go forth and hang around booze, drugs and all things that threaten your sobriety?” Oh yeah, that’s step 13…relapse.

Bridget Moynahan has gone public with the news that she is carrying ex-boyfriend Tom Brady’s legacy. And no, she didn’t jack his Superbowl ring, she’s knocked up. Of course daddy Tom dumped Bridget and is now hooked up with supermodel Giselle Bundchen.

From Page Six:

Moynahan, 36, is more than three months along and “healthy and excited” about the impending arrival, said her spokeswoman, Christina Padadopoulos.”

So Giselle has Tom, but Bridget has the baby. That’s one way to keep yourself in the mix. I’m sure Bridget and her baby weight will be thrilled see Tom and his supermodel trade-up out looking pretty together while she’s using a pickle spear to scrap up the last bite of chocolate chip ice cream.

Ray Liotta must have been feeling left out of the Hollywood crowd. The Goodfellas star joined the celebrities wearing handcuffs party when he was arrested for drunk driving in Los Angeles.

From TMZ:

According to police, Liotta was driving a Cadillac Escalade at the time and hit two parked cars — one of which was struck so hard that it ended up on the curb. No one was hurt in the incident, which occurred in the ritzy Pacific Palisades area of Los Angeles.

When did Hollywood decide that the new must have accessory was a rap sheet? For pity’s sake people, if you’re going to get so sloshed that you can’t avoid hitting a stationary vehicle, hire a limo. At least then you wouldn’t have to take your hands off the wheel to fish the worm out of a tequila bottle.