Merry Christmas…ok, it’s a little early for that, but this is still a post that will convince you that even on your worst day, you’re still not nearly as nuts as Britney Spears.

Brit’s former bodyguard and current blabber mouth, Tony Barretto gave an interview to News of the World and here are some of the highlights:

On a rumored overdose

“On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth….I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she’d overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die.

There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she’d been injecting, or through her neck.

On her mommy style:

He also told how she kept Jayden James and Sean Preston up late so they would sleep through the mornings and not wake her. If they woke early, a member of staff dealt with them.

Tony said: “Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she’s happy. When they’re crying or unwell, she’s not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.”

On the nudity:

“It’s the strangest thing, she likes to expose herself. I think part of it is she likes to embarrass people and make them feel uneasy. Before I even started working for her, I was warned about her stripping. I must have seen her naked dozens of times and each time I’ve been extremely embarrassed. She strips off anywhere—at home, recording studios and clubs. Even at the dance rehearsals, she took all her clothes off in front of me and then bent over, not even to pick anything up. I felt my ears burning and turned my head to the wall.”

Yeah, so that day that I woke up, blew a month’s pay on shoes, binged on Chunky Monkey, hit the clubs, went home with that Brazilian sailor and ended up losing $100 and my favorite black lace panties…still not even close to Britney’s kind of wack.