It seems while Britney was on vacation in Hawaii in June (and we can only assume falling down drunk) she was filmed doing the nasty with a 28 year old man who just happened to have placed a camera somewhere in the bungalow at the Four Seasons where this drunken romp took place.

I dunno about you but I can live without it. I for one, hope he means it when he says that he may not release the video because, and I quote the InTouch article: "he was so disappointed by his own performance, he is embarrassed to let the rest of the world see it".

My prayer is this: Dear God, I have no desire whatsoever to have my inbox flooded with two thousand emails a day containing links to a video of this rancid has been stripper getting banged by what is probably a scruffy pot smoking beach bum with a surfboard on the roof of his Yugo. So please God, don’t let this video ever see the light of day. Thank you.

Well look who finally figured out how to read a court order…that’s right, everybody’s favorite pop disaster Britney Spears. Britney has reportedly passed a drug test and has followed the rules for her supervised visitation with her sons. Hey y’all, she done did somethin’ right!

From TMZ:

Spears also had similar visitation yesterday and last Saturday, and she has accepted the fact that a parenting coach will be watching and making suggestions.

As we first reported, Britney would not open the door for the children last Thursday because she didn’t want anyone to tell her how to raise her kids.

Now she just needs to figure out how to fix her hair and her singing career. You go girlie!

So just in case you missed a Star Trek re-run or if you happen to have a hankering for Flash Gordon, here are more pics of Victoria Bekcham in Paris doing a photo shoot for some fashion mag that I can only imagine is really popular among the robot fetish crowd or intergalatic space travelers.

I’d say that what looks like a satirical take on Posh’s robot image is clever and whimsical, but I think its more likely that Posh just took a wrong turn in her closet and wandered down the costume aisle.

Television world saver Kiefer Sutherland will do time for his latest DUI arrest. The 24 star was sentenced by a Los Angeles judge to 48 days in lock up.

From TMZ:

Kiefer will do 18 days for the probation violation, surrendering December 21. He will serve an additional 30 days for the current DUI and must complete that sentence by July 1.

Based on what TMZ knows about production schedules, that would mean Kiefer is serving the bulk of his sentence when “24″ is on Christmas holiday and not in production — he may have agreed to the speedy disposition of the case in order to protect the show from having to shut down production.

Now that’s a professional for you. He schedules his jail time around his production schedule. You just don’t see old school Hollywood class like that much anymore.

Ok, so here’s Mrs. Tom Cruise formerly known, and at least a little respected, as Katie Holmes indulging in one her seemingly great passions in life…doing a freakishly good impersonation of her nutty husband. No, wait, I mean shopping. That’s right, she loves shopping. The slow transformation into a younger looking Tom Cruise is just for fun.

So we all know that Pamela Anderson married Paris Hilton’s sex tape co-star Rick Salomon. And here are some of the details of the oh so classy and elegant Vegas vow swap.

From TMZ:

Pam and Rick — whom Anderson called “Scum” on her blog announcing their wedding — were married during the 90 minute break between Hans Klok’s magic shows at the Mirage, where Pam is his assistant. The wedding cake was made of out cardboard, because the baker didn’t have enough notice to make a real one.

And by the way, I have officially given Pam and Rick their celebrity couple nickname…Prick. Like it? I thought you would.

Ok, you know how everyone is saying that Britney Spears has totally tanked her career and that she’ll never be famous for singing again. Well, apparently Brit-Brit has been listening and now she’s looking for a new job…as a bartender. Nope, not kidding, I couldn’t make this it up if I tried.

From TMZ:

Sources inside the Viceroy Hotel in Santa Monica, Calif. tell TMZ Brit checked in Thursday and at around 10:30 PM went downstairs and started talking with a bartender.

We’re told Spears told the bartender she wanted to do what she did — then asked for and obtained an application from the night manager to work in the hotel’s “Cameo Bar.”

Sounds like a great idea until some guy waltzes up to the bar and says “I’d like a slow comfortable screw up against the wall” and Brit goes “Hey, me too! Let’s go.” And drags him off to loading dock.

But hey, it could be worse, she could be trying to get a job in a day care center.

So Lindsay Lohan is officially checked out of the in-patient part of her rehab program, but the ready to start over starlet is reportedly planning to stay in Utah for a while to do some out-patient treatment.

TMZ has Lindsay’s statement not long after she left the Cirque Lodge:

“Everything in my life came to a point where I had to make a decision,” she tells OK! magazine just “hours” after getting out of rehab in Utah according to the mag, her third stint in the last year. She tells the mag that she’s still worried about relapsing and would be “living in denial” if she weren’t, but will continue to act – “I’m here to stay.”

This is all suprisingly mature and thoughtful. I’m confused. Don’t most celebs check out of rehab and head to the nearest bar and car rental agency? What’s all this about continuing therapy and follow-up? Buzz kills, all of it.

Oh and by the way, Lilo looks so much like her mom here it’s kind of freaking me out.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…I actually don’t what the hell it is. Check out Victoria Beckham at the Louvre in Paris apparently trying to smuggle in a small aircraft carrier in her jacket.

Or maybe Posh was running late and she dashed out of her mansion so fast that she forgot to take the hanger out of her jacket before she tossed it on. That makes sense because she obviously forgot her bra (not that those silicone filled rocks needs any additional support) and the rest of her skirt as well. See what happens when mannequins try to dress themselves.

So, were you wondering what was so frickin’ impportant that Britney Spears couldn’t find time to pee in a cup to keep custody of her kids? (I know it was keeping me up at night). Well apparently so was the judge which is why he passed the kiddies to K-Fed and told Brit to haul her white trash weave into court next time.

Anyway, turns out Brit slept through her drug tests.

From E! Online:

Sources close to the proceedings told the Los Angeles Times that Spears’ assistant twice informed the testing lab that her boss was asleep and then on another occasion told the technicians that Spears would be unavailable to take a test at home.

Again, let me just point out that if they offered to let her take the test in a Taco Bell bathroom this could have all been taken care of already.

Pamela Anderson is now officially Pamela Anderson-Sleezebag…oops sorry…I mean Pamela Anderson-Salomon. Pammie has reportedly married sex tape star Rick Salomon is Las Vegas.

From TMZ:

Third time’s a charm? Blonde bombshell Pam Anderson wed sex tape prince Rick Salomon last night in Las Vegas. The two were married at the Mirage Hotel in a ceremony attended by Anderson’s kids, as well as celeb friends Tobey Maguire and Lukas Haas, reports People.

Anderson’s previously been married to rockers Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, and Salomon was briefly wed to “Charmed” witch Shannen Doherty. Rick is the “co-star” and producer of “One Night in Paris,” the Paris Hilton sex tape, from which he is said to have earned millions.

Wow, Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and Rick Salomon…talk about great taste in men. How can I get Pammie to pick out my next boyfriend. I’m sure there’s a convicted rapist or part-time pimp somewhere in her rolodex she can fix me up with.

Well, looks like there are at least two biological relatives that Britney Spears can spend time with. Rumor has it that Brit and her mom may be patching up their very Jerry Springer fued.

From People:

Sources say Lynne and Britney’s younger sister Jamie Lynn flew from Kentwood, La., to Los Angeles Friday evening. On arrival at LAX, the two were mobbed by photographers.

Around 3 a.m., Lynne paid a visit to her daughter’s Beverly Hills home before driving the two of them to Spears’s new Malibu pad.

If I remember correctly it was Mama Spears who yanked a knot in Brit’s ass the last time she hit rock bottom and tossed her crazy butt in rehab. So, having mom nearby can only be a good thing.

As far as Paris Hilton is concerned any party she attends is a party in her honor. Just as her sister Nicky.

From TMZ:

TMZ cameras caught up with a sparkly Paris Hilton as she helped celebrate her sister Nicky’s twenty-fourth birthday at Vegas Nightclub LAX on Friday night. When does this girl sleep?!

All eyes were supposed to be on Nicky, but Paris — still surprisingly extension-free — stood in the spotlight to give her lil’ sis a birthday shout-out. Then, for the rest of the night, Paris danced wildly on a couch — grabbing all the attention.

Is there some sort of rehab for attention whore-ism? Or do we just have to wait until Paris is old to give lap dances and has had so much plastic surgery that she can’t open her pie hole to steal the microphone anymore?

Look out Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab.

From People:

“She’s finished the program,” one source says. “Lindsay is done, but she may come back for outpatient treatment. She over-extended her stay because she wanted to. She could have been out awhile ago, but she chose to stay.”

Lohan was photographed Friday afternoon with her father Michael, who carried her suitcases, leaving Cirque Lodge. “I will be there in her life as best I can but from here on she’s going to have a lot of decisions to make on her own,” Michael told PEOPLE Friday. “Now that she is going out into the world, I can only hope for the best.”

Now, I don’t want to be the gossip whore responsible for jinxing Lindsay’s sober streak and sending her into a booze binge relapse of galatic proportions. So I’ll just say “good luck Linds” and leave it at that.

Well its unofficially official that Jennifer Lopez is preggers. We don’t have the announcement from J-Lo’s peeps, but sources are saying that La Lopez is in fact going to be a mommy. Plus, witnesses from a recent J-Lo concert claim they spied the baby bump.

From TMZ:

Sources have confirmed to TMZ that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant!!

In addition, we’re hearing that J.Lo and Marc Anthony are expecting twins.

Twins. Wow, Jenny from the Block will be eating the block by the time those little Lo’s pop out.

Uh-oh, looks like Ashton Kutcher is going to get a lecture about taking care of his cell phone. Maxim is reporting that Demi Moore’s boy toy husband forgot his cell phone in a cab while on vacation in France back in April and now the enterprising taxi driver who found the famous dude’s phone wants a $1 million reward/ransom. If the age defying couple doesn’t pay up the French Fry is reportedly threatening to sell naked photos of both Ashton and Demi that are in the phone to the paparazzi. Oh, and he’s got all of Ashton’s celebrity buddies’ digits too. Vive la extortion!

Remember Anna Kournikova? Former professional tennis player who never won anything but was still ridiculously famous because she was way hotter than all the other girls playing with balls and rackets? Yeah her. Well here she is in a bikini.

I know it doesn’t really count as news, but its a Saturday and she’s a sort of celeb in swimwear. And while she may not have much of a career at the moment, she does still look good in a two piece.

Looks like Britney Spears has a plan for getting her sons back. The rumor is that the pop wreck might head back to rehab in an effort to regain custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. The boys are currently with Brit’s suddenly responsible and not so stupid ex-husband Kevin Federline.

From TMZ:

OK! magazine is reporting that Spears is planning to head back to Crossroads Centre in Antigua over the weekend “in an attempt to get custody of her children.” The facility, founded by Eric Clapton, has reportedly also treated Whitney Houston, another ex-train-wreck on the way back.

This is the same center Brit spent 24 hours in before she split back to the US and had her infamous head shaving, car pounding meltdown.

Of course, if Britney does hit rehab, she can’t stay long since she has been ordered to be back in a Los Angeles courtroom on October 26th for another custody hearing.

It’s Friday and I’m in a good mood, so here’s some celebrity sponsored cuteness for you. Check out Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt out with Shiloh. It’s like the Waltons…if Ma had an Oscar, Pa was mouth wateringly hot and the kid all had trust funds and nannies. See, just like the Waltons.

Anyway, here’s Hollywood’s most glamorous family looking all normal and nice. No scandals, no drugs, no custody fights, no upskirts, no down shirts, no vomit, no handcuffs and no Britney Spears.