I see London, I see France, I see Jessica Alba’s underpants. Who’d have ever thought you could actually use that phrase as an adult? I love my job. I could never have said that if I had stayed in law school and worked for that mega-powerful law firm.

So here’s Jessica working hard for Revlon looking all glammed up with three coats of make-up painted on her face. But I guess the folks at Revlon couldn’t spring for a whole dress since they only gave her a top and some gauze to wear as a skirt. Not that anyone is going to mind, Jess has got an ass most guys would pay to eat off of, but still…you’d think Revlon could have scrounged up a real dress, or at least a slip. I hope Jess got paid up front.

Lindsay Lohan has been hacked. Funny, I had planned on writing “Lindsay Lohan is a hack” but this came up instead. Some enterprising computer hacker has reportedly broken into Lilo’s gmail, Blackberry, and MySpace accounts and is very generously sharing the info with the world.

Here’s one alleged excerpt from Lindsay’s literary works. It’s reportedly an Aptil 11th keyboard-fight between Lilo and Paris Hilton over celebrity gossip god Perez Hilton:

FUCK YOU cunt! now that really does make me wonder…. i know u chill with perez, thats a given, … u guys use eachother like tampons. why didn’t he post not 1 article or anything regarding your “stolen storage” stunt? i hate that fat fuck, and i know u had something to do with that story. look up my name on his page and just read the crazy stories hes been making up, then we click on ur name, its always “paris at fashion week” or something Not negative. god knows what u 2 have against me, but i wont sit here and pretend like we are friends. this shits so old, i get headaches. go suck elliots dick.

Let’s just be thankful the guy (or gal) who snuck into Lindsay’s virtual mind decided to pick on her and not some top secret alien research lab that could make a lot of things go boom.

Oh my ugly…what has happened to Jessica Simpson? The girl is looking like seven miles of over-tanned road. I liked it when Jess went brunette, it looks good on her and actually does seem to raise her IQ a few points, but the rest of her needs some serious help.

Her skin is so dark she looks like a cross between Jennifer Lopez and a pumpkin. Pick a lighter spray tan, sweetheart. Of course it could just be the glare off her bleached teeth that is confusing me. And you’d think seeing Jess bounce around without a bra to control her fun bags would be a good thing, but what’s up with those granny pants? I think I saw some hunched up old woman fingering those things at K-Mart the other day.

Oh, why was I at K-Mart…uh…I was shoplifting…yeah, shoplifitng yarn…and patio furniture.

Naomi Campbell wants us to think she’s a nice, normal, ultra-rick supermodel with Mike Tyson’s temper. According to the New York Daily News, Naomi showed her fun side fun when she introduced the Pussycat Dolls at their Cipriani Wall Street Concert Series show on Tuesday. The oh-so playful Naomi reportedly said:

“I invite you all to please put your phones away - off the table - so I can’t get to them.”

What a cheeky supermodel. Of course what they didn’t say is that everyone in the audience laughed nervously as they tried desperately to figure out if Naomi would go all Incredbile Hulk on them if they really did put their phones away.

Here’s Britney Spears at Parc and even though we’re looking up her skirt, I have to say she’s making progress…at least she’s wearing panties this time. But unfortunately her panites are the only decent thing she’s got on. Is it just me or does Brit look like she just left mime class? I can’t wait to see her do that walking against the wind trick.

And who knew they made neon pink trash bags? I’m going to get some of those. Of course I’ll use mine for cleaning out the refrigerator, but to each her own. Its to bad about that giant brown bag though. Everyone knows that if you’re going to flash your undies they need to match your purse. It’s a fashion rule.

Did Lindsay Lohan take her spurned woman temper a bit too far? Ex-boyfriend Harry Morton thinks so. Seems Harry’s West Hollywood condo was flooded when the bathtub in Lindsay’s upstairs condo was mysteriously left running. Now Harry wants Lindsay to pay for the damage.

From TMZ:

Lohan lives one floor above Harry Morton, son of Las Vegas mogul Peter Morton, who just sold the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Lindsay and Harry were once an item. Last month, Lindsay’s condo flooded, sending water cascading into her ex’s unit and causing extensive damage.

Lindsay’s rep told TMZ Lindsay and her assistant, Jenny, were in New York on the night in question, but TMZ has video of Lindsay at an L.A. club that very night. Lindsay’s rep added, “We’re very suspicious.”

Let that be a lesson to Lindsay lovers everywhere. When you’re done with her, pack up and move far, far`away….or invest in umbrellas. The girl’s got a degree in passive-aggressive revenge.

Looks like Madonna’s hubby Guy Richie isn’t a fan of her obsession with Malawi. The less famous half of the celebrity couple is running his mouth about Madonna’s trip…and he’s not playing the supportive husband role.

From The Daily Mail:

Madonna might be smiling it up for the cameras on her current trip to Malawi, but her husband Guy Ritchie thinks the trip has “disaster written all over it,” according to a British tab. The Material Mom took adopted son David Banda back to the orphanage from which she plucked him last year, a move that Ritchie labelled “tasteless,” according to the Daily Mail, and also didn’t think it was such a great idea to go back to Africa with an entire phalanx of chauffeur-driven cars. In fact, he had some PR advice for his wife: “If you do go then at least make sure you get your hands dirty this time.” Meanwhile, schoolkids helped Madge out by pelting reporters’ cars with rocks to keep them away from the Queen of Pop and her entourage.

Does having kids toss rocks at members of the press on your behalf count as getting your hands dirty? I hope Guy has already started looking for a hiding place. Because when Madge hears this she’s going to start warming up her robo-bisceps for one hell of a smack down.

Katie Holmes called the cops and it didn’t have anything to do with the crime of fashion outfit she’s sporting the picture above…she looks like those funhouse mirrors that make you look ten feet tall. Anyway, on Thursday Mrs. Tom Cruise was headed to a Target down in Shreaveport, LA where’s she’s filming her new flick Mad Money when she dialed the fuzz. Seems Katie didn’t like the look of the photogs following her.

The cops escorted her into the store and tagged along as she browsed for clothes for her and Suri.

Um, maybe I’m missing the point of the story, but why is Katie shopping at Target? Hey I love the bullseye as much as the next budget conscious shopper, but doesn’t Tom give his missus an allowance or something? Maybe Katie questioned the power of super-God Xenu one time too many and got grounded.

Britney Spears is blaming ex-BFF Paris Hilton for her faceplant into crazy-hood. I don’t know if there was hypnotism involved or a few spiked drinks, but apparently Britney thinks her hoochie flashing, head shaving, car bashing frenzy was all Paris’ fault.

From TMZ:

Britney Spears is blaming Paris Hilton for hurling her into the anti-panty, head-shaving downward spiral which landed her in rehab … and now she wants someone to pay!

According to Page Six, Britney is enraged with her manager Larry Rudolph for introducing her to “nemesis” Hilton last November — and reportedly gave him the axe for it last week. But as of this morning, TMZ has confirmed that Rudolph has not been been fired … yet.

So refresh my rehab facts, which step is the one where you decide who to blame for all the stupid crap you’ve done? I think it comes right after “act like you meant to pee in the fountain” and before “but the monkey likes it that way.”

Madonna is back in Malawi and she’s getting a royal reception. The Material Mom is playing Mommy Warbucks to the impoverished country. And she’s also brought her soon-to-be-adopted son David back to visit his biological father.

From Yahoo News:

The U.S. pop diva, who sparked controversy last year when she decided to adopt one-year-old David Banda, chatted to local farmers and toured corn fields with aid workers, wearing dark glasses and knee-high boots and holding hands with her daughter, Lourdes. Madonna is expected to take Banda to see his father on Tuesday at the Home of Hope orphanage where he lived before he left Malawi. But her spokeswoman denied media reports she plans to adopt a second child.

Madonna is paying for a new clinic to be built in the village of Gumulira and is supporting efforts by aid groups to help improve food security and education there.

See this just goes to show that if you want to adopt an orphan, make sure he’s really an orphan. Those birth parents can such pains (in the pocketbook). I’ll bet when Madge picks out her next kid (cause you know she’s shopping for one) she’ll make sure to stick to the “no family around to blackmail you” aisle of the orphange.

Are Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams playing mind games with the media? Rumors of their engagement are still making the rounds in the Holly Hood, but at least one half of the couple may be having second thoughts. Ryan dropped a bombshell at the premiere of his new flick Fractured when he showed up solo.

From The New York Daily News:

A pal of Gosling’s was overheard asking the actor, “Where’s Rachel tonight?” at the Los Angeles premiere of “Fracture” Wednesday. Gosling responded, “Don’t you know? We broke up.” A rep for Gosling refused to comment on the actor’s personal life.

But did they really break up? Or are they just trying throw all of us evil gossip whores off the story? Well I don’t buy it. My money is on a secret wedding within the next few months. You can’t fool me, McGosling…I’m on to your devious plan for privacy.

Looks like Pamela Anderson has gotten a rude wake-up call from Mother Nature. The former every man’s fanatasy has seen pictures of herself hanging on the beach in Hawaii with ex-hubby and current-who-knows-what Tommy Lee and apparently she didn’t like what she saw.

From Pam’s blog:

I’ve just been sent some pics from Hawaii - I have to laugh - well at least the world knows I don’t get botox - ha!…I’m much hotter in my mind - (I swear I look better) - then again I hardly check a mirror before I go outside - may start doing that more. I may have to start working out too though - genes and gymnastics have gotten me this far. I just refuse to let these paparazzi ruin my time or my lifestyle in general with my children - I’m not going to spend time putting makeup on or staying covered up on the beach - it’s definitely surreal though - I think I look alright but everywhere you turn you have a camera in your face - up you butt - it’s crazy - too many tabloids - must be running out of stuff to print…I’m a semi-retired single mom - hello?

I have to say I like the way she’s handled the sudden realization that she’s looking like seven miles of bad road with two giant speed bumps. But what is she doing with Tommy Lee? And is it my imagination or is his hair pink?

Here’s a story that might even scare Rosie O’Donnell back into the closet. Lindsay Lohan might be signing up for some girl on girl action. Lindsay, who has made tabloid headlines for her string of boyfriends, is now making news for possibly having a girlfriend.

From publicist turned blogger Jonathan Jaxson:

Yes, it is true. At least from all my sources. I have been part of 5 cover stories for the National Enquirer regarding Lindsay Lohan. She actually has always been quite open. I would love to name all the young Hollywood she has slept with, but I will keep that for the ‘book.’ Maybe she was tired of the boys and that is why she decided to spice it up with BFF Samantha Ronson. Here she gets a boy and a girl packaged all into one. Now I would have no bad things to say about either if Samantha wasn’t deeply involved in alcohol and drugs. Not the best influence for a rehabbed Lindsay Lohan.

I always joked that eventually Lindsay would sleep with every guy in Hollywood and have to turn lesbo if she ever wanted to get laid again. Who knew I was really a physic friend?

Pics of Linds hanging with her rumored lady love.

Did Britney Spears get some medical help with her rapid weight loss? The bottomed out pop-tart is reportedly on the fast track to a comeback and was determined to shed her post-baby, post-marriage poundage.

From The Daily Mail:

A week ago she was spotted emerging from a cosmetic surgery clinic already showing signs of losing the pounds she had put on since splitting from her husband Kevin Federline last year.

She is said to have paid an hour-long visit to the LipoDissolve Center in Las Vegas, where she was reportedly tempted by the clinic’s liposuction-like treatments for the face, legs, stomach and bottom.

Wow, nothing says “I’m a glamourous celebrity” quite like getting fat sucked out of your ass.

Is there trouble brewing for England’s most famous football couple? Rumor has it that all is not well in the marriage of soccer-star David Beckham and Spice Girl wife Victoria.

From The Mail on Sunday:

There is much speculation that the Beckhams’ marriage will hit the rocks over the footballer’s famously wandering eye when the couple eventually settle in California. But in reality the couple are living almost separate lives.

‘The truth is the Beckhams are leading pretty separate lives and David isn’t pleased about it,’ says a friend of the couple.

But isn’t it easier to cheat on your super skinny wife when she spends all her time in another country? David, you can cheat or you can have Posh at home every night. Why does this seem like a no-brainer?

Matthew McConaughey is very comfortable with his masculinity. And why wouldn’t he be, have you seen him lately? He’s so yummy he could be on the cover of Gourmet Magazine. Toss some whipped cream on him and you’ve got dessert.

And apparently he doesn’t mind having the paparazzi document his public park workouts. Although if you see Matt working out in a park, I wouldn’t recommend eating off any of the tables. I wouldn’t kick a sweaty Matt out of my bed, but I don’t think I’d eat off the picnic table he just used for his thigh workout.

Ladies put on your glass slippers and book the first flight to London, Prince William is back on the market. Wills and his long time girlfriend Kate Middleton have split.

From MSNBC:

The young couple — he is 24 and she is 25 — were seen hugging and kissing during a skiing holiday in Switzerland only last month.

“She is stuck in London while he is living in an officer’s mess. Kate feels hugely frustrated that their relationship just seems to be going backwards at a rate of knots.”

So she dumped the future King of England. I feel sorry for her next boyfriend. She could date a Nobel Prize winning doctor and when they have their first fight she’s going to look at him and say “I could have been the Queen!” Just out of curiosity, how many times do you think she looked in the mirror and practiced saying “Queen Kate” with a plastic tiara on her head?

What is Hayden Panetettiere doing? Ok, wrong question. She’s licking some girl’s boob, I can see that. So here’s the better question…why is the Heroes cheerleader looking like she wants to gobble up this chick’s ta-ta? Well, I’ve got a theory. And since we’re talking Heroes I should probably say it has something to do with a supervillian who uses her boobs to hypnotize heroes into giving up their powers.

Really I’m guessing Hayden got fall-down drunk one night and when someone wanted to take her picture, she though it would be funny, and not at all humiliating later, to take a taste of her buddy’s breast. But having hypnotizing tits would be so cool.

Ladies beware, there’s a new epidemic in Hollywood and its called baby fever. Spanish hottie Penelope Cruz is the latest in a long line of celebs to start thinking about bringing home a baby.

From TMZ:

Poor Penelope Cruz. Now that her BFF Salma Hayek has gotten herself knocked up, Penelope is feeling left out of the baby game.

The oh-so-single Cruz told the Spanish-language edition of Marie Claire magazine that she wanted to have kids and that, like Angie Jolie and Madonna before her, “My life won’t be complete if I don’t adopt.”

Her life won’t be complete or her resume? Oh, was that wrong of me? Overly jaded and cynical? I shouldn’t bitch, I know there are tons of kids who need homes. So wouldn’t it be more effient if they just start tossing the rugrats into swag bags at the awards shows and film festivals?

I think all of my gossip monger prayers are about to be answered. At least one tabloid is saying that Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Federline are dating. Oh please let this be true. I will never run out of things to write about. I hereby christen this hypothetical dysfunctional celebrity couple K-Lo.

From The National Enquirer:

Sources tell the National Enquirer, “Kevin and Lindsay are dating, and Lindsay made the first move. Kevin met Lindsay through Britney, and they were always flirtatious with each other.”

This is so perfect (for me) that I have already lit candles, cleansed my crystals, been to Mass, Temple and a seance to pray for this to happen. Given K-Fed’s habit of knocking chicks up and driving them insane, I predict Lilo will have a baby and a bald head within a year. Can I get an Amen?