Amy Winehouse

My lord, what is going on with this disaster?

Amy Winehouse was working with Mark Ronson, the guy that produced her Grammy Winning Album, on having her do the new Quantum of Solace James Bond flick Soundtrack. I guess that didn’t go so well. Imagine that.

Sky News says, “We tried to work for a little bit. I’m not sure she’s ready to work on music yet,” he said.
Asked if the Quantum of Solace track will be made he added: “I don’t think so unless by some miracle of science it gets recorded and someone sings a vocal on it so probably not. We did work on it but we never finished it so that’s about it.”
Asked if the pair are due to work on other projects he replied: “No, we tried to work for a little bit. I’m not sure she’s ready to work on music yet”.

Not sure if she’s ready to work on music yet? What a joke. She really doesn’t have much time left on this planet. When she goes, I expect all the local London meth dealers may have to get real jobs.

No matter how many times I think that Amy Winehouse has reached the limits of all things unsexy, she breaks a new barrier. This time it’s with those weird pouches on her face and of course, the new and fresh cutting marks. Either Amy is suffering from that weird cutter mental disease again, or someone needs to buy her a cutting board for the asparagus.

I can honestly say I wouldn’t even drink a cup of coffee after her. Actually, I bet the coffee itself begins to evaporate when Amy looks at it. Like mixing weird chemicals together, Medusa’s eyes and Central American beans; a chemical reaction is only natural.

I think Amy needs to check into the same rehab joint as Britney Spears is in. You know, the one that takes dried up raisins and turns them into pretty puffy grapes again?

Just kidding, she went nuts. Apparently she knew that her dad was cheating on her mom. This all happened when she was a little kid. Amy says she wasn’t really affected by it all. NOT!

She must have just let it all build up until she completely imploded mentally and emotionally. Wackjob!

People says, “The children used to call Jane ‘Daddy’s work wife,’ ” Winehouse says on the program One Life: Rock Star Parents, to be aired next week.
He says her angry song, “What It Is About Men,” refers to his behavior.
“It is easy for me to say it is my fault, and that had I been a better parent this would not have happened. But who knows whether it would or not?” he says.

Daddy’s work wife! That’s awesome!

Honestly, why would you expect Amy Winehouse to trash a Hotel room? I mean, come on, I am sure she is in bed early every night watching reruns for Friends and Seinfeld.

Not the case. Apparently….hope your sitting down…..spills drinks all over Hotel rooms. Oh, also, she smokes in non-smoking rooms.

The Sun says, Booze was spilled all over the wooden hallway and cigarette butts, countless bottles of champagne and unwashed knickers were all over the floor. The blackened bath had to be scrubbed and unclogged after she dyed and washed her famous beehive in the tub. She had even taken a large mirror off the wall and placed it on the floor. Staff were baffled why. I’m not.

I wonder if when she check into a Hotel they just automatically put her down for a smoking room. I wonder what they would do if she asked for non-smoking? I love how the staff was baffled. After they cleaned up, they went directly back down to their caves.

And….about that Blake guy….the one that tried to overdose in jail.

The singer was in tears as she spoke to Blake through a pane of glass, in a room separate from other prisoners. Their marriage has been under strain since we revealed Blake has been trading signed photos of her for heroin. 

I want to go to this jail. Sounds like the stuff you get in there is sooo much better than the stuff you get from all the Sig Ep kids on Campus drive.

Yep, they have always looked mysteriously good even when one would suspect that they would be troubled. I mean, I don’t think having all that meth blown off of them would keep them healthy. Well, in another round of How the Winehouse Turns, we find our answers, where else, but at a party.

Page Six says, “She left a pair of boob enhancers - like chicken cutlet things to push up your boobs - and some hair extensions in the toilet,” our spy said. Later, Winehouse and Wood went to his apartment with a group of people who “were all getting drunk - except for them.” 

Um, right. Weird. Oh well, at least they stay looking fit.  The hair extensions were pretty much expected. I wonder what keeps her …. ugh, I have to keep this baby work safe, so I will not go there.

Showbiz Spy says,  Just days before the overdose he was hauled in front of prison bosses for failing three random drug tests. He was locked in solitary as a punishment, but was soon back in search of a fix.
The source added: “He’s being very stupid. It’s only because everyone reacted so quickly that this dodgy gear didn’t do long-term harm.”

At this point, he can probably drink Heroine in liquid form for breakfast  and still grocery shop in the afternoon. I love how he goes to jail and still has a reliable drug dealer. What I want to know is how they could tell that he overdosed? I mean, does he have one of those labels that turns blue when he is done? Kind of like Coors Light?

Maybe this was just his big celebration party for Amy winning all those Grammy’s and then probably banging her new pal? Ah, the things that can drive a man to use even more heroin…..

The Sun says, A pal said: “She’s said it’s fine so share a hotel room because he is gay. But he doesn’t seem gay to me — I think he’s bisexual. Amy’s husband wouldn’t be happy if he saw how close they are.”
This new Blake character sounds like a much better influence than her jailed hubby FIELDER-CIVIL. He is a drug-free, teetotal veggie who likes reading the works of French poet CHARLES BAUDELAIRE.

The only love I see them having is the same love Leonardo Dicaprio had in Basketball Diaries when he is running through that wheat field. Or floating through it, whichever makes the most sense.

This guy looks like a mix between Chris Robinson of the Black Crows and Cris Angel of Vegas Douchebaggery.

Yeah, you heard me right. Natalie Cole is calling out Amy Winehouse on her Grammys, saying it makes her a bad influence and that we too often reward people for bad behavior.

People says, “I don’t think she should have won. I think it sends a bad message to our young people who are trying to get into this business, the ones who are trying to do it right and really trying to keep themselves together,” said Cole, 58. “We have to stop rewarding bad behavior.” 

Look you stupid b*&tch, she was rewarded for being an artist, not for having vicodins for breakfast.  Lets all remember that you had some drug binges that were so bad you nearly killed both yourself and son.  And didn’t you win a grip of these trophies yourself?

Idiot.

Record of the Year, Best New Artist, Song of the Year for “Rehab,” Best Vocal Album and Best Pop Vocal Performance.

Because her passport was denied, she had to accept the Awards and perform in London, where she was surrounded by her parents and friends. Seeming very emotional, she cried and sent thanks.

US Magazine says, After accepting her award, an emotional Winehouse, who was joined on stage by her dad and mom, thanked her parents, record label and “incarcerated Blake” — her husband, who has been behind bars since last last year.
“I can’t believe I’ve won 5 awards. It’s a shame I couldn’t be there to accept the awards but I’m so proud and happy that I had the opportunity to perform for the Grammys in my hometown of London with my family and friends around me,” she said. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” .

Amy wants to save the George Tavern pub in London. The historic pub is being threatened by an apartment complex. Amy had shirts made reading “Save the George,” because she is original like that. I have always wondered if her hair has superpowers. I mean, right now it appears to be communicating with space or the heavens.

Amy hasn’t been much help lately because, well, she is still in Rehab waiting to get out so she can get a bump.

People says, “She’s not well, so nobody’s allowed to contact her,” Forster said. “I spoke to her on the phone twice before she went into rehab, and I’ve spoken to her father a couple of times. He told me I could write her a letter, so I sent a handwritten one and popped a t-shirt in the post.”

“She’s now well.” There is the understatement of the year. How about, “she is whacking out of her freaking gorde.” See how that rolls off the tongue. Maybe I should write for People. Keep it real folks.

Feeling like life has you down? Well my depressed friend, meet Amy Winehouse. She spends $1000 a day on drugs and somehow, she still will not die.

News of the World says, “I want Amy to grab this opportunity in rehab so we can have a marriage and future together. Because the way she’s going I really fear I will come out of prison to no wife.
“I dread my cell door being opened and the chaplain informing me, ‘Amy’s dead.’
“I have that nightmare three or four times a week.

Opportunites in rehab are this: you meet other people that share your same affinity for said hobbies. Like doing blow, and apparently a lot of it. Amy Winehouse just makes me feel better about myself, like things just aren’t that bad. Sometimes I get depressed about being a loser and somehow Amy Winehouse encourages me abysmal reality.

Statement from record label Universal Music Group”Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors. She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction.”

I am giving this a Robert Downey Jr. snowball chance in hell. She is an addict. She will got to rehab, meet more addicts, and party on. This train ain’t stoppin’ for some silly rehab program.

Plus, sorry, but rehab is for quitters. I don’t think Amy Winehouse is exactly the quitting type. She is a physiological warrior, her body can endure tons of chemicals. She has worked hard to be able to function as a total mess, why throw all that hard work down the drain? I doubt highly this episode last.

Bottom, meet Amy Winehouse. Check out this youtube video of Amy Winehouse smoking crack and admittedly taking a handful of Valium.

If the characters from Fraggle Rock went to McDonalds for Chicken McNuggets while coming down fand tweaking rom a meth bender, they would probably look like they were in better shape than this walking catastrophe. Amy was celebrating with the nuggets and sauce after attending her husband’s preliminary court hearing, which regards his charges on perverting justice.

Amy should be brought up on charges for perverting public spaces. She is gross. I bet the McDonalds staff scrubbed themselves clean after Amy left. She is like a walking rash. I am pretty sure that her hair is dying like trees in the New England winter.

More gross if that is your cup of tea.

The walking disaster that is Amy Winehouse showed up to have breakfast with Kelly Osbourne and her pug. I am pretty sure that in all the years of seeing drug laden rock stars coming over with Ozzy, that Amy pretty much takes the cake. Look at the poor pug, I think it probably thinks they intend to sacrifice it and wrap it’s remains in a McDonald’s Breakfast Burrito.

I would like to touch Amy Winehouse just to prove to myself that her pulse is beating. I just can’t imagine that her flesh is any warmer than a seal’s coat. Is she a walking miracle? A testament to all dead creatures that a second chance may well be in the cards?

What breakfast could she possibly be up for? A meth buffet? I mean, druggies really don’t eat very much.

Here are a few more shots of the living dead.

Umm….don’t you have an XBOX or crossword puzzles lying around the meth labratory? My God! You know things are bad when your meth delusions bring you to becoming an inhouse salon. Amy, time to find some other hobbies to keep those shakey hands occupied, because this looks disturbing. I mean, this basically says to the world that you have probably seen yourself and you were approving enough to head down to the magazine stand.

Also, FYI, your hubby’s momma is not happy with you. I don’t know, taking a vacation with your ex-hubby while the current one is rotting in a drugfree jail isn’t going over well.

In case you ever considered doing meth, check out these scared straight pictures.

UK Police found a way to be major party poopers. Most of you probably remember that Amy said she planned to do a whole lotta drugs through New years Eve. Well, unless she has friends like Joe Francis does that will sneak them in the slammer, the party has officially ended. She is being accused of  tampering with evidence.

Not good.

A police source said: “This is a very significant development in the investigation.”
Barman James King was allegedly offered £200,000 to change his story, after Blake and his friend Michael Brown were charged with grievous bodily harm following a brawl which severely injured King.
“As soon as the figure of £200,000 emerged, the finger of suspicion started to point in her direction. How could Blake, who is not wealthy, be expected to come up with that kind of money?”  If found guilty of conspiracy to pervert the course of justice Amy could face life in prison.

In an even more shocking turn of events, she plans to do a lot of drugs for the rest of the month before entering rehab. I can’t imagine. I can’t blame her for this though. I wouldn’t want to spend New Year’s Eve in rehab either. I think she should host a show that revolves around drug use. She could offer  planned regimens suited for specific needs.

For example, I hate people that write checks at the grocery store. I get massive anxiety over it. I also hate people that text while they drive. Certainly there must be a specific bender that just wipes all those memories out of your mind.

Also, I have an ex-girlfriend that I despise. Maybe there is something that erases her completely.

People that are against drugs have probably never had to drive on an LA freeway.

Things aren’t good if your Amy Winehouse’ mom today. Not only do you have to deal with a daughter that looks more and more like a vampire without dental coverage everyday, but also because your comments about your daughter got made public on TMZ. Zing!

In an open letter published in the UK’s News of the World, Janis Winehouse pleads for her daughter to get help.

In the letter, Janis writes, “You are still my baby and you always will be. I pile hope upon hope that you will make that decision, Amy, and your strong will can bend for just a moment to make that decision and come home to me.”

She goes on to say, “Early fame has overwhelmed you, it’s dizzied you and muddled your mind … remember you’re just an ordinary human being, no stronger than any of the rest of us. You think you’re strong enough to get through this on your own, darling, but you’re not.” Early fame. Yeah … that’s it.

Question: Did Janis just now install that AOL CD and get online? My God, how long has this catastrophe been going on? Welcome to the Internet Janis, your daughter is a drunk and doesn’t match most of the time. I safely assume that she doesn’t do her laundry either, I bet it is all piled up around her bedroom. I also pretty much guarantee that she doesn’t make it in before midnight; in fact, I bet she doesn’t even go out until midnight.