Apparently, even though Tom Cruise brainwashed Katie Holmes into becoming a scientologist, he hasn’t tried to work his evil ways on David and Victoria Beckham. According to the Daily Mail:

“We respect their religion. We respect everything they do and believe in. “But they’ve never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be a part of this’, because that’s not what they’re about. It’s never been about that. “There’s been nothing shoved down our throats because friends don’t do things like that.”

Not yet anyway. And maybe Cruise realizes there isn’t much point because Beckham’s popularity obviously isn’t in L.A. what it was in England, and he probably won’t be around for long. Or maybe Cruise isn’t trying to convert Beckham to Scientology, but instead to his side of the…erm…closet?

Parade magazine had to shove their foot in their mouth after wrongly reporting that Natalie Portman had regrets about filming a nude scene. In an attempt to grovel and beg for forgiveness, the magazine published a series of gorgeous pictures of Portman, in which it is blatantly obvious that she is way too pretty for the pages of such a crappy publication. And anyway, the woman looks good with no makeup and no hair – so how, exactly, does this make up for their libel?

It seems that a decision has finally been made about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s custody battle, and Britney is (surprise, surprise) the loser. Commissioner Scott Gordon has issued a written statement that allows Spears three weekly visits, from noon to 7pm on two days and one overnight visit, with Federline maintaining custody of the children the rest of the time. A parenting coach must also be present at all times during Spears’ visits.According to TMZ, the parenting coach complained that Spears makes few attempts at verbal communication or play while with the children. In the report, the coach wrote that “It seems that [Britney’s] choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.”

Why would they even torture these kids by forcing them to spend three days a week with this clearly incapable lunatic? It’s all such a cliché, in a trashy movie-of-the-week kind of way…except without a happy ending in sight.

Mila Kunis is the voice behind Meg on The Family Guy, which celebrated its 100th episode with a party in L.A. Kunis showed up looking a) hot and b) nothing like her character from the cartoon. The disconnect is a little bit jarring. It’s sort of like when you actually get to see what people from the radio look like, in the “Wait, the sound from the radio is coming out of your mouth” sort of way…except that Kunis, unlike most disc-jockeys, is actually better looking in real life than her voice would lead you to believe.

Jessica Simpson showed up to a Frederick’s of Hollywood event doing what she does best: being a hot blonde. Emphasis on blonde. She wore this little black number, which apparently didn’t allow for any actual underwear. Maybe she thought it was like a Tupperware party, and she was supposed to buy some there to take home…it’s not much of a stretch. Chicken of the Sea, anyone?

Can you imagine what the poor guys’ reaction must have been??? “Um…thanks, baby. Hey, when you get your tonsils out, can you make that into a cuff for me? Awesome.” Or, more likely, “Heh. Heh…(uncomfortable silence ensues)” and then silently, I’ve really got to get my locks changed.

Or maybe this is really one of those passive aggressive things, where she’s trying to get him to dump her so that she doesn’t have to dump him! Ooh, she’s a smart one, that Scarlett.

But maybe she’s just one of those gorgeous crazy people. I wonder if this is just what happens when you use too much peroxide.

On Tuesday, Mariah Carey launched her new perboobs at Macy’s. Oops.

Let’s try again.

Mariah Carey’s new fragrance, “M by Mariah Carey” made its deboob yesterday in New York.

Oh.

Lord.

There’s absolutely no avoiding the abundance of Freudian slips. I mean, come on, just look at them! Not like you weren’t already. Okay, Mariah, we get it: you’ve got nice ones. Now, please stop making all the drag queens crazy with envy and put them away.

Well, it’s only fair, isn’t it? The whole world thinks Heidi Klum is hot because they get to see practically everything (including her voluptuous knockers) when she poses for Victoria’s Secret. Heidi Klum’s idea of “hot” is Seal, because of his big unmentionable. Does nobody else find this all terribly ironic?

So why go after his computer equipment? According to TMZ, the magician would select women from the audience during his show and bring them on stage. If he liked them, he would whisper code words to his assistants, who would then track the women and bring them backstage later. The women would be told that they might be asked to participate in shows if Copperfield toured their hometowns, and then their photographs were taken. Additionally, the women would be asked questions, like what their favorite men’s cologne is, or where their favorite vacation destinations were. Copperfield owned several islands in the Bahamas, which he purchased for $50 million.

Phew. That’s a lot of work just to get women. You’d think that if you were a multi millionaire you’d just schmooze enough to get women to sleep with you. Or maybe, just maybe, instead of all of that mysterious undercover work, Copperfield should get a therapist and a stylist, so he can stop being so creeptastic and step out into the real world as a guy that women would actually want to date, instead of the guy women date because they’re bribed to.

“She doesn’t want all the distractions, whether it’s the paparazzi or whatever else is going on. Britney needs to focus on improving her parenting skills and prove that she really wants these kids.”

Hey, maybe the next thing they’ll have to do is tie Brittney down to a chair and force her eyelids open so that she’ll actually focus on her kids instead of being distracted by every mirror and shop window she passes.

After becoming an overnight celebrity with his “Leave Britney Alone” performance on Utube, Rocker has taken his talentless gig on the road in hopes of attaining the fame of Paris, considering they share the same amount of skills. Crocker took the stage at Vegas’ Piranha and reportedly flashed his girly package at the group of social rejects who apparently had no where else better to be that night. I, for one, could not attend after given the option of seeing his ‘performance’ or volunteering for a drug free root canal performed by a drunken Parkinson’s patient using a broken bud bottle.

Personally, I don’t get all the hullabaloo about Natalie Portman. Sure she’s pretty enough, but every man with a penis that likes girls is all hot and bothered over Natalie’s newest short film Hotel Chevalier because Nat flashes her naked bottom and a little side boob.

Is it because she seems so aloof and untouchable? Is it some unshakable Star Wars fantasy like Princess Leia in the gold bikini? I mean here’s Natalie in some truly artistic work of movie magic and the only thing guys will be thinking is “Dude, that’s Luke Skywalker’s mom’s ass.”

He currently has a film project with Denzel due to be released in november and was scheduled to perform on the BET Hip Hop Awards.

Hope you didn’t kill anyone Cliff, and don’t drop the soap.

Dirty, Detroit rocker Kid Rock was grilled for naughty details by Howard Stern this week when he came on to promote his new CD, “Rock N Roll Jesus.” Without the uncomfortable gag ball of the FCC stuffed down his throat, Kid Rock expressed the freedom that only satellite radio can provide. Stern pressed for sexual details however the most interesting topic seem to overshadow the coitus conversations; apparently Pammy is crazy for animals. The rock star explained that during a marriage counseling session he urged Pam to tell the therapist what she had recently told him. Crazy Pam reportedly told her husband at the time that if there were an animal and a human drowning, she would save the animal. When the therapist asked Pam if this were true, her response shocked the therapist when she intimated that “animals are so innocent and people can be so mean.” According to Rock, the therapist had to remind Pam that her two children were in fact human.