Lindsay Lohan is ready to make beautiful music. And she doesn’t even need a boyfriend to do it. Hollywood’s resident drama queen wants to record a new album. Grab your ear plugs early, people.

From MTV News:

“We’ll start in probably June or July and take four months,” she explained. Lohan said she’s collaborating with Maverick Records CEO Guy Oseary on the disc, which will have an “urban pop” sound.

Because that’s exactly what the world has been missing. A Lindsay Lohan dance/pop/urban/are you freaking kidding me that someone actually let her in the studio and gave her a microphone record.

Look out Dalai Lama, Paris Hilton is heading to a meditation center near you. The jail bound heiress is spending all of her free time trying to convince the public and any judges that may be watching that she has reformed. And just in case the “look at me carrying around a Bible” tactic didn’t work, now she is going for the Buddhist vote.

From The Post Chronicle:

The hotel heiress - who has been sentenced to 23 days in jail for driving with a suspended licence - was seen in Hollywood’s Bodhi Tree bookstore picking up a spiritual tome.

Lawyers for Paris, 26, have told the socialite she needs to “live like a nun” if she has any chance of evading jail. Paris has told friends she is quitting alcohol and partying and has replaced her skimpy outfits with a new demure look.

Just to be clear…this outfit is demure? Keep trying Paris. Go for Hinduism next. Or maybe Scientology. I wouldn’t mind sacrificing this twit to the spaceship gods.

Kelly Clarkson isn’t talking about geting snubbed on national television by record label mega-mogul Clive Davis on the American Idol finale ratings fest. Kelly and Clive have reportedly been in a Rosie/Elizabeth style brawl over her new record. Clive hates it and Kelly won’t change it.

From TMZ:

The 75-year-old owlish music mogul was tasked with speaking to the huge TV audience about the health of the “A.I” franchise and appeared to go out of his way to avoid mentioning Kelly’s new single “Never Again” (which reached the Top 10 for heaven’s sake!) or her forthcoming CD, “My December.” Yet he somehow managed to find time to plug both Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee’s new singles! Clive did briefly allude to two-time Grammy winner Clarkson — but only to praise the talents of outside songwriters working with “Idols.”

And his praise was really a diss since Kelly wrote or co-wrote all of the songs on My December and Clive only gave props to outside songwriters. Clive’s camp reportedly tried to apologize to Miss Independant backstage, but Kelly wasn’t ready to forgive or forget. Can you blame her?

Halle Berry is still playing coy about her recent fondness for baggy clothes and hiding her tummy behind shopping bags. The Oscar winning Halle isn’t saying if she’s painting a nursery or buying eco-friendly diapers, but its getting pretty hard to ignore her out of character fashion choices.

You know, in two or three months when Halle finally does go public with her baby announcement, it’s going to be so anti-climactic.

But then again, I could be wrong about the potential baby bump. Maybe she just really likes the circus tent look.

Looks like Victoria Beckham is taking the traditional route to fame in Los Angeles. No, not hard work and talent. Posh seems to be going with publicity stunts and tight shirts.

Anyway, here’s Posh turning a traffic stop into an epic movie. She not only got pulled over, she had her entire film crew ready and waiting to catch every moment. Now if only she had a reality show that needed something more exciting to show than Posh shopping and not eating. Oh wait, she does.

And if that isn’t enough to shoot Posh straight to the top of the “please look at me” list, try this one on for size. According to the New York Daily News:

Posh staged a bizarre publicity visit Monday to the Pleasure Chest sex shop in West Hollywood, accompanied by a blowup doll dressed like her as a “decoy.” How cheeky! The paparazzi were tipped off and waiting.

So Posh’s tv show involves cops and blow-up dolls. Are we sure it isn’t a porno?

Britney Spears is losing the gays. The struggling for a comeback singer recently hopped on stage at Mansion for an impromptu lip synch and the pop tart didn’t exactly win over the boys in the crowd.

From Page Six:

The crowd, full of “trannies and gay guys,” according to our spy, sneered at “those hideous white go-go boots and ratty extensions.” One particularly unimpressed audience member: Madonna’s brother Christopher Ciccone, who told our source, “My sister would never go onstage looking like that.”

I love the fact that the big issue here is Brit’s total lack of fashion sense. No one even cares that she’s lip synching her way through the show, but fashion gods forbid that she show up in tacky go-go boots and fake hair.

George Clooney takes his charity seriously. The sexy activist recently donated his lips to the annual Cinema Against AIDS dinner. The swank dinner raised money for the Foundation for AIDS Research and Georgie auctioned off a kiss for the highest bidder. The winning bid for the super star smooch was $350,000. George ended up planting the wet one on the winning bidder’s girlfriend. Now that’s a kick ass date. Attend a celebrity heavy event and have your guy pay $350,000 so you can kiss George Clooney. You just know that guy got a really nice, and probably naked, thank you later that night.

Is Clueless cutie Britney Murphy in a sham marriage? Britney and her husband Simon Monjack surprised Hollywod with a quickie marriage, but now it looks like there may have been a reason for the hasty I do’s. Monjack was reportedly tagged for deportation.

From Pag eSix:

The National Enquirer reports Monjack was arrested on expired visa charges in the middle of the night on March 27 - just over a month before the couple’s rushed marriage. The tabloid also hits the actress’ tubby hubby with allegations of bad debts and sleazy business schemes, which sources told Page Six the “Clueless” cutie knew nothing about. Monjack’s lawyer told us the charges are being made by “disgruntled ex-girlfriends” and that immigration lawyers concluded the marriage had no bearing on his visa status.”

Well except giving him a legal way to stay in the country. So other than that, the marriage had no bearing on the visa issue. Boy this guy sounds like a winner…fat, sleazy and in debt. It’s a good thing Britney snagged him before I found him.

Despite reports from The National Enquirer and Star magazines, Nicole Richie may not be in rehab. The tabloids had tattled that Nicole entered the Beau Monde Treatment Center in California on May 11th, reportedly weighing a not at all alarming 83 pounds. The story was that the wasting away Simple Life star checked in for treatment of an eating disorder and substance abuse.

But don’t go getting your hopes up. Nicole’s peeps have dismissed the story and say that she is home in Glendale. Because why would a girl who is so thin that she is now see-through and who drives the wrong way down a highway while popping Vicodin need rehab? Rehab is really just for people who use naughty homophobic slurs or shave their heads.

Lindsay Lohan is getting ready to turn 21 and she’s planning one hell of a party. In fact the recently rehabbed and not yet legal celeb has convinced Svedka vodka to sponsor her Vegas bash. Yep you read that right. The AA going girl now has an vodka company for a sponsor. According to the New York Daily News, Lindsay’s rep confirmed the deal and then said “This should be one of the best parties ever.”

And after I hit up Lindsay’s party, I’m going to head on over to the National Vegetarian Conference sponsored by Foster Farms and then visit the Abstinence Convention sponsored by Trojan Condoms.

Oops, looks who’s getting a ticket. Fantastic Four hottie Jessica Alba was caught by the paparazzi getting pulled over by the cops. I have no idea what she did, but I am willing to bet that cop was thrilled when he walked up to the window and saw that body looking all pouty and embarassed. Seriously who expects to find a celebrity behind the wheel of a hybrid? But I can’t believe he couldn’t up with at least one good reason for a pat down.

Looks like Paris Hilton is taking her appeal to a higher power. Oh no, I don’t mean the Almighty, I mean the public. Here’s Paris out and about not so subtly flashing a Bible and a trendy book on enlightenment. And she’s sporting a big ol’ cross as well. Of course you might have missed the necklace since she’s also got her nipples poking madly through her dress. Now there’s a picture of repentance.

Forgive me if I don’t take her conversion to a life of holiness very seriously. If you look at the Bible she’s carrying it looks like one of the complimentary Bibles left in hotel rooms. So Paris probably didn’t actually read it, she just grabbed it up with the free shampoo and soap.

Angelina Jolie is at the Cannes Film Festival promoting her new film A Mighty Heart and she brought her best accessory with her to the premiere. That would be her ultra-sexy man Brad Pitt.

Here are the two of them looking disgustingly cuddly at the film’s premiere.

Just so you don’t think that you’re missing anything by not forking over $500 to see Britney Spears shake her post-baby booty and lip synch her way through a 15 minute show, here are some pics of what you’re not missing. So if you want to get an authentic experience, pop in an old Britney CD (it might be the same one she’s using for her concert) and shake your monitor from side to side to make her wiggle.

I think Brit is trying for sexy in these shows, but it looks like she’s stealing clothes from out of work hookers.

Paula Abdul, otherwise known as the sweet and slightly loopy judge on American Idol has a boo boo. Paula reportedly broke her nose when she did a wonky dance move or something to avoid stepping on her pet chihuahua, Tulip.

Her rep says:

“She went to the doctor and she did break her nose, but she’s moving on and doing great” Brokaw says. “She looks terrific. If you didn’t know she broke her nose, you’d never guess anything happened to her. She is in pain. No question about that. But she’s standing 10 feet from me and you’d never know anything happened to her. There are no bandages. She’s got some bruises on her arms and on one of her legs.”

How do you bust your nose and bruise your arms and legs stepping over a chihuahua? The dogs are what, 6 inches high? Did she step over the dog and onto a landmine?

Are Jessica Simpson and John Mayer getting back together? Rumors of the mismatched couple’s demise haven’t even moved to the bottom of the blogs yet and already there are whispers that the two may be together again.

John was reportedly seen hanging around Jessica’s New York hotel and later left with a big ol’ smile on his face. Hey, ex-sex is usually pretty good.

From In Touch Weekly:

A pal of Jessica’s confirms, “They definitely went on a date last night,” but cautions that the once-divorced star isn’t ready to get back together with John immediately. “She still loves him, but he’s not stable,” the friend explains. “He’s scared of commitment. He breaks up with her and then regrets it and then begs her to get back together.”

So you’re telling me that Jess is the stable one in that relationship? Wow, didn’t see that one coming.

Lindsay Lohan seems to have a very loose definition of sobriety. The recently rehabbed celeb was spotted in New York spending more time with a bottle of vodka than with her 12 step book.

From The New York Post:

Lindsay Lohan partied without Calum Best the other night, but friends say the two are “still going strong.” The unstoppable starlet hit the Anchor Bar on Spring Street with two pals and was spotted “drinking vodka straight from the bottle.” She then hopped down the street to Sway for Frankie Inglese’s Thursday night party, where she grooved for a good hour before going back to Anchor for another round. By 3 a.m., Lohan was on a jet back to L.A. Her rep had no comment.

And right about now the good people at the Wonderland Center where Linds spent her well publicized, if not entirely sincere, attempt at rehab are busily taking her picture down from their Success Stories Wall.

Avril Lavigne has some serious issues with her fellow celebrities. She hasn’t exactly been hiding her dislike for Brintey Spears and now we’re hearing that the pocket sized rocker has beef with Hilary Duff.

From TMZ:

Hilary Duff and Avril Lavigne were at the same party in New York last week, but they had to be kept far, far apart because of long-running b**chfight, says Metro New York. The two pop starlets were supposed to come at different times, but arrived at the same time, and Avril was “driving everyone crazy” with her anger.

I don’t know if I can keep all this high school-esque drama straight anymore. Someone just show me which celebs are the geeky honor students and which ones are the stuck up cheerleaders. Me, I’ll be in the girls bathroom smoking and writing nasty stuff on the walls with my Sharpie.

Oops she did it again…lip synched that is. Britney Spears got a taste of what it feels like to be Ashlee Simpson when her background tape skipped during her mini-show at the Orlando House of Blues this weekend.

From TMZ:

Britney Spears took her now-not-so-secret mini-tour to Orlando, Fla., but on Saturday night, the star’s lip-syncing, not so convincing to begin with, was even more exposed when a backing track faltered, leaving Spears in the vocal lurch. According to People, Brit had to turn her head away from the audience when the music for a medley of older hits started skipping – and made it even more obvious that she wasn’t singing. MTV UK says that the mishap repeated itself four more times during the concernt.

So did Brit piss off the sound guy? And seriously, does it count as a pop singer comeback tour when you’re not actually singing? This really sounds more like a “charge people to much money to watch you dance around in skimpy clothes to music that you can find in the bargain bin at Tower Records” kind of a comeback.

Sylvester Stallone has been smacked by an Australian court for bringing 48 vials of an illegal human growth hormone into the country. The king of all sequels was fined $2,500.

Yahoo News has Sly’s statement about the hormones:

“This stuff gives your body a boost and you feel and look good,” Stallone said in a customs interview. “Doing Rambo is hard work, and I am going to be in Burma for a while. Where do you think I am going to get this stuff in Burma?”

So maybe Burma isn’t a hot spot for finding pump up juice, but here’s my question…where do you get off doing Rambo at age 60? Unless the film is going to be titled Rambo: The Grandpa Years I don’t see the point.