Just when you thought having a baby doomed you to permanent baby gut (*cough* Britney Spears), check out Gwen Stefani rocking the hard body in Hawaii. Now if that doesn’t make you drop the Ding Dong and dust off the treadmill nothing will (*cough* Britney Spears).

Her son will probably be the best behaved little rugrat ever because he’ll see these pics and know that his mom’s abs could crush rotten little boys with a single crunch. Cause nothing says discipline like “put another 20 on mommy’s weight bench.”

Now where’d I put that Ding Dong?

Well, if rumors are to be believed (and of course they are!), Britney Spears is indeed planning a major comeback performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. Mindfreak magician dude Criss Angel reportedly helped design the number and Brit wants to shock us all.

From Us Magazine:

“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.” One early idea that was canned? Performing “My Prerogative” amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her. As for a report that she’d do a duet with Timberlake? “Totally, patently false,” says a Timberlake source.

You know, I have to say that after the head shaving, car bashing, public nudity and the general insanity that follows her the level to which Britney will have to sink to be “shocking” is a truly frightening concept. Throw the Mindgeek guy into the mix and the potential for total chaos goes through the roof.

I hope MTV has a few extra censors, a rescue squad, a hostage negotiation team and a few tranquilizer darts in reserve…just in case.

I give up. What can you say about former porn superstar Jenna Jameson? She’s just freaky looking. I mean her eyes are still beautiful, but let’s face it, who’s looking at her eyes? Her mouth is all funky, her collarbones could be loaned out to cut diamonds and she’s gone from being built like a…well…like a porn queen to looking like a coat rack wearing a hat.

Add to that her mega-ton boyfriend Tito Ortiz and it’s just to much wrongness to process. And talk about awkward, check out their smoochies. When I see that pic all I can imagine is the voice in Jenna’s head telling her that there are too many calories in Tito’s tongue.

Oh baby, Bridget Moynahan is one bitter mommy. Not that I blame her. Superbowl baby daddy Tom Brady did dump her when she was preggers to tap some hot Brazilian ass. That would get my maternity knickers in a twist too. And now that the little bundle of Brady-dom has been born, Bridget is making Tom pay…not literally, though I’m sure that’s in the works.

From TMZ:

Gatecrasher reports that while Bridget allowed Brady to see the baby they conceived together, Tom “was only allowed to come after the baby was born. The woman would not see him, period.” Bridget also didn’t give the baby Brady’s name. But if Tom thinks there’s going to be any reconciliation — or that he’ll be able to see the boy whenever he wants — “Bridget is not giving him any slack on this at all.”

Yeah, Bridget named the kidlet John Edward Thomas Moynahan. You know Tom was bummed when he heard that. He didn’t even make it into the top two names. He’s in there after some dead relative or some random name Bridget found in the phone book.

Tom probably called her up and was like “Hey, I wanted to name the kid after me.” And Bridget was all “I tried that, but Tom Brady is an Asshole wouldn’t fit on the birth certificate.” Then Tom was all “Oh ok, never mind.” Touchdown Bridget.

Hey, there’s another custody fight in Celebrity Land. Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are still going to legal blows over who gets to keep their 14 year old daughter Bobbi Kristina.

From People:

Bobby says: “I did all I could to see my daughter … I also paid approximately $10,000 for Whitney and Bobbi Kris to live in a nice hotel while Whitney was going through rehab … I basically lived out of my car.”

And Whitney says: “Bobby is going to try to get child or spousal support from me … Bobby is fully capable of working and earning substantial sums of money if he would control [his] personal behavior.”

So the decision is between an ex (we think) addict or a homeless former famous guy. I’m waiting for the judge to ask the kid who she wants to live with and she says “Britney Spears.” Can you blame her?

Oh, and check out these pics. Is it just me or has Bobby Brown officially entered the “Fat Elvis” stage of his career?

Man, as if the Britney Spears vs. Kevin Federline custody brawl wasn’t ugly enough. Now we’ve got Britney buddies in hiding and Israeli commandos chasing them down.

From TMZ:

Last night, at 6:09 PM, LAPD officers responded to a street in Venice, Calif. Aaron Cohen, a former counter-terror commando in the Israeli army — attempted to serve a subpoena in the custody case. Cohen, who works for K-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, spotted Sam Osama Lufti, who may have some association with Spears, but we don’t know exactly what.

TMZ has learned, according to the police report, Lufti recognized Cohen and then gunned his Silver Mercedes SL, smashing into Cohen’s Buick. We’re told Lufti then reportedly smashed into a Range Rover.

And then there’s Brit’s former manager Larry Rudolph who has publicly announced that he’s gone underground to try to elude the process servers.

From People:

“He said he’s doing his best to hide from Kevin’s process server,” Ryan Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. “He’s actually on the run. They are trying to track him down and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the custody battle.” Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears earlier this year, “doesn’t want to be served because he said it won’t be good for Britney,” said Seacrest.

Witnesses in the Britney Protection Program? Commandos with subpoenas? Dude, it’s a custody case! Seriously, do the kids have super powers or national security secrets stashed in their teddy bears?

Anyway, check out Britney with and without her wig and trying not to drop her cigarette ashes on her kid’s head.

The World’s Most Beautiful Do-Gooder is in a combat zone. UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie is visiting Iraq and Syria in an attempt to bring global attention to the region. And let’s face it, nobody brings attention like Angelina.

From Reuters:

“I have come to Syria and Iraq to help draw attention to this humanitarian crisis and to urge governments to increase their support for UNHCR and its partners,” the actress said in a statement released by the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees. “It is absolutely essential that the ongoing debate about Iraq’s future includes plans for addressing the enormous humanitarian consequences these people face,” she said.

I’m all about Angie spreading goodwill and getting people to pony up money and aid to help people in need. That’s right, there’s more to me than snark. And just out of curiosity, doesn’t she still need a kid from the Middle East for her collection?

Looks like Amy Winehouse’s in-laws aren’t fans of her music. Or maybe it’s her drug-filled, beating up their son and jumping in and out of rehab lifestyle that they don’t approve of. Hmmm…tough call.

From TMZ:

Amy Winehouse’s in-laws have urged fans not to buy the troubled singer’s music.

Giles and Georgett Fielder- Civil said that a boycott would give the pair the wake up call they need to sort out their drug problems.

Well, that could make Christmas with the Crackhouses…sorry, Winehouses awkward. Anyway, judging by these vacation pics, Amy and Blake don’t look too upset by Mum and Dad’s boycott plan.

Ok, so Paris Hilton was at this party and she DIDN’T have sex with a semi-famous hockey player. Wait, didn’t have sex? I’m confused.

From The New York Daily News:

The N.Y. Ranger, who just split from fiancée Elisha Cuthbert, tried his luck with Hilton at Amy Sacco’s LG House party in Malibu. “He hit on her three times, but every time, Paris would give him disgusted looks and move away from his creepy shoulder-brushing and close-talking ways,” said our snitch. The rebuffed Avery hit on other blonds. “You could tell he just wanted to hook up,” said the spy.

I’d say Paris was showing some sort of actual friendship to Elisha Cuthbert by denying her ex the sex. But that would mean that Paris is capable of thinking about someone other than herself, and I don’t think that’s been scientifically proven yet.

Of course, if she was a true friend she would have banged the guy and given him herpes. That’s what a real BFF would have done.

Here’s a shocker. Lindsay Lohan maybe having “issues” in rehab. And by issues I mean getting wasted and banging fellow rehabbers in the bathroom. Ah Lindsay, how we’ve missed you.

From A Socialite’s Life:

“Lindsay got called into the director’s office on Aug. 15 and was questioned about drugs. When ordered to take a drug test, she reluctantly complied but screamed and cursed at the medical director before storming out the room. She was told that if she couldn’t conform to the program she’d have to leave.”

What, the nature walks, kayaking and tanning sessions aren’t helping? Color me astonished. Now can we get to the electroshock stuff?

Now this is fighting dirty. Looks like Kevin “gimme the kids” Federline may be the snitch who called the kiddie cops in on Britney Spears. Cause nothing says custody fight like child abuse allegations. Just wait until Britney acuses of K-Fed of forcing the tykes to listen to his freestyling all day long. Oh yeah, it’s coming.

From TMZ:

Sources tell TMZ the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services “abuse investigation” into Britney Spears does not involve physical mistreatment of her children.

Sources say the complaint lodged with DCFS involves allegations of poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits for her kids. Curiously, although DCFS keeps these allegations secret, they ended up in legal papers filed today by K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, suggesting it might have been Fed-Ex himself who lodged the complaint.

Well who knew that being a mother meant you had to feed and clothe the kids and take them to the doctor. What a rip off! Why don’t they just drive themselves to the grocery store for vegetables and whole grains if they don’t like Doritos and Red Bull? I mean Sean Preston is what, like 2? Why doesn’t he have a job yet?

More serious news. The Butterscotch Stallion Owen Wilson reportedly tried to off himself and ended up in the hospital. No has has confirmed that this was a suicide attempt so it could be that the likeable and oddly attractive master of highlights accidentaly swallowed a bunch of pills and sliced his wrist open. Hey most accidents happen at home, you know.

Owen has since asked for privacy so that he can heal and rumors are flying as to what caused Owen to allegedly try to cash in his chips. Me, I’m guessing someone sent him a script for Shanghai Noon Part 3 titled “It’s Mostly About Jackie Chan Doing Cool Sh**.”

Pics of Owen’s supposed ex-girlie Kate Hudson. Cause its less depressing.

Well, turns out Britney Spears hasn’t been taking out her aggressions on her itty-bitty puppies. Apparently the SPCA has decided that Brit’s injured Yorkie is getting taken care of and that Britney is being a decent enough puppy mommy. As for what kind of baby mommy she is…well that’s still up in the air.

From People:

The group’s Los Angeles branch “has received written confirmation from a veterinarian that Britney Spears’s dog London has received proper medical attention for a leg injury.” Questions were raised about the Yorkie’s condition on Friday, when SPCA president Madeline Bernstein confirmed to PEOPLE that officers attempted to contact the pop singer after receiving complaints that London was in a cast or had broken its leg and had not received proper care. “Over the past day or two we started receiving phone calls and e-mails from people that were concerned about the dogs” in Spears’s care, Bernstein said.

Quick someone get that in a deposition for the custody case. It may be the only piece of evidence in Brit’s favor. “She didn’t break her dog’s leg.”

Oh sh**! Britney Spears may have bigger problems than her tanked career and bad weave.

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned Britney Spears is being investigated for possible child abuse.

A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today’s appearance.

Damn, that’s serious stuff. I’m not good with serious. What can I say, sarcasm is my defense mechanism and keeps me from dealing with reality. It was more fun to make jokes about Britney stuffing her kids into pies or selling them to her Cheetos dealer when it was just make believe. But now it’s all awkward.

So I’m looking at these pics of Jessica Simspon sucking in her tummy and sticking out her boobs and I’m wondering…is it possible to actually suffocate yourself by sucking in your gut? I mean she doesn’t look blue or anything, but it can’t be healthy to hold your breath that long.

Anyway, here’s Jess filling out her tank top in all the right places. Yeah, she looks good and if that floats your boat, go for it.

So here’s Jessica Alba looking all sexy and fun loving at what looks like some sort of carnival.

Now, my question is if someone with a camera spotted Jess looking all pretty on the midway throwing balls into a clown’s mouth or tossing rings over glass bottles, why couldn’t anyone grab a shot of her hanging upside down on that boat that flips around or stuffing her face with funnel cakes?

Is one picture of a glamorous star losing her lunch after riding the Zipper too much to ask?

Wow, now there’s a fun couple. Check out Kid Rock (and his ass) hanging with a newly shorn Paris Hilton at the Polaroid Beach House. How many comunicable diseases do you think are swimming that hot tub right about now? Yikes!

I’ll bet instead of a hired hand passing out towels at the pool they’ve got a nurse handing out antibiotics.

I know I should make some snarky comment about Kid’s ass hanging out, but really what can you say when you come face to face with that? Remember, kids, crack is whack.

Oh and if anyone cares, I think I like Paris’ new do.

Buckle up, London, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. American pop tart Britney Spears is rumored to be considering a move across the pond.

From Metro:

She thinks her only hope is to move to London for a fresh start. She is so scared about losing her boys that her mind is racing trying to think of how to keep them. Britney thinks she can arrive in London and blend in with the locals. But she doesn’t have a clue how to write a cheque.”

Blend in with the locals? Is she planning on living on the floor of a pub?

And I’m pretty sure taking the kids to another country during a custody fight is a big no-no. Plus, it would probably freak out the security guards when they see two little boys stuffed into Brit’s carry-on bag.

Photo courtesy of Flynet

Secret sweeties Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are still keeping their “are they even together” relationship on the quiet. But the equally pretty Reese and Jake are reportedly both spending time on Martha’s Vineyard.

From TMZ:

Jakey G, wearing his best pair of homemade capris, is vacationing on the island after wrapping his new film, “Rendition,” — in which he co-stars with the hot, Oscar-toting Reese Witherspoon. Reports say Reese’s Pieces are on the island as well!

Coincidence or secret snuggling rendez-vous? Or if they were an item but aren’t anymore, maybe it’s just an awkward travel arrangement.

Academy Award winning actress Charlize Theron needs to buy a new dress. Something in white, with ruffles and beads and a petticoat. That’s right, Charlize is rumored to be engaged to her long time boyfriend Stuart Townsend.

From The New York Daily News:

Charlize Theron is reportedly engaged to Stuart Townsend, her boyfriend of six years. I wonder if the fact that she’s told the press that “Marriage is simply not for me” was part of the reason he waited so long.

No, I’m guessing the reason he waited so long was because he saw Charlize’s freakishly right on performance in Monster. That’s enough to make any man’s little soldier duck and run for cover.