So the game of the moment is “where in the World is Lindsay Lohan?” Apparently there’s some debate about whether Lilo has checked out of rehab or if she’s still in the sober zone. Celeb watcher site X17 recently reported that Linds left the Cirque Lodge rehab. But the gossip gods over at TMZ say that Lindsay is still rehabbing but that she’s moved on to some family therapy with her dad, Michael. Family therapy…now there’s a brilliant idea.

All I know is that judging by these pics, Lindsay has somehow teleported to the 1960’s and is on her way to San Francisco.

If the puppy lovers over at PETA have their way, Britney Spears could lose custody of more than just her kids.

From TMZ:

In a letter from PETA Prez Ingrid E. Newkirk, she writes to Fed-Ex: “For the sake of your children and the animals who are at risk while in Ms. Spears’ custody, we hope that you will do the right and best thing for all involved and pursue a custody order for the animals so that your sons can continue to have the company of the animals they’ve grown to adore.”

Dang, now things are just getting ugly. Anyone else want to take a swipe at Britney? What’s next…trying to take away her wigs and Cheetos?

Apparently, Britney Spears has better things to do than show up in court and fight for custody of her kids. The judge yanked the kids away from Brit and gave full custody to Brit’s ex-hubby Kevin Federline. Britney ended up with monitored visitation rights.

From TMZ:

Kevin Federline will retain custody of his children and Britney will get monitored visitation — this after a court hearing lasting nearly three hours.

K-Fed showed up in court. Brit wasn’t there. We just got a shot of Spears gassing up her SUV at a Shell gas station in the San Fernando Valley.

Well, that pretty much says it all. Girlfriend needed gas in her car more than she needed her kids. I think we can stop feeling sorry for Britney Spears. Wait, you weren’t feeling sorry for her? Oh, me neither, I was just trying to be nice.

Kid Rock is not impressed with recent rumors that ex-wife Pamela Anderson might be pregnant. In fact, Kid says that Pam faked a miscarriage when he delayed a visit to the set of Pam’s movie up in Canada because he had Lakers’ tickets.

From People:

“I’m like, ‘Baby, I got these tickets. I’ll see you on the weekend there,’ and that leads into her saying, ‘You don’t care about me, blah blah blah,’ ” Rock says. “She finally comes up with this: ‘I just had a miscarriage’ … and hangs the phone up.”

In November 2006, Anderson’s then-publicist issued a statement confirming reports she had a miscarriage and asked that “everyone respect her privacy during this difficult time.”

But when Kid finally arrived in Vancouver, he didn’t like what he saw:

“She’s partying at this restaurant, drinking champagne, jumping on the tables. I’m thinking, ‘That’s a quick recovery from a miscarriage.’ “
Rock filed for divorce from Anderson a month later, ending their four-month marriage.

Well, what do you expect when you blow off your woman for a basketball game? Geez, dude. get your priorities straight. B-Ball or an aging sex symbol with hepatitis in another country?

Brad Pitt is sad. Poor Brad. The hot humanitarian and insta-dad recently spoke with Parade Magazine about his occasionally gloomy side, the paparazzi and his charity work.

On doing good stuff:

“Whoever said all men are born equal never left his own backyard,” Pitt asserts. “I see people everywhere without opportunity. I want to help level the playing field.”

On whether Angie is responsible for his humanitarian work:

“That’s idiotic!” he replies. “I do it because I’m a member of the human race. In Africa you see people on the street dying from AIDS, children left without parents. We’re all cells of one body, with the same emotions and desires for our families–for a little dignity and a chance for a better life. Let’s focus on that! I believe in the founding principles of America. I want to fight for that. I know most Americans feel the same way.”

On celebrity:

“I understand the tabloid machine,” Pitt told the magazine. “There’s money to be made off Angie and me, but it has gotten out-of-hand. There’s no decency, even when it comes to our kids.”

“You start to see the fickleness of celebrity - that it isn’t rooted in something of real value,” he said. “There is this strange wanting by people to get next to you. It has nothing to do with you but with something they feel they are missing in themselves.”

On feeling sad:

“I always felt a pervasive sadness,” he said. “I’m not sure I earned it, because it was always there. It existed in the place where I grew up - in my family, in people who have true sweetness and true goodness. Maybe it’s a congenital sadness that everyone has to some degree.”

Wow, Brad Pitt is deep. Like big words, thick books, discussing poetry in coffee shops deep. I wonder if that’s going to be make our after-sex cuddling awkward when he starts talking about Africa and I’m trying to sleep.

So Britney Spears may have been pretty much called a druggie and a bad mother in court, but Brit’s pals say the imploding pop tart isn’t worried.

From New York Daily News:

She is feeling very optimistic about the future,” Spears’ pal Sam Lufti told Us Weekly yesterday, brushing off Spears’ drug-test delinquency as a minor mix up. “There were scheduling conflicts and some errors in communication as to times and places for drug tests . . . but they’re all squared away now,” he said, as if Spears had missed a weave appointment rather than a stern judge’s order. “She is hoping the judge will reverse the order” giving full custody of her boys to her ex-husband Kevin Federline, Lufti said, “now that she is making steps to follow through with what they asked.”

So Britney couldn’t follow the directions to go to a drug testing center. Now if the judge had just told Brit to head on down to the bathroom at the gas station and pee in an old coffee cup Britney would have been all “hey, is it Friday night already?”

What are the chances that Britney Spears would hook up with a random guy while on vacation and end up with a sex tape? Well, it is Britny so the chances were pretty good that this would happen eventually. The walking disaster that is Brit-Brit is rumored to have been caught on tape bumping uglies and the dude she banged is reportedly thinking of making the tape public.

From In Touch Weekly:

Things are bad now for Britney Spears, but could they get even worse? A guy who met Britney while she was on vacation in June has told In Touch that he made a video of them having sex — and the tape might become public. So far, the only thing, he claims, holding him back from releasing the video is that he was so disappointed by his own performance, he is embarrassed to let the rest of the world see it! The 28-year-old man, who was living on Hawaii’s Big Island at the time, says he left his camera rolling without Britney’s knowledge as they became intimate at a bungalow at the Four Seasons hotel on the Kona-Kohala Coast on June 7.

I love that the guy just admits that he was rotten in the sack. Not that he had much to work with…I mean it’s Britney, bitch. And you thought I couldn’t work her lousy song into the post. Yeah, I’m that good.

So Pamela Anderson and her current sleeze reportedly picked up a marriage license in Las vegas, but didn’t actually swap I dos. Now one tab is saying that there may be a reason for Pam and Rick Salomon to pledge their std’s to each other. Pammie might be preggers.

From OK! Magazine:

“She definitely looks like she’s got a bit of a bump,” one source tells OK!. “And this wouldn’t be the first time Pam has rushed off to get married because there’s a baby coming.” The source is, of course, referring to the rumors that the Baywatch babe’s surprise 2006 marriage to Kid Rock happened after she’d been impregnated. While these claims have been denied by the actress, they were bolstered by the fact that she filed for divorce from Kid only 11 days after miscarrying their unborn child.

Aren’t her eggs all dried up by now? I mean if Pam’s face is that shrivled, shouldn’t her ovaries be closed for business?

I’m not exactly sure what you get when you cross pond scum with silicone, but I’m sure the government will want to use it for military purposes.

Update: Had to change the photos…copyright stuff, threats of lawsuits, that kind of thing.

So mom-wreck Britney Spears was all broken up about losing custody of her kids. In fact she was so sad and distraught that she immediately sought out counseling and made a committment to turn her life around and change her ways so that she can one day be reunited with the sons she loves. Oh wait, that’s not what happened. She got a tan instead.

From The Daily Mail:

It was business as usual for troubled Britney and the first stop on the singer’s agenda - after surrendering her boys Sean Preston, two, and one-year-old Jayden James to their father Kevin’s bodyguard - was a visit to Epitome, her favourite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the Peninsula Hotel. But, as she made her way inside, two photographers got into a fight - which seemed to amuse the giggling singer no end.

Brit was probably so oblivious because she didn’t even realize that the kids were gone. She looked in the backseat saw a few Happy Meals, strapped the bags into the car seats and drove home singing “Mommy loves her little french fries…come give mommy some ketchup.”

Talk about a let down. Turns out Eva Longoria’s widely rumored sex tape is a hoax. That’s right…a spoof, a tease, a cruel joke played on horny internet surfers. The tape is on Will Ferrel’s site Funny or Die and stars Eva Longoria and comedian Eric Christian Olsen.

Sorry boys, no sex, no boobs, no swinging from the ceiling. And all over this great land grown men can be heard weeping on their keyboards.

Well, you knew it was coming. Britney Spears has lost custody of her two sons. A Los Angeles judge has ordered Brit’s ex-husband and baby daddy Kevin Federline keep the kids until the judge says otherwise. And let’s face it, the judge ain’t gonna say otherwise for a really, really long time.

From TMZ:

L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today, stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.”

Judge Gordon had ordered Spears to undergo random drug testing and take parenting classes. Sources say Federline’s powerhouse lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan raised the issue that Spears was driving without a valid California driver’s license, something first reported by TMZ.

Yeah, you know this judge is pissed at Britney. She has pretty much ignored everything he told her to do…the court ordered parenting classes, drug tests, drug counseling and now driving without a Cali license. No wonder he tossed the binky book at her and yanked the kids.

So check out Jennifer Aniston relaxing in Mexico and looking ready to rebound in an itty-bitty bikini. And who is that in the grainy background? Why that’s none other than sexy pirate Orlando Bloom. And let the hook-up rumors begin.

But before you get too excited, Orlando’s peeps have already denied the romance rumblings.

From MSN:

“This is 100 percent not true,” Bloom’s spokeswoman pooh-poohs to MSN Entertainment of the love connection chatter.

“They were both in Mexico along with many others to attend a wedding of a friend who works at the management company where … [they] are represented,” he tells us.

Well that sucks. I though Jen had finally traded up for a guy that could actually make Brad Pitt a little jealous. Sure half of Hollywood thinks Orlando is gay, but even a gay elf is a step up from Vince Vaughn.

Grab your credit cards boys, Desperate Housewives sexpot Eva Longoria is rumored to be the star of a sex tape that is ready to hit internet pay sites. Don’t worry if you’re too cheap to pay to see Eva ride her hunky hubby like a rodeo clown (I am). Eventually it will get posted somewhere for free. I just love internet show and tell.

From The Sun:

Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby TONY PARKER.

You know, of all the old chicks on that show who could have made a sex tape, Eva was probably the best choice. But I’m willing to bet that the repressed chick who blew up Melrose Place would have had the kinkiest mattress show. Well, before she had the kids.

Well this is as wrong as wrong gets. Check out Tori Spelling dressed up as a Pussycat Doll. I know, it’s more frightening than sexy. It helps is you just look at her from the neck down.

Hey, good for her for losing the baby weight and getting all skinny and stuff, but what happened to her face? It looks like Tori has been swiping her mom’s plastic surgery coupons. Was Donna Martin always this ugly? Is that why she got stuck with the nerd and never got to hook up with the hot guys on that show?

Well now we’re all screwed. Kiefer Sutherland, the guy who’s always saving the world from terrorists, has just been busted for another DUI. This bust comes while Kiefer is still on probation for his last not quite sober vehicular adventure so now he’s facing possible jail time. If he gets sentenced to the ugly jumpsuits and close quarters he could serve anywhere from four days to one year.

So who’ s gonna defuse the nuclear bomb if Kiefer is busy hammering out license plates?

Looks like Lindsay Lohan and her daddy dearest Michael are scheduled for another rehab reunion.

From TMZ:

Actress/bad driver Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael Lohan, says he’s heading to Utah again next week to spend quality time with his troubled daughter.

Lindsay and her dad had been estranged for the past two years but recently reconciled.

So Michael the ex-con is going to take the barely sober and relapse prone Lindsay out of rehab to a “secret location” for a field trip. Um, does anyone else have trouble seeing the brilliance behind this brainstorm?

Tough girl Michelle Rodriguez is back in trouble with the law. Los Angeles prosecutors are claiming that the Lost star has violated her probation for a whole bunch of vehicular no-no’s and they want her back in front of the judge.

From TMZ:

TMZ has obtained documents, filed Thursday in Los Angeles County Superior Court, in which the City Attorney says Rodriguez, who starred in “Lost,” has repeatedly failed to complete the terms of her probation for a variety of crimes, including hit and run, driving with a suspended license and DUI. According to the documents, Rodriguez violated her probation numerous times by not performing community service and not following her alcohol monitoring program. The judge in the case has ruled several times that she did indeed violate her probation.

How do you not follow the “program” for the booze buzzer on your ankle? I didn’t realize it was an optional accessory. Isn’t that thing locked on?

But you know, of all the celebs who have faced jail recently, I think Michelle is the only one who wouldn’t pee her thong when she hit the yard.

Baby maker Nicole Richie is learning all about how her intoxicated driving could have killed someone. Nic has been on her best behavior since her grueling hour in jail and has recently signed up for her court ordered don’t drink and drive course.

From People:

Papers filed with the Superior Court of California show that on Sept. 26 Richie signed up for a 18-month anti-drinking driver course, known as the SB 38 Alcohol Program. The program consists of 52 hours of group counseling, bi-weekly face-to-face interviews and 12 hours of alcohol education, according to the council. Participants are also encouraged to attend 12-step meetings.

This July 27, Richie was sentenced to four days in jail, fined $2,048 - and forced to sign up for the driving rehab course because she was previously convicted of DUI in June 2003.

Toss in a few healthy eating classes, a class on how to write a pre-nup and a seminar on remembering where you put the baby and Nic will be good to go.