What exactly did the doctor fill Victoria Beckham’s boobs with when he did her implants? Of course we can’t ask him because the man has probably been recruited by NASA to work on indestructible materials for the space shuttle.

I’m suprised her nipples don’t need to be registered as deadly weapons. In these pics Posh even remembered to wear a bra, but it still isn’t enough to contain her robo-nips. Those things are like guided missles. Maybe if she feels threatened they shoot out poison gas, or silver bullets.

Was it dress like a hooker day in Beverly Hills? I must have missed the memo. Compared to Britney Spears in her Hollywood Blvd. cast-offs, I feel so over dressed in my mini-skirt and tube top.

I don’t know if Brit is on her way to dance class again, but it doesn’t really matter. The torn fishnets, cowboy boots (brown boots no less), mesh dress and neon bra are all fashion no-nos. Seriously Britney, get a stylist and a personal shopper or get a pole and g-string and get it over with.

For all of her faults (which are many) at least Lindsay Lohan is finally being honest about something. The tabloid cover girl is admitting that she likes being photographed by the hovering paparazzi. Duh.

From TMZ:

The truth is out: Lindsay Lohan just loves getting snapped — by the paparazzi. “I obviously like it,” says Lohan to Nylon magazine (via Page Six) of the photographic attention she attracts. “I wouldn’t ever want them to not take my picture … I’d be worried. I’d be like, ‘Do people not care for me?’” She says that the only time she’s felt bad about prying lensmen has been “in a chic restaurant, or when I was in the AA meetings,” because she thinks it’s “disrespectful.” Meanwhile, she fesses up to a real addiction — a shopping problem — and it’s bad enough that she has to tell her therapist about it.

So Lindsay is seeing a therapist. That’s a good thing. But if she spends her whole hour chatting about her Jimmy Choo addiction, I think her therapist is missing some of the bigger issues.

Looks like The View may be replacing one fat, loud mouth with another fat, loud mouth. Rumors of who wil replace the exiting Roise O’Donnell have been flying fast and furious since she announced her firing…sorry…quitting on-air last week. And the current front runner for the blabbing job, Roseanne Barr.

From TMZ:

With Rosie on her way out in just a couple months, the brassy Barr has emerged as the candidate to beat, says the New York Post, though Joan Rivers, Whoopi Goldberg, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Connie Chung are also in the running. With Rosie leaving, says an ABC source, “they’re missing strong personalities, and that’s what they’re going to need if they want to keep it going.”

By “strong personalities” do they mean obnoxious women with annoying voices? Seriously, don’t you feel sorry for Barbara Walters right about now? Babs could have a more intellectual discussion with a howler monkey…and she wouldn’t need her ear plugs either.

So last week US Magazine threw a Hollywood hotness fest. It was basically just a bunch of celebs sitting around congratulating each other for being pretty. A true meeting of the minds in the Holly Hood. And don’t think I’m just being bitchy because I wasn’t invited. It was actually called US Magazine’s Hot Hollywood Party.

So here are some of the folks that were deemed worthy by US Magazine. Lindsay Lohan was there (no word how many casualities her driver caused getting her there). Jennifer Lopez received the Style Icon of the Year Award (so she showed up with metallic eyeshadow and a cadaverous hubby on her arm). Ashlee Simpson and Carmen Electra were both looking pretty good on the red carpet. And of course Paris Hilton and her wonky eye showed up looking really pissed off about something…maybe the monkey bit her again.

See, now it’s just like you were there.

Hold on to your reading glasses, y’all. Britney Spears is writtin’ a book. The publishing world is practically drooling in their Da Vinci Codes over the possibility that Brit is ready to tell all.

From Metro:

The tell-all book will apparently spill the beans on what life was like for the singer when she was dating Justin Timberlake, according to America’s Star magazine, as well as dishing the dirt on her marriage to Kevin Federline.
It quotes a source who claims: ‘Britney blames most of her problems with drugs and alcohol on the heartache she experienced years before, during her time with Justin - she couldn’t trust him.’

The rumored going price for Britney’s written equivalent of the Jerry Springer Show is $10 million. I just love the idea of Britney sitting at her laptop and asking her nanny “how do you spell those kids’ names?” And because I can’t stop…she should also ask how to spell fried, Cheetos, has-been and stupidity.

Tyra Banks is blaming her dine and dash on a “miscommunication.” Apparently when Tyra was out with hip hop mogul Russell Simmons and his kids neither of them bothered to pay the bill. And Tyra got called out on it later. Probably because no one knew who Russell Simmons was.

From TMZ:

Earlier this week Tyra Banks joined Russell Simmons, along with his children Ming, 7, and Aoki, 4, at the Brooklyn Diner in midtown Manhattan, and accidentally skipped out on the tab. Tyra’s misstep was reported in the Daily News on Wednesday, and Tyra was confronted about it by “The View” co-host Joy Behar on Thursday. To hear Tyra explain it, it was simply a misunderstanding: Tyra thought Russell was paying, and Russell thought she was paying. Tyra returned to the resto at the end of the week to pay the bill, and handed waiter Guillermo Marquez a $100 tip.

So basically, Tyra said “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll get it.” And Russell said “No, please let me get it.” Then Tyra said “Oh no, let me.” Then they both got up to use the bathroom and secretly split hoping to leave the other one holding the bill. Classic, but Tyra should have peed faster.

Ancient pics of Tyra looking hefty…but they make me laugh.

Those Scientologists stick together. Like a bunch of crazy birds all sitting on the same telephone wire. Scientologist Jenna Elfman is publicly defending the marriage of her Hubbard buds Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

From People:

Tom Cruise’s friend and fellow Scientologist Jenna Elfman is shooting down reports that the actor’s five-month marriage to Katie Holmes is unstable.

“They have a great life and they love each other. For some reason, the media cannot experience that. They must put in things other than the simplicity of it.”

I liked Jenna much better when she was playing goofy yoga chick Dharma. I could actually handle some New Age anaylsis of TomKat. Maybe there’s some planetary alignment aspect to the conspiracy laden marriage that I don’t know about. But real-life Jenna is just sucking up to the head wackjob in the Celebrity Center. Guess she’ll be sitting at the VIP table at the next auditing fundraiser.

Lindsay Lohan is such a bad driver that even her driver can’t drive. And the guy needs a serious attitude adjustment. While Mr. Something Zagata was waiting to pick up Lindsay he reportedly hit Antonia Bennett’s car. That would be the daughter of Tony Bennett. And then he was shocked that she didn’t immediately recognize him.

The New York Post has Antonia’s side of the story:

“[He] was hostile with me. He ran into me, then got out of his car and started yelling at me.” Her manager, Keya Morgan, said Zagata was waiting to pick up Lohan in the parking lot of the Rehearsals.com recording studio in Burbank and talking on his cellphone when “he hit Antonia’s car. Then he has the nerve to jump out and scream, ‘Don’t you know who I am? I represent Lindsay Lohan! How dare you get in my way!’ He had no idea who Antonia was.” Morgan said that Zagata tried to blame Antonia “but [that] there were six witnesses, including the security guard who saw him ram her.” He said that Antonia was shaken up and that her car suffered close to $2,000 in damages.

Dude, you’re the driver…and apparently you suck at it. The only time you “represent” Lindsay is when you try to convince the paparazzi that she isn’t really drunk, just tired.

What is going on with Angelina Jolie? I know she’s got (wait, let me count) 4 kids now and her mom just passed away, but good heavens, someone get this girl a cheeseburger, or a veggie burger, or a protein shake. I saw these pics and I seriously couldn’t believe my overly critical eyes. Angie is wasting away. She’s so skinny she’s making Nicole Richie look like the picture of good health. Angie, skip Africa this month and hit a spa with an all you can eat buffet.

Britney Spears is confusing me. She goes from hot to fumpy and now she’s back to hot. Why is she messing with my head? Pick a look, sweetheart.

So anyway, here’s Brit strutting her stuff once again as she leaves the Millenium Dance Complex. And she’s with her kids…in the most technical sense of togetherness. And while the rugrats are being carted around by hired help at least they’re in the same photo as their mother.

File this item under less than shocking. Lost star Michelle Rodriguez has outed herself. Rumors of her preference for tacos over hot dogs have followed her for a long time, but Michelle has finally made it official. She talks to Curves Magazine about her sexuality and her relationship with actress Kristanna Loken.

From GCN:

Even though Loken wouldn’t specify the name or gender of her lover, she came with the following answer when asked about her involvement with Michelle Rodriguez on the set of the film BloodRayne, “There is the $64,000 question. Um…I don’t even know how to answer that.”

So the butch girl is in fact a butch girl. Well I’m glad I can put that great mystery out of my head.

She was so close. Britney Spears was looking so good. She was rocking the liposuction and flashing her abs. Then she was spotted looking like this. My eyes hurt just looking at these pics. Why is she wearing an apron as a dress? And everyone knows if you’re going sport kitchen wear as outer wear you go for the wedge sandal. Those boots just make everything worse. Or maybe its the hat that makes it’s a fashion disaster…or the dress…or the obvious braless look…or the hooker red lipstick. Take your pic, its all a Blackwell nightmare.

You know with all the money Brit is saving now that she fired her manager, she needs to hire someone to stand at the door of her house and taser her everytime she tries to leave looking like a Barbie doll left alone with a pervy 10 year old boy for too long.

Paris Hilton just got her poser ass handed to her by Prince. The wannabe singer was recently invited on stage at a Prince concert by the diminutive rocker. When she got to the mike the singer formerly known as the singer formerly known as Prince and now back to just Prince (it works if you read it slowly) had a little fun at her expense.

From US Magazine:

A source tells Us Weekly that Hilton, 26, was in the audience at the Purple One’s April 20 Club 3121 gig at the Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino in las Vegas when he invited the “Stars Are Blind” singer to join him.

Hilton stormed offstage - and left the club two songs later.

Can’t you just picure Paris getting on stage thinking she’s about to be fawned over and have her feet kissed by the elfish guy only to get denied. I’m sure her huffy exit was the best part of the show. I hope she did a hair toss…that’s my favorite part.

Lindsay Lohan may be faking the whole lesbian thing, but she’s taking it to the limit. Linds was recently spotted playing tonsil hockey with her rumored lady love, Samantha Ronson.

From Female First (of course):

An insider told America’s Star magazine: “They just started making out right there like they didn’t care who saw them.

“Everyone knows they are more than just friends. They are lovers. Maybe because they were across the globe they didn’t think anyone would notice.”

Or maybe Lindsay needed a quickie dose of attention. I don’t even know what to say about her anymore. Evemtually Lindsay will work her way through all the women in the Holly Hood and the only orgasm outlet left for her will be farm animals and vibrators.

Sandra Bullock and hubby Jesse James had a nasty run with a crazed fan at their homes recently. Apparently the wackjob tried to run Jesse down while his daughter and Sandra watched.

From TMZ:

Police sources tell TMZ that a woman obsessed with Sandra Bullock almost killed Sandra’s husband, motorcycle mogul Jesse James, during a frightening attack at the couple’s Orange County home late Sunday night.

We’re told Valentine also “laid in the driveway and wouldn’t move.”

Ok, that’s even beyond Britney crazy. We need a straight jacket and a heavy dose of something sleepy stat. You know when I heard about JJ being in a near miss car wreck I figured one of his Monster things finally blew up. This is way more disturbing…though fewer flames and fire engines.

Hugh Grant has been busted for assault with beans. The actor reportedly got all kinds of pissy with a photographer who had been tailing him, and Hugh allegedly kicked him, tossed out a few nasty remarks in his cute British accent and then threw a container of baked beans at the guy. Baked beans, people.

From Yahoo News:

The Metropolitan Police don’t identify suspects who haven’t been charged, but said a 46-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night on suspicion of assault and released on bail. No charges have been filed, police said.

How do you press charges for getting hit with baked beans? “Really, your Honor, I was minding my own business, taking a few pictures when I was suddenly covered in beans and sauce. It was traumatizing. I’ll never be able to eat beans again without having a flashback.” Maybe next time Hugh will throw a few hot dogs so they guy can have a whole meal on his face.

Britney Spears recently fired her manager Larry Rudolph reportedly because he was the guy who tossed her crazy ass into rehab. So is Brit thinking of hiring Jessica Simpson’s dad, Joe, as her new manager/puppet master? *shudder*

From The New York Daily News:

According to an inside source, Joe Simpson is considering managing Spears’ career, or what’s left of it, just as he has done for Jessica and her sister, Ashlee.

The former Baptist minister even tried to set up a meeting over the weekend with Spears, our source attests - though Jessica’s rep Cindi Berger denies it.

In all fairness Papa Joe has managed to keep his girls out of rehab and they still have their hair, but he still makes me cringe. I can’t help but imagine that his idea of a “weekend meeting” involved dinner, candlelight and asking Brit if her boobs were DD’s. *shudder again*

Apparently American entertainment migh tnot be ready for Victoria Beckham. Posh isn’t exactly making friends on the set of her new reality series.

Here’s what one source from the NBC reality show says:

“We think she’s full of herself and not very nice. She’s very picky, demanding and rude. And she was mean to the assistants, too. She waltzes around with her icy attitude. People will walk up to her and say, ‘Welcome to America’, or, ‘Good luck with the move’, and she doesn’t even stop to talk to them. The show is designed to make her a star in the States, but she’s dreaming if she thinks that’s going to happen. She’s coming off as a grade-A bitch!”

Ok, aside from my problem with “planning” a reality show (hello…where’s the real part?) what did these folks think they were getting? Posh has never been called a warm and fuzzy kind of girl. I’m betting this show will cancelled within the first 2 months. Because who wants to watch 30 minutes of Posh looking hungry?

And on a side note…what is going on with her shoes? She looks like a clown hooker and her hubby Becks looks like he’s auditioning for the next James Bond flick.

Mischa Barton says that although she is super skinny, she doesn’t have an eating disorder. But she doesn’t have any problem pointing an anorexic finger at Nicole Richie.

MSNBC has Mischa’s statement on the weighty matters:

“I am a normal weight. I understand the responsibility that comes with a role in a TV show that is watched by millions of teenagers … but the thing is that I am naturally this shape. I have a very fast metabolism and it is sometimes annoying when you are compared to people who are clearly not naturally that way. I am sensitive to people like Nicole (Richie) who have body issues, but I am always pretty much the same weight.”

If the fact that she’s a stick with boobs wasn’t annoying enough, she has to go and use that “I’m just naturally skinny” line. If she had added that she can eat whatever she wants and never gain a pound and how hard it is to find cute clothes in a size -2 (which must be true because look at those fugly jeans) I might have just reached into the computer and wrung her skrawny neck. Now where’s my ice cream?