Fergie Ferg

Fergie looks gorgeous and *gasp* feminine here in a photo shoot for Allure magazine. Attempting to capture the old Hollywood glamour again, and this time actually succeeding. Ah, the wonders of good lighting, dainty lingerie, and Photoshop…

In today’s way too much information column, Transformers hottie Josh Duhamel tells Glamour Magazine that he and girlfriend Fergie recently had a stripper pole installed in their home. Uh, I’m all about seeing Josh in a speedo, but Fergie on a pole…not so much.

Here’s what Josh told Glamour about the pole:

“It’s just for fun. [Fergie is] taking lessons, but she won’t get on it until she knows what she’s doing, ’cause she doesn’t want to look stupid. I’m like I don’t give a s–t! I don’t care!”

I love the honest guy thought process here. At least Josh can admit that to a man, no woman looks stupid when she’s sliding on a giant metal pole.

But you know, hearing about Fergie swinging on a stripper pole is a lot like hearing about the time your grandma gave General Patton a lap dance. Good story, but a very bad mental image.

How do you spell sell-out? F-E-R-G-I-E. The Fergalicious one has agreed to plug Candies merchandise in the lyrics of her songs in exchange for $4 million. She will also shill the brand in tv commercials and have Candies “style advisors” giving makeovers at her concerts.

From The New York Post:

“With record sales in decline, you must find novel ways to make money out of the music. The trick is to make the brand part of the song, so that it slips down easily rather than chokes the fan,” an executive at Interscope, Fergie’s record company in Los Angeles, told the Sunday Times of London.

Can’t you just imagine those future songs? “My humps, my humps…look great in Candies strech capris on sale now.”

But who am I to judge? If someone gave me $4 million, I’d find a way to work product placement into the Bible. Who’s to say that Eve didn’t clothe herself with hip Juicy cargo pants?

So I don’t know what has inspired Fergie’s recent media blitz, but here she goes again. Fergie is using all of our favorite buzz words to keep herself in the spotlight…lesbian, prostitue, drugs and Catholic.

From Female First:

I have had lesbian experiences in the past. But I started having sex quite late on - after I was 18. I was raised a good Catholic girl. I won’t say how many men I have slept with, although it’s not many, but I am a very sexual person…When I was going through my out-of-control phase, I could have got into some very dangerous situations. But I never sold my body - ever.”

And I’m sure the Pope is thrilled to have Fergie in his camp. In fact, I think I heard London Bridge playing during communion last week. Maybe they should see if Fergie is free to play the Virgin Mary in the Christmas play…but she might be more believable as St. Joseph.

Fergie needs an intervention. And not about drinking or drugs or anything remotely fun…someone needs to tell that girl to lay off the plastic surgery. Her face has gone from actually decent looking to down right frightening. And not just waking up and seeing your one night stand in the still in your bed frightening…we’re talking horror movie freaky.

Between the butt fat injected inot her cheeks, the collagen overload in her lips and the fake orange tan, she looks like an oompa loompa having an allergic reaction to shellfish. Give the docs a rest, Fergie.

Black Eyed Peas booty queen Fergie got her booty kicked off a flight to London for being too drunk to fly. While the rest of the band left for the UK, Fergie was stuck in LA until she sobered up.

From Female First:

“She was falling all over the place and had to be supported. She was in no state to fly. But when she was prevented from boarding she couldn’t believe it. She was drunkenly ranting at staff but could barely string a sentence together. It was very embarrassing.”

It’s not all that surprising that a rocker was too wasted to get on a plane. Getting hammered and looking like a fool is in the job description. What I love about this story is that the rest of the band was like “well, see ya. We’re off” and left her drunk ass in the airport. Guess they figured that Fergie could travel solo, too. Bitter much boys?

Fergie and boyfriend Josh Duhamel are out and about catching a few rays and showing their love for each other in the age old tradition of bestowing wedgies. Because nothing says lovin’ like pulling your girlfriend’s bikini bottom up her crack.

For all her plastic surgery faults, Fergie’s got a nice caboose so I can understand the attraction. But honestly man, save the back nine for the golf course…or at least for your hotel room. I’m a little too uncomfortable to floss now. And that won’t make dentist happy.

The Fergalicious one is denying reports that she is preggers. She’s also dentying rumors that she and boy candy Jush Duhamel are engaged.

She says:

“I’ve heard that I’ve been engaged probably about seven times, and pregnant, but I’ve never been either. Sorry to disappoint.”

So, is there anything interesting going on with her? Please, no more platic surgery. Unless there’s an undo key that will magically fix the mess that she has become, she needs to stay far away from Dr. Make-Me-Pretty.

Part of me wants to poke her cheeks just to see if they’ll explode. But then I think about having to clean up all the silicone or butt fat or whatever they injected into her face and I decide it just isn’t worth the anitseptic.

Super freak Fergie is ready to settle down…or at least say the words. Rumors has it that Stacy Ferguson aka Fergie and boyrfiend Josh Duhamel are engaged.

From Starpulse:

Fergie is trying to keep her engagement a secret by hiding her ring in her handbag when she’s out in public. The singer accepted boyfriend Josh Duhamel’s wedding proposal just before Christmas, according to reports, but she doesn’t want to make the happy news public until they have set a wedding date. Life & Style magazine claims Fergie, real name Stacy Ferguson, was showing off her four-carat diamond engagement ring at a pre-Christmas party at film producer Michael Bay’s home on December 15 - but has kept it hidden ever since.

And Josh looks like a such a normal kind of guy. Who would have thought that he likes it all sweaty and crazy. I will never be able to look at him again without picturing him getting his freak on with Fergie. And you know that girl works him like a sled dog in a blizzard.

Just a quick reminder, ladies and "some" gentlemen, to remove your hair curlers before you leave your house today. As you can see, the effect with them on is not as desirable as you may have expected. Neither it was what Fergie Ferg had in mind when she forgot to take them off.

This photograph is a good example of why sometimes it sucks to be a celebrity… you can’t even look like a housemaker without people commenting about it!