Anna Nicole Smith

Larry Birkhead. The highlighted photographer who has said from the start that his sperm swam the fastest has been vindicated. DNA results on Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daughter Dannielynn have shown that Larry and not Howard K. Stern is the baby’s daddy.

From TMZ:

An emotional Larry Birkhead thanked the crowd after Dr. Michael Baird released the DNA results to the judge. The probability of paternity is 99.9999%. Baird said, “essentially he is the biological father.”

Stern said he’d like the transition to be “gradual” so the baby can adjust.

And so Howie can adjust to the idea of being poor. Say bye-bye, baby.

So tomorrow is the big day. We have been promised DNA results on Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn. So the great who’s the daddy mystery will finally be solved. And one of the possible sperm donors is already putting on his good loser face. Howard K. Stern prepping the media for the not-so-shocking revelation that he ain’t the daddy.

From TMZ:

“If Larry Birkhead is confirmed to be Dannielynn’s biological father, Howard will not challenge custody. His love for her will not change, irrespective of the results. Howard will act in Dannielynn’s best interest, because he loves her and would want a smooth transition to protect her, as she is deeply bonded to those who have been with her since birth.

While Howard continues to believe and hope that he is Dannielynn’s biological father, he wants to be involved in her life, regardless of paternity. He wants to share the memories of her mother as the person who knew Anna best and all she wanted for Dannielynn.

So I’m guessing Howie is spending tonight trying to figure out how he can ask his not quite legal daughter for an allowance. I’m sure its what Anna would have wanted.

If Howard K. Stern isn’t guilty of killing someone, he’s doing his best to make it look like he did. The world’s worst lawyer has managed to halt the inquest into Daniel Smith’s death. Howie, if you didn’t do it, why are you stopping it?

From TMZ:

Howard K. Stern has temporarily derailed the inquest into Daniel Smith’s death. The judge in the case has put the inquest on ice for at least two weeks.

Stern’s lawyer argued the law allowing the inquest was flawed, because it was impossible to impanel a fair and impartial jury given the massive publicity surrounding the deaths of Anna Nicole and her son.

Is Howard really so desperate for his 15 minutes of fame that he’s willing to make himself look like a murderer? Because the only reason to stop an inquest is if you did it and you don’t want people to find out. So add this to Howard’s attempt to stop the paternity test on Dannielynn and you have the makings for a super-villian.

Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole Smith’s companion/lawyer/possible (but highly unlikely) baby daddy is trying to postpone the big reveal. Howie just filed an appeal to delay the DNA test on baby Dannielynn.

From TMZ:

Howard K. Stern has filed an appeal in his ongoing paternity battle over Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, this according to “Entertainment Tonight.”

Last week, Stern followed court orders and drove Dannielynn to a lab for a DNA swab. Larry Birkhead also gave a sample.

So the spit has already been collected, the test is either done or will be done soon and Howie just doesn’t want anyone to know the results. Dude, get over it. Stall all you want, the results won’t change. You’re either the daddy or you ain’t. And we all know you ain’t, so suck it up and pack the baby’s bags.

It’s official…Anna Nicole Smith died from an accidental drug overdose. And it looks like it really was just a tragic accident. How anti-climactic.

From TMZ:

After performing an autopsy, it became clear, Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental overdose of medication.

Charlie Tiger, Chief of the Seminole Police Department, just announced there was no evidence of illegal drugs on the day Anna Nicole died and there was no evidence of foul play.

So Howard didn’t do it. Now what’s the mooch going to do? The only thing that made him interesting to watch was the possibility that he actually killed Anna. Now when they prove that he isn’t the baby daddy and he loses his second meal ticket, the guy is going to end up standing on a street coner somewhere with a sign that says “yes man for sale…will flatter for Gucci and a house in the Bahamas.”

The mystery of Anna Nicole Smith’s death is ready to be solved. The official cause of death is reportedly going to be revealed on Monday, but the sleuths at The National Enquirer and Star have broken the story early. The verdict (according the the tabs) drug overdose…duh.

Here’s the scoop:

Sometime overnight on February 7, Anna ingested the sleeping medication chloral hydrate. The drug is extremely potent. The dose was too much” and in fact it was a toxic level, the ENQUIRER and Star have learned exclusively. On Thursday, February 8, Anna never woke up…Anna Nicole also had scarring from numerous injections she got in the buttocks.”

Apparently, Anna also had a massive blood infection that would have done her in even if she hadn’t overdosed on sleeping meds. But don’t kid yourself thinking that this closes the case. The next questions will be who pumped her full of the meds and what did she get the infection from in the first place? And you can expect all fingers to be pointing straight at Howie, even if the only thing he’s really guilty of is being a creepy mooch.

Now that Anna Nicole Smith has finally been laid to rest, the legal drama can get really nasty. The paternity and custody disputes over baby Dannielynn are are going to make the battle for Anna’s body look like a disagreement over dessert. And what’s at the heart of the matter…the baby or how much money she might inherit?

TMZ is reporting that Howard K. Stern has already tried to work some money negotiations with his baby competitor Larry Birkhead:

Debra Opri says the only subject of negotiation is “how fast he [Stern] will produce the child for a DNA test and how quickly he will allow that child to go to California with her real father.”

As TMZ has been reporting, Stern has been asking Birkhead for some involvement in Dannielynn’s financial affairs after paternity is established. Now Opri says, “There were never any deals. It was a one-sided discussion.”

What a stupid thing to ask. If Larry is the daddy (and I’m putting my money on him) then of course he’ll have to support her. But if he isn’t, why would he cough up any cash to help Howard? Sounds to me like poor Mr. Stern is looking for a new sugarmama. Granted Larry has the highlights for it, but I don’t think he swings that way.

While we’re all busy nursing our Oscar night hangovers Monday morning, the Anna Nicole Smith legal circus will be starting up again. And mark my words, its going to get nasty…er…nastier. Here’s your quickie catch up on what’s coming so you’ll be ready for the fireworks.

On Friday, Anna’s mom Virige Arthur filed a motion to appeal the decision to allow Anna to (finally) be buried in The Bahamas. Mama Arthur doesn’t know when to give up or when she has gone way beyond good taste and sense. So expect Anna to still be chilling in the morgue until someone tells her mom she won’t get any money from the corpse.

Also tomorrow the custody of baby Dannielynn and her inheritance will be up for debate. Mama Arthur is fighting Anna’s companion Howard K. Stern for custody saying she can provide a more stable home for the baby girl. That would be the baby she has never met from the daughter who didn’t want anything to do with her.

And finally, a Bahamian court will open the case of who owns the house that Anna and entourage were living in. Stern (when he’s not in court) and baby Dannielynne are still residing in the mansion known as Horizons.

So we’ve got a body, a baby and a house all up for grabs. And you thought your Monday was going to be boring.

Well, the judge in charge of Anna Nicole Smith’s remains has finally reached a decision. The judge released Anna’s body into the custody of the Miami attorney appointed as baby Dannielynn’s guardian who then decided that Anna would be buried in the Bahamas next to her son, Daniel.

But Reuters reports that Anna may not be ready to rest in peace just yet:

The decision appeared to mean the legal tussle over the former topless dancer, famous in life for her bountiful bust, was all but over. But Milstein and Arthur’s attorney said Smith’s estranged mother would appeal, likely delaying the release of the body.

Mama Arthur needs to give it a rest. While she’s busy fighting for her few minutes of fame and fortune, Anna’s body is deteriorating in a Miami morgue. Pretty soon there won’t be anything left of her but silicone and fake nails.

If the fight over Anna’s body is dragging on this long, can you imagine what the custody hearing for the baby is going to be like? My Tivo doesn’t have enough memory for that.

The legal battles over Anna Nicole Smith’s body and baby continue and now a will from 2001 has been turned over to the courts. TMZ has obtained a copy of the will that was dated July 30, 2001. The will leaves Anna’s entire estate to her son Daniel and names Howard K. Stern as executor of the estate.

Well that helps. The will was drafted before Dannielynn’s birth and before Anna had that not-at-all-legal marriage to Stern. Oh, and the only beneficiary mentioned is dead. And here’s motive for you…TMZ reports that Anna’s estate is estimated at $500 million!

I’m not saying that Howie did it, but $500 million would buy alot of nose jobs.

We are up to number five in the Anna Nicole Smith baby-daddy drama. Anna’s bodyguard has come forward and claimed that his sperm beat out that of pseudo-husband Howard K. Stern, ex-lover Larry Birkhead, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s apparently unfaithful husband Prince Frederick, and the thawed out swimmers of dead hubby Howard Marshall. Seriously people, I can’t take much more of this.

Here’s what the bodyguard told Extra:

She told me everything. She told me things no one else knows. I think it was an instant spark, and I think for her it was the same. She was wonderful. A very sensitive and emotional woman. A very good kisser, I must say. She was sick of being called names. Everyone was bashing on her and calling her names and putting her down and suing her. She always told me she wanted to have her kids with me. There’s always a possibility. Poor Anna. I hope she’s in peace wherever she is.”

And this comes right on the heels of Howard K. Stern’s poorly faked tears on Entertainment Tonight (for which he reportedly received $1 million).

Meanwhile, Anna’s body is still in a Miami morgue waiting for a “loved one” to claim her.

Anna Nicole Smith’s half-sister is the first in a long line of people jumping to cash in on the former Playmate’s death. In what has to be the world speed record for ghost-writing (cuz there is no way she wrote this herelf), Donna Hogan turned in a manuscript of her tell-all book on Anna Nicole the morning the embattled blonde passed away.

From TMZ:

On the morning of Anna Nicole’s death, her half-sister, Donna Hogan, handed over the final manuscript to Phoenix Books of a tell-all about the buxom blonde. Soon after her untimely demise, the book was titled “Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith”

In it, Hogan discusses the “weird relationship” Anna had with her lawyer Howard K. Stern. And although she falls short of crying foul play on his part, she reportedly implies that Anna Nicole knew Stern wasn’t the father of 5-month-old Dannielynn and was threatening to let the world know, which might have ticked him off.

Anna wasn’t even cold yet and her sister had speculation on her death ready for print. Either this chick is psychic, in which case a word of warning to her doomed sis might have been helpful, or family loyalty doesn’t stand up to a bigger book advance.

This story is not my fault, so don’t blame me when you spit your coffee all over your computer screen. Gossip monger Janet Charlton has her own personal and thoroughly disturbing theory on who fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl.

From Janet Charlton’s Hollywood:

Our Hollywood, Florida source visited the Hard Rock Hotel today and picked up a little information about Anna Nicole’s time there. Hotel sources say that when Anna arrived a few days ago she was “out of it” and slurring her words and she stayed that way during her visit. Also it seemed that Anna was REALLY dreading the court ordered blood test for her baby - and her reasons might be far more complicated that we assumed. Someone actually speculated that the baby might not have been fathered by either Larry Birkhead OR Howard Stern. Keep in mind this is pure speculation, but this person implied that the baby could have been fathered by someone very close to Anna - someone like her own son Daniel. It’s a horrible thought, but remember, Anna lived in a different world than most of us. Hopefully, the eventual blood test will prove this rumor wrong.

Sick and wrong on so many levels. I’m as twisted as the next girl, but this is too screwed up even for me. I need go vomit and then sit in the shower until the shudders stop. Wrong, people! Sick and wrong!

Anna Nicole Smith’s death is still a mystery. The initial autopsy findings were inconclusive. You know, on tv they would have already figured out what killed her, arrested the guy who did it and had three commercial breaks. I don’t have the attention span for real life.

From CNN:

Anna Nicole Smith did not appear to be a victim of foul play, according to preliminary results of an autopsy Friday.

“There are a number of possibilities,” he said, including natural causes, a drug reaction or some combination of causes.

So basically the guy knows she’s dead and that’s pretty much it. Someone get that chick from Bones. I need answers before I forget to care about this.

Buckle up, people, the Anna Nicole Smith roller coaster ride is still going. As the legal battle over the questionable paternity of Anna’s baby daughter continues, a new potential daddy has tossed his sperm into the mix. (And I am sorry for that visual)

From the Associate Press:

The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor said Friday that he had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and may be her infant daughter’s father.

Von Anhalt, 59, and Gabor, 90, have been married for more than 20 years.

Anyone else want to try to claim this baby? Where was George Bush back in September? What about Hugh Hefner? And has anyone checked Wilmer Valderamma’s alibi for that month?

Zsa Zsa may be 90, but she’s still the chick who slapped a cop for questioning the phony age she put on her driver’s license. I’m guessing she smacked the hell out of her hubby when he went public with this story.

Even in death, Anna Nicole Smith remains mired in controversy. The much publicized paternity battle between her lawyer/partner/not-quite legal husband Howard K. Stern and ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead is still in full swing.

Only hours after Anna’s death, Team Birkhead filed a petition to have a DNA sample taken from her corpse. From her corpse, people! That is like a 15 on the creepy scale. And like a 22 on the tacky scale. Rein it in, schmuck.

So much for the whole “rest in peace” thing.

Anna Nicole Smith died today. The former Guess girl, playmate and reality show star was 39 years old. CNN is reporting that Anna was found unconscious in her room at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in South Florida. The reason for her death is still unknown.

“Reality TV star and former model Anna Nicole Smith was pronounced dead Thursday after being taken to a Florida hospital after being found unconscious in her hotel room, a law enforcement source with knowledge of the case told CNN.

TMZ.com had reported that Smith collapsed at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida, and was rushed to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood just after 2 p.m. ET.

You know, I took my share of shots at Anna and she did some stupid stuff, but this is a sad end to a story that wasn’t finished yet.

In the ongoing drama surrounding Anna Nicole Smith and baby Dannielynn, a Calfironia court has granted a request by Smith’s ex-whatever Larry Birkhead for a DNA test to be performed on the tug of war baby.

The potential Dad said the following:

“Christmas has come early, and I thank God that I will soon have the opportunity to prove that I am the father … and eventually hold her in my arms.”

I have to say, I am so confused. Don’t men usually turn and run the other direction when the stick turns blue? Here are two guys fighting for the right to change dirty diapers and play peek-a-boo.

If I wasn’t convinved that the real issue here is money, I’d be all sappy and sentimental.