Kevin Federline

Kevin Federline came in at #7 on Details magazine’s most influential 50 men under 45 issue, which means that either a) men under 45 are all slackers, thus making Federline look better than he actually is or b) he just looks really good in comparison to Britney. Which is highly possible. We have to hand it to the guy, he’s been a model parent by comparison, but influential? I’m not so sure about that one…

Kevin Federline can’t say that the media never did him any good. Federline’s lawyer wants to use TMZ’s video of Britney Spears running a red light while talking on her cell phone with the kids and the court monitor in the car in an unscheduled hearing this Wednesday. The lawyer has already asked Commissioner Scott Gordon to prohibit Spears from driving while with the children, and while that decision was supposed to be made on November 26th, Federline and his laywer are hoping that date will be moved up with the video tape as evidence. If Britney wants to make Kevin look like the father of the year, she sure is doing a good job of it. Check out the expression on the face of the court monitor (sitting shotgun) — you can practically hear her thinking, “I can’t believe I’m risking my life riding with this idiot. Get me out of this f***ing car!!!”

Everybody relax, no one is trying to kill Kevin Federline. Nope, not even Britney.

Apparently there was a whole investigation into a reported plot to off K-Fed, but the police decided there wasn’t enough evidence in the case.

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned that reports of an FBI investigation into a plot to kill Kevin Ferderline are completely untrue — however, an LAPD investigation was conducted in the past.

TMZ also spoke with the L.A. spokesperson for the FBI, who blasted reports claiming that the the FBI ever confirmed anything about a K-Fed investigation saying, “The information on the Internet on these reports is not accurate. It did not come from the FBI at all.”

Wait, what? Information circulating on the internet may not be true? I don’t understand. Does that mean the free compuer I registered for isn’t coming? What about the sexy millionaire who promised to take me to Brazil after I sent him my life savings? Man, if you can’t trust anonymous websites that look cool, who can you trust?

Kevin Federline has a new career in mind. The former ex-Mr. Britney Spears and overly fertile rap reject wants to be an actor when he grows up. K-Fed recently landed an acting gig on One Tree Hill and he liked the whole thing much that he’s thinking of trading his failed kept man career for an acting career.

From People:

Britney Spears’s ex donned the spiky ‘do for his guest-starring gig on the CW’s One Tree Hill, according to Extra, which visited Federline on the set.

As are producers, who cast him for a two-episode arc but may want him back for more, calling him a “perfect fit” to play the frontman for No Means Yes, a rock band in the show’s fictional setting of Tree Hill, N.C.

See that’s just wrong. Even when he’s “acting” we still have to hear him sing. What’s up with that? Don’t they have any parts for mute homeless guys?

Looks like the Britney Spears vs. Kevin Federline custody fight won’t be going away anytime soon. Rumor has it that the legally brawling ex-couple met to see if they could end this whole child tug o’ war. And turns out they can’t.

From People:

“Britney asked for [the meeting]. She wants to put an end to this public debacle,” says the Spears source. �However, Kevin [has] refused. He needs more money so he’s determined to win this.�

Court documents released Aug. 30 show that Spears’s income is $737,868 a month and that Ferderline receives $20,000 a month in spousal support but has no �net income after business expenses.�

Ok, both of those numbers are ridiculous. How does Britney make over $700,000 a month…a MONTH people…when all she seems to do is drink heavily, lip synch badly and prance around in her underwear?

And how in the name of all that is Hollywood does K-Fed have over $20,000 a month…a MONTH people…in “business” expenses? Dude, you can’t count PSP games as “research” and just because a bunch of your mooch friends crash at your pad doesn’t mean you can call them “employees.”

So while Britney Spears was busy looking like a confused stripper during the VMA show, her ex-hubby Kevin Federline was busy looking like a responsible and caring father. Opps…that won’t help Brit in the custody fight.

From People:

Personal assistants were seen picking up banners, balloons and an ice cream cake, all in the theme of the animated movie Cars, for Jayden James, who turns 1 on Wednesday, and Sean Preston, who turns two on Friday…

Spears’s parents, Jamie and Lynne, stopped by for the party at Federline’s San Fernando Valley home, joining about 20 guests. They had also visited their grandchildren the day before, while their daughter was hitting the club scene in Vegas.

So when the judge asks Britney why she missed ker kids’ party she’ll say “But yer judginess, I had a real important show.” Then K-Fed’s pit bull in a pin stripe suit will pop in a video of the performance and the judge will be all “no kids for you!”

Man, as if the Britney Spears vs. Kevin Federline custody brawl wasn’t ugly enough. Now we’ve got Britney buddies in hiding and Israeli commandos chasing them down.

From TMZ:

Last night, at 6:09 PM, LAPD officers responded to a street in Venice, Calif. Aaron Cohen, a former counter-terror commando in the Israeli army — attempted to serve a subpoena in the custody case. Cohen, who works for K-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, spotted Sam Osama Lufti, who may have some association with Spears, but we don’t know exactly what.

TMZ has learned, according to the police report, Lufti recognized Cohen and then gunned his Silver Mercedes SL, smashing into Cohen’s Buick. We’re told Lufti then reportedly smashed into a Range Rover.

And then there’s Brit’s former manager Larry Rudolph who has publicly announced that he’s gone underground to try to elude the process servers.

From People:

�He said he’s doing his best to hide from Kevin’s process server,” Ryan Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. “He’s actually on the run. They are trying to track him down and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the custody battle.� Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears earlier this year, �doesn’t want to be served because he said it won’t be good for Britney,” said Seacrest.

Witnesses in the Britney Protection Program? Commandos with subpoenas? Dude, it’s a custody case! Seriously, do the kids have super powers or national security secrets stashed in their teddy bears?

Anyway, check out Britney with and without her wig and trying not to drop her cigarette ashes on her kid’s head.

Now this is fighting dirty. Looks like Kevin “gimme the kids” Federline may be the snitch who called the kiddie cops in on Britney Spears. Cause nothing says custody fight like child abuse allegations. Just wait until Britney acuses of K-Fed of forcing the tykes to listen to his freestyling all day long. Oh yeah, it’s coming.

From TMZ:

Sources tell TMZ the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services “abuse investigation” into Britney Spears does not involve physical mistreatment of her children.

Sources say the complaint lodged with DCFS involves allegations of poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits for her kids. Curiously, although DCFS keeps these allegations secret, they ended up in legal papers filed today by K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, suggesting it might have been Fed-Ex himself who lodged the complaint.

Well who knew that being a mother meant you had to feed and clothe the kids and take them to the doctor. What a rip off! Why don’t they just drive themselves to the grocery store for vegetables and whole grains if they don’t like Doritos and Red Bull? I mean Sean Preston is what, like 2? Why doesn’t he have a job yet?

Oh sh**! Britney Spears may have bigger problems than her tanked career and bad weave.

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned Britney Spears is being investigated for possible child abuse.

A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today’s appearance.

Damn, that’s serious stuff. I’m not good with serious. What can I say, sarcasm is my defense mechanism and keeps me from dealing with reality. It was more fun to make jokes about Britney stuffing her kids into pies or selling them to her Cheetos dealer when it was just make believe. But now it’s all awkward.

Don’t call Kevin Federline an unemployed mooch anymore. At least not to his face. The ex-Mr. Britney Spears actually has a job. A temporary and probably overpaid job, but it does technically meet the requirements for employment. K-Fed reportedly just landed a guest starring role on the CW show One Tree Hill. Break out the Emmys people.

From TMZ:

Our source said that while Fed-Ex was extremely excited to star on the show, he would only agree to filming if his shooting schedule coincided with his custody arrangements. We’re told that he made it quite clear that if shooting interfered with seeing his kids, he would not be available.

I’ll bet the Fedster is happy about the gig. Considering that the only entries on his resume for the past three years have been baby-maker, purse holder and doomed rapper I’m betting he would have agreed to star on Animal Planet at this point.

So by now most of the world thinks Britney Spears has some serious parenting issues. Well, guess who else is joining the “Give K-Fed the Kids” camp? That’s right, his other baby-mama Shar Jackson. Shar was spotted at the “Hot in Hollywood” event last week and when asked about the Britney vs. Kevin legal wrestlemania for the kidlets, Shar said “”Kevin is a great dad!”

Uh-huh, remember this is the guy who ditched her (and his first kid) when she was pregnant with his second kid so he could go bang Britney Spears and make two more kids. So maybe by “great dad” she was just commenting on the fact that his sperm successfully fertilized eggs.

Ok, if any of the following stories are true than I’m officially rooting for Kevin Federline to get the kiddies. K-Fed and his lawyer have been busy collecting affidavits from Britney Spears’ former employees…and it doesn’t look like Brit needs to practice her Mother of the Year acceptance speech anytime soon,

From Star:

What those affidavits allegedly reveal about Britney and how she treats Sean Preston, 23 months, and Jayden James, 11 months — including ranting “You were both mistakes!” at the tots — are shocking and disturbing, the source adds. And they could prove to be the straw that shifts custody to Kevin!

And, the source reports, one of her bodyguards swears that Britney is drinking cocktails out of water bottles. “He says he’s seen Britney take prescription medication and drink. She has wandered through the house naked and in various states of undress, sometimes in front of the boys.” A second bodyguard has sworn in an affidavit that Britney “drinks at all hours of the day,” the source tells Star. “She does drink in front of the boys. She drinks everything she’s got in her bar at home — Patr�n tequila, champagne, vodka, Baileys, rum, Scotch.”

In addition to all of those winning parenting practices we’ve also got stories of Britney trying to whiten her kids’ teeth, giving them soda in their bottles. And let’s not forget all of her public craziness. To save time, Brit should just stick those boys in a Priority Mail box and call for pick-up.

Yeah, Britney Spears is totally fu****. Kevin Federline is passing out supeonas like the Gideons pass out Bibles. Not only has Brit’s assistant and cousin and general party buddy Alli Sims been served, but now Brit’s former bodyguard Daimon Shippen and former assitant Shannon Funk have also received the request to testify. Shippen is the guy with the quick reflexes who caught Sean Preston when Britney almost dropped him in New York. And Shannon is the assistant who was with Brit during her meltdown photo shoot with OK! Magazine. Shannon actually only worked for Britney for three weeks before she was fired. But three weeks of crazy is probably plenty.

So this is pretty much Britney’s worst nightmare. Well, actually her worst nightmare probably involves a giant bag of Cheetos and a stampede of wigs, but knowing that the people who know all of her dirty secrets will be testifying in court has to be a close second.

Oh, it’s on now. Britney Spears may have been hoping that Kevin Federline’s latest “gimme back my kids” court filing was just a game, but he just upped the ante. K-Fed’s mega-lawyer just served Britney’s cousin/assistant/eye witness to every stupid thing the pop tart does, Alli Sims with deposition papers. Yep, Brit’s party pal is going to have to testify. And there is no way that’s going to be a good thing for Britney.

Alli was reportedly served at 3am leaving a house party in the Hollywood Hills.

From People:

“Alli was really shocked and covered her face,” an observer tells PEOPLE. “[She was] really distraught and said ‘Oh my God.’

Yeah, that whole “do you swear to tell the truth” thing is a bitch.

Britney Spears is so off the deep end that she’s now accuisng her mom, Lynne, of hooking up with…wait for it…K-Fed. That’s right, Britney thinks her mom has not only teamed up with Kevin Federline to help him get custody of they boys, but that Lynne might be getting some of the little Fedster on the side. Yep, Brit has officially belly flopped into the deep end of the Jerry Springer pool.

From Star Magazine:

“Britney doesn’t know up from down right now. She’s so confused and angry, she told Lynne that she was so backstabbing, that she was probably sleeping with Kevin just to hurt her feelings. Lynne, on the other hand, is deeply hurt that her own daughter would so viciously accuse her of doing something so terrible.”

This is so white trash that even the woman sitting in her double wide trailer with pink rollers in her hair and a Camel hanging out of her mouth as she screams at her eight kids and their five fathers to shut up so she can watch her stories is looking at this and saying “damn, that girl is trashy.”

Buckle up kiddies, its going to be a bumpy ride. Kevin Federline is going to custody war with baby mama and ex-wife Britney Spears. Fed-Ex filed court papers yesterday that reportedly demand more custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Right now he and Brit have a 50/50 custody split, but it looks like K-Fed has finally had enough of Britney taking the boys on the crazy train. The court docs are sealed but I’m guessing they include big legal words like “whore, public nudity, crazy and doesn’t remember where she put the kids.”

Pics K-Fed should use as evidence.