Eva Longoria

Talk about a let down. Turns out Eva Longoria’s widely rumored sex tape is a hoax. That’s right…a spoof, a tease, a cruel joke played on horny internet surfers. The tape is on Will Ferrel’s site Funny or Die and stars Eva Longoria and comedian Eric Christian Olsen.

Sorry boys, no sex, no boobs, no swinging from the ceiling. And all over this great land grown men can be heard weeping on their keyboards.

Grab your credit cards boys, Desperate Housewives sexpot Eva Longoria is rumored to be the star of a sex tape that is ready to hit internet pay sites. Don’t worry if you’re too cheap to pay to see Eva ride her hunky hubby like a rodeo clown (I am). Eventually it will get posted somewhere for free. I just love internet show and tell.

From The Sun:

Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby TONY PARKER.

You know, of all the old chicks on that show who could have made a sex tape, Eva was probably the best choice. But I’m willing to bet that the repressed chick who blew up Melrose Place would have had the kinkiest mattress show. Well, before she had the kids.

Hey, there’s Eva Longoria showing off her best side. The newly married Desperate Housewives star is certainly rocking the bikini and tanning oil. From the front I’m not sure what the big deal is with her. But let the chick turn over and touch her toes and suddenly it all makes sense. I’ll bet she always get picked first in wheelbarrow races.

You probably know that Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria wed her NBA beau Tony Parker in France last Saturday. But you may not know that the catfights that are rumored to plague the Desperate set followed the 40-ish women to France. Its being reported that Teri Hatcher wasn’t exactly winning over her co-stars at the wedding festivities.

From The New York Daily News:

At Eva Longoria and Tony Parker’s wedding in France, Teri Hatcher found herself in the crosshairs of some good gossiping. One of their points of contention was Teri’s Badgley Mischka dress, which looked very much like Eva’s bridesmaids’ dresses. Additionally, it appeared that Teri was taking the opportunity at the St. Germain l’Auxerroix church where the ceremony was being held, to get some publicity for herself.

“A private walkway was set up so that as the celebrities exited the bus from the hotel, they could sneak through the fans and paparazzi,” says one guest. “Felicity [Huffman] and Nicollette [Sheridan] walked into the church hand in hand, but Teri took her daughter and walked around into the public area to pose for photos and wave to fans for 10 minutes.”

Well, it was a wedding and Teri is a single woman forced to show up and be happy that some other chick snagged a man while she’s still sitting at home eating Lean Cuisine for one and making up fake stats on her Match.com profile page. Let’s just be happy she didn’t end up banging the bartender behind the bandstand.

Well, the most unexciting celebrity wedding is pretty much underway. Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria married her NBA star love Tony Parker today in a French civil ceremony. The bigger wedding bash is happening this weekend in Tom Cruise style at a French castle. Big, fat whoopee.

From MSNBC:

French law requires couples who marry to make their vows official at a city hall, even if they have a church wedding as well. They and their entourage have given very few details about the nuptials. The couple were thought to be planning a second wedding ceremony Saturday at a Paris church that used to serve French royals. Then, they and their guests were to party at Vaux-le-Vicomte, a 17th century chateau 34 miles southeast of Paris. The couple have enjoyed the tourist sights in the lead-up to the wedding.”

I feel like I should care more about this. But I don’t. So congrats anyway to the happy couple.

Eva Longoria is hanging in St. Tropez with fiance Tony Parker before their sure to be over the top wedding bash later this week. And Eva apparently didn’t pack much besides her wedding gown and some bikinis. Here’s the Desperate Housewives hottie working on her pre-wedding tan in two really shiny bikinis. Fortunately she’s staying out of the water because with all that metal, I’m afraid she’d sink. And nothing ruins a wedding like a water-logged bride.

Oh, and just for fun check out the last pic…even really shiny and probably really expensive bikinis still ride up.

While Eva Longoria is about to get married I highly doubt she’ll qualify for the term “housewife” once she becomes Mrs. Tony Parker. And she’s definitely not desperate. Eva has a hit tv show, she’s about to marry an NBA superstar (who moonlights as a French rap star by the way) and she just signed on to be the new face of Bebe Sport. Life is good for diminutive beauty. So why does Eva look so comfortable wielding that butcher knife at her birthday party?

Eva Longoria’s wedding to hunky NBA star Tony Parker has to be one of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood. It’s right up there with the big shocker that Doogie Howser’s gay.

Anyway, if you absolutely must have the scoop on the Depserate nuptials, The New York Post has the date:

“Eva Longoria will become a not-so-desperate, out-of-the-house wife on July 7 in Paris, according to “save the date” notices for her wedding to Tony Parker sent to guests with a reminder that they’ll need a valid passport to get to France.”

You know most people just send out the little card that tells you check “chicken or beef” or a note that says where the couple is registered. But it takes some cojones to tell people they need a passport to get to your wedding.

Oh, and for you numerology buffs, they’re getting married on 7/7/07. Forget counseling and fidelity, superstition is the way you live happily ever after.

Oh the joys of divorce, when you and your ex divide up your friends along with the books and dvds. In the Mills-McCartney split, it looks like Sir Paul got custody of Eva Longoria (whether he wants her or not).

ContactMusic.com has a story about a Heather Mills possibly doing a guest spot on Desperate Housewives. And Eva Longoria is not happy about it.

Cherry recently revealed he’d love to audition the estranged wife of SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY for a spot in the ABC series, saying, “If Heather Mills can act I’d be interested. It would be fascinating.” But regular Longoria was livid when asked if Mills would appear in the next season, saying, “Oh God no. Not at all. That’s crazy, it would be completely crazy. “If she did have a part I would be offended.”

Does Eva even know Paul or Heather? It’s one thing to help your college friend trash talk their ex and plot revenge when their marriage hits the skids. But its just not cool to fat mouth a peg legged golddigger when you don’t even know the people.

Besides, that’s my job.

Eva Longoria in not in luck lately. First her boyfriend squeezes a hot blonde in a nightclub which ends their relationship, and now she has stumbled and bruised her ribs on the set of Desperate Housewives, which sent her to the hospital.

"Eva slipped on one of the stairs coming out of her trailer," her rep, Liza Anderson, told the Associated Press. "Nothing is broken, but her ribs are very bruised."

I wonder if in the TV show they will pretend that she fell and had to go to the hospital and include this in their script.

It mustn’t take a rocket scientist to be a famous baseball player, or at least in the case of Tony Parker this is the fact. The not-too-bright b-ball star didn’t realize that by dirty dancing and cuddling with a blonde bombshell in a New York nightclub in front of Leonardo DiCaprio, Bono, The Edge and Nick Jagger, and plenty of paparazzi, he would be losing hot Eva Longoria.

A friend of Longoria said, "Eva was devastated when she found out. The blonde was an ex-girlfriend of Tony, and they apparently swapped numbers, but he swears nothing else happened. Eva and Tony are talking right now, trying to work things out."

After her rep said on Friday that "Eva and Tony are going through a very difficult time right now, just like any other couple with extremely demanding careers", things seem to have worsened between Eva Longoria and her husband Tony Parker, to the point that People magazine reports today that they have officially broken up.

"They did break up. It’s amicable," - a source close to the couple has told People - "They are talking and trying to figure the best course of action for their future. They are trying to work things out. It’s distance and demanding careers and not living in same city. It didn’t happen yesterday. It’s been going on for a while."

That’s what happens when your career is more important than your relationship: you make tons of money but you end up enjoying it with people who don’t care about.

It was either her face or her butt. I mean, to show on this "heading" picture, since they both would have not fitted. And since Eva Longoria’s butt is cuter than her face, here you go!

Personally, I think that she’s nothing to look at face wise, but you gotta give it to her: she’s got a great body. And since proof is in the pudding, here are some bikini pictures of this desperate housewife strutting her stuff.