Start your engines, boys. Jessica Alba is back on the market. The Fantastic Four sex symbol reportedly dumped her boyfriend of two and a half years, 28 year old producer Cash Warren. And here’s the kicker, she did it over the phone and then had her assistant head over and kick him out of their place. Ouch!

From US Magazine:

Sources tell Us that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

The breakup “happened…almost out of nowhere,” the source says. “[Cash] thinks it’s for another guy but doesn’t know….he’s totally devastated. But it was all her.” (Alba’s rep declined to comment.)

Well duh. Of course it was all her. What guy in his right mind would dump Jessica Alba? She could build a shrine to Hitler made entirely of gingerbread and any red blooded guy with working eyes (and other areas) would just smile and “great idea dear..wanna make out?”

Super hottie Matt Damon just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And just in time for his new movie to open. Don’t you just love coincidences?

Matt also has some pretty strong feelings about how his Jason Bourne character measures up to spy icon James Bond. Besides saying that Bond, James Bond is “an imperialist and he’s a misogynist,” Matt adds this (from CNN):

“He kills people and laughs and sips martinis and wisecracks about it,” Damon, 36, told The Associated Press in an interview.”

And I agree, Jason Bourne is way cooler. He’s all broody and bad ass. And when Bond needs a bunch of cool gadgets and a smoking car to beat the bad guys, Bourne just needs his bare hands and a grudge.

Ewwwww! Ex-con heiress Paris Hilton has sunk to a new low. The fresh out of jail celebutante was recently spotted swapping spit with Cisco Adler. Adler, you may recall, is Mischa Barton’s ex and the owner of the nastiest set of low hanging balls ever caught on film.

From TMZ:

A TMZ spy spotted Hilton and Mischa Barton’s grungy ex-boyfriend kissing all over each other at the club last night, with Paris going so far as to give Adler a little lap dance. Careful of the boys!

When she wasn’t getting randy in the crowd, Paris graced the stage with a rendition of “Bette Davis Eyes,” followed by a medley of her hit “Stars are Blind.”

I’m not sure who to feel worse for in this meeting of uglies. I mean Cisco has those Stretch Armstrong balls, but Paris was singing. Sounds like a lose, lose situation to me.

Paula Abdul’s people are responding to the rumors circulating the internet (including here) that loony toon Paula was fired from the live action Bratz movie. They say she backed out of the flick, but the producers asked Paula to keep quiet about the split because her name was attracting so much attention to the project.

From US Magazine:

In a statement released today, the singer/reality star’s rep said that Abdul’s schedule was to blame for her leaving the production. “She was not only taping “American Idol three days at week, she was also filming her Bravo reality series Hey Paula! five days a week as well. In addition, she was in the process of not only expanding her successful QVC jewelry line but also coming up with the first scent in her new perfume line “Sexy Thoughts.”

With all her responsibilities, Abdul’s rep explains, “something had to give and ultimately that was Bratz.”

And when asked about the clip from Paula’s reality show Hey Paula that shows Paula weeping and wailing and sure makes it look like she was booted off the project, the fast talking rep adds that it was simply “creative editing.”

Uh-huh, sounds more like creative spin, if you ask me.

Britney Spears has definitely booked a first class seat on the crazy train to loony land and now its causing her more than just pr problems. Turns out Kevin Federline (or his lawyers) have been watching Brit’s wackiness and Fed-Ex has decided to take the kiddies back.

From The Scoop:

Spears was recently spotted driving with her younger son Jayden facing forward in his car seat, not backward as federal guidelines require. And earlier this month, he was photographed grabbing his mother’s cigarettes. On July 18, she stripped to her skivvies on a beach in front of photographers and reports of bizarre behavior at an OK! magazine shoot have friends seriously worried about the Toxic singer. Spears wants K-Fed to sign a joint custody agreement, but he’s reportedly refused. “Kevin is convinced she’s not fit to raise the kids,” an insider told the mag. “He’s done tolerating her behavior and is gearing up to fight for full custody.”

So to me this isn’t so much a question of why he thinks Brit can’t handle the kids, but more of a “what took him so damn long” kind of thing.

Kooky American Idol judge Paula Abdul has been booted off the Bratz movie. Slurry Paula reportedly got the news while filming her self-promoting reality show Hey Paula.

From TMZ:

Paula Abdul got the chop from the “Bratz” live-action flick — because she was “a nightmare to deal with,” says a source to Page Six. And it was all caught on tape on her surreality show, “Hey Paula.” On this week’s episode, the “American Idol” loopette gets a message from “Bratz” producers that she’s no longer needed on the show. Abdul had taken credit for being choreographer, costume designer and exec producer, but “Bratz” folks claim she “was not ever really a part of the movie … there was no way that was going to work.”

Well, did anyone make sure that Paula knew she was suppossed to be on a movie set? Maybe when she signed on to choreograph a Bratz thing she set up a little cardborad studio in her bedroom and a video camera then started dancing with the whored up plastic dolls. Come on people, this is Paula…think outside the normal person box.

Lindsay Lohan says she didn’t do it. The busted celeb told Access Hollywood via email that the coke reportedly found in her pants when she was arrested for DUI wasn’t hers.

“Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.”

And then she went on to say that the dog ate her homework, the check is in the mail and the pot smell in her bedroom is really incense. Ok, I made that other stuff up, but come on. It isn’t mine? Sure the coke was in her car, in her pants, but it wasn’t hers. Well, I guess it belongs to the blow fairy.

The publishers of OK! Magazine may be celeb friendly, but they’re even more money friendly. You’ll recall that Britney Spears just had a total meltdown during her self-managed interview with OK! and the mag was all confused as to what to do with the incriminating photos and story.

Well, now they know…they’re going to run them this weekend.

From TMZ:

OK! Editor-in-Chief Sarah Ivens said, “OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told.”

And sold for about four bucks. Sorry, Brit, crazy sells.

Ok, here’s the last I have on Lindsay Lohan’s life disaster. And this is the last Lilo update you’re getting from me today. If I see one more pic of Lindsay I may toss my computer out the window.

So the scoop on Lindsay’s arrest is that one of her assistants quit/was fired last night and when her mom came to pick her up Lindsay started following/chasing them. Mom ended up calling the cops and the rest is Lindsay Lohan history.

Now, does that satisfy your vicious curiosity over poor Lindsay’s terrible misfortune? Or does it just make you laugh a little and call a few of your friends over to your cubicle so they can laugh too? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

So here’s the latest on the Lindsay Lohan crash and burn DUI arrest. Lindsay is back in rehab, but not the cushy Promises Center she just spent 45 days apparently faking her way through.

Her lawyer has issued this statement:

“Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care.”

If you add up all the charges Lindsay is facing, plus a general stupidy clause, Linds could be facing a whole lot more jail time than Paris served. So enjoy non-handcuffed rehab while you can Lindsay.

Busted! Lindsay Lohan has been arrested again. The fresh out of rehab and alcohol anklet wearing twit was pinched after cops got reports that Linds was chasing another vehicle in Los Angeles. She was arrested for (take a deep breath) suspicion of drunken driving, driving on a suspended license, and possession of narcotics.

Lindsay’s blood alcohol level is being reported at somewhere between between 0.12 and 0.13. And the legal limit is 0.08. Shouldn’t that alcohol anklet have beeped or buzzed or electrocuted her when she started tossing ‘em back? But wait, there’s more. Lindsay reportedly also had cocaine in her pants. Oops.

She was taken into custody by the Santa Monica Police, had this flattering mugshot taken and was then released on $25,000 bail. So, is Paris Hilton’s cell still vacant?

Pics of Lindsay wearing her totally useless alcohol monitoring thing.

Look, more craziness in the “got too rich too young” celebrity set. Britney Spears reportedly totally tanked her self-arranged interview and photo shoot with OK! Magazine. And the celeb friendly rag isn’t sure what to do with the evidence.

From TMZ:

We’re told that the photos are so bad, execs at the magazine are, at this moment, trying to decide whether to report what actually happened — or sanitize the truth to protect the pop trainwreck.

According to multiple sources, Britney’s behavior during the interview was “nothing less than a meltdown.” She was, according to our sources, “completely out of it” during the shoot. The photos are “so bad” we’ve learned, that to publish them could “kill her career.” Apparently, Brit Brit’s eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead. Her mood, we’re told, was extremely erratic. She took frequent bathroom breaks our source says, and each time she returned her mood would change. She was also completely paranoid during the entire interview, fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her.

Do I get a vote? Publish them, print them, put her looniness on flyers and stick them on cars in grocery store parking lots. Don’t hide the crazy, Brit. Embrace it.

Pics of Brit’s completely normal public strip and swim.

Oh no. No, no, no. I just heard a rumor that Britney Spears might be preggers…again! Does she have Miracle-Gro in her uterus or something?

From Entertainmentwise.com:

“She’s been secretly filling her pals in on the good news since last week,” an insider tells NW magazine.

“Britney is in shock herself, this definitely wasn’t planned. But she’s thrilled just the same.”

By thrilled do they mean totally incapable of mastering the most basic methods of birth control? Take a pill, wrap the cucumber, keep your damn legs closed…its not rocket science, Brit.

Kate Moss has her waif like knickers in a twist over the possibility that her ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty may sell tapes of the two of them doing the nasty. And I do mean nasty…have you seen either one of them recently?

From The Post Chronicle:

A source told Britain’s The Sun newspaper: “There are still some bits and pieces floating about of Pete with Kate. She has got rid of most of it. Six out of eight tapes have been destroyed.

“But she wanted to bury the lot before he could humiliate her by selling them or putting them on the internet.”

Eight tapes? Who makes an entire boxed set of sex tapes? Of course that’s really not as shocking as the fact Pete Doherty has gotten laid eight times.

Just in case you have forgotten that Lindsay Lohan has boobs, here she is ready and willing to remind you. Linds and her ladies were snapped hanging out at the Polaroid Beach House in Malibu. And also apparently plugging coke. The kind you drink, not the kind you snort. And with Lindsay that needs clarifying.

I’m not one to go around pointing the gay finger at people, but its starting to sound like John Travolta needs a bigger closet. The Hairspray star was recently spotted smooching on a fellow penis bearer, but he denies any gayness to the kiss. Now he’s being defended by the director of the original Hairspray flick, John Waters, who is gay as gay can be.

From TMZ:

Last fall, high-flying Scientology-loving John Travolta was caught in a lip-lock with his male nanny. His lawyer explained it away at the time as a “customary, non-romantic gesture.”

Now the Queen of Weird, John Waters, is backing up Travolta’s claims. When Gatecrasher asked the director of the original “Hairspray” about Travolta’s kiss-off behavior, he responded “He kissed me hello, he kisses everybody!”

Like I said, bigger closet. A walk-in, with a loveseat, and a full length mirror. Wait, I want that closet and I don’t mind kissing John Waters to get it.

Get ready for another big ol’ Britney Spears sob story. Brit has reportedly sold an exclusive interview to OK! Magazine where she’ll talk about everything from her career to her kids and then some.

From TMZ:

“Toxic” trainwreck Britney Spears’ crazy really has hit the fan. TMZ has learned that the pop tartlet recently called up “OK!” magazine’s main number and asked for “OK!” Editor-in-Chief Sara Ivens. Miraculously, the mag’s receptionist believed it really was Brit-Brit, and she was patched through to Ivens.

It seems Brit wanted to talk biz and negotiate a tell-all interview with the magazine, and not surprisingly, Ivens agreed. Miss Brit-Brit is expected to dish on her beloved babies; her mama drama, the Fed-Ex, and more.

Brit’s pity party is expected to hit news stands next week. And I’m guessing K-Fed and Mama Lynne aren’t going to be pasting this issue into their scrapbooks.

Looks like the producers of The Fantastic Four know how to put their best face forward. And that face is named Jessica Alba. Here’s Jessica in Madrid looking sexy and not at all bored with the endless publicity tour.

But you know, even though I like Jessica, this isn’t the face of the Four that I’m hoping to see. I want the cute guy with the six pack who plays the Human Torch. Bring him out on the red carpet in a speedo and you’ll have my attention.

In the never ending flood of celebs in swimwear here are some hot sisters in bikinis for you. Check out Penelope Cruz and her equally attractive sister Monica in Ibiza. The two Cruz girls were unveiling their Autumn and Winter collection for Mango. And apparently they had plenty of time to soak up the sun and show that good genes run in the family.

So I found these pics of loud mouth and loony Janice Dickinson and I am amazed. Can you believe what they can do with a little collagen, silicone, botox, a monkey wrench, a few electrodes and one mad scientist in a thunderstorm yelling “She’s alive!”?

Seriously, this chick has more preservatives in her than a whole case of Twinkies. Ten years after she dies her body will still be posing for the paparazzi…and nobody will care then either.