Kevin Federline

Biug day for Britney Spears. The nutty pop tart is officially single again. Her divorce from Kevin Fedelrine was singed, stamped and made official today. The child custody agreement and Fed-Ex’s oh so manly taking money from my baby-mama agreement were kept sealed.

Also today, we got another sneak peek at Brit’s new music video for her single Get Back. And apparently the song is about a Hell’s Angel biker bitch who does a little pole dancing. At least that’s what I’m getting from the pics. Or maybe it’s about a washed up pop singer who desperately wants attention and will keep taking her clothes off until people notice her.

Britney Spears has definitely booked a first class seat on the crazy train to loony land and now its causing her more than just pr problems. Turns out Kevin Federline (or his lawyers) have been watching Brit’s wackiness and Fed-Ex has decided to take the kiddies back.

From The Scoop:

Spears was recently spotted driving with her younger son Jayden facing forward in his car seat, not backward as federal guidelines require. And earlier this month, he was photographed grabbing his mother’s cigarettes. On July 18, she stripped to her skivvies on a beach in front of photographers and reports of bizarre behavior at an OK! magazine shoot have friends seriously worried about the Toxic singer. Spears wants K-Fed to sign a joint custody agreement, but he’s reportedly refused. “Kevin is convinced she’s not fit to raise the kids,” an insider told the mag. “He’s done tolerating her behavior and is gearing up to fight for full custody.”

So to me this isn’t so much a question of why he thinks Brit can’t handle the kids, but more of a “what took him so damn long” kind of thing.

Get ready for another big ol’ Britney Spears sob story. Brit has reportedly sold an exclusive interview to OK! Magazine where she’ll talk about everything from her career to her kids and then some.

From TMZ:

“Toxic” trainwreck Britney Spears’ crazy really has hit the fan. TMZ has learned that the pop tartlet recently called up “OK!” magazine’s main number and asked for “OK!” Editor-in-Chief Sara Ivens. Miraculously, the mag’s receptionist believed it really was Brit-Brit, and she was patched through to Ivens.

It seems Brit wanted to talk biz and negotiate a tell-all interview with the magazine, and not surprisingly, Ivens agreed. Miss Brit-Brit is expected to dish on her beloved babies; her mama drama, the Fed-Ex, and more.

Brit’s pity party is expected to hit news stands next week. And I’m guessing K-Fed and Mama Lynne aren’t going to be pasting this issue into their scrapbooks.

How’s this for news that may throw the rational world off its axis…Britney Spears may not have been a lush and a stoner when she went into rehab. Britney is trying to get paperwork from Promises to prove that she wasn’t using when she entered rehab and that she only went because her mommy made her go.

From TMZ:

Sources tell TMZ that Lynne Spears, Kevin Federline and then-manager Larry Rudolph all pressured Britney to check herself in. We’re told Spears acknowledged having emotional problems after her second child was born, but strongly maintained she did not have a drug or alcohol problem.

Nonetheless, multiple sources say Federline threatened to go public by going to court to wrestle custody from her if she didn’t go to rehab. Sources say Spears could not withstand the pressure from her mom, Federline and Rudolph, and checked into Promises last February 20.

And the next thing you know scientists will prove the Bigfoot is really a fluffy bunny, gravity is optional and alcohol actually makes you smarter.

Kevin Federline doesn’t want to sign the divorce papers. And it’s not because he wants his wacked out Britney Spears back, he wants to have it in writing that he can keep Britney from seeing their kids if she goes all loco again.

From People:

“Britney’s attorneys are anxious to see Kevin sign off on a divorce. But Kevin and his lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan are dragging their heels out of concern over reports of Britney’s post-rehab partying. [Federline] wants to make sure that the divorce document makes it simple enough for Kevin to downsize Britney’s access to her kids the next time her behavior troubles him.”

Do you know obnoxious you have to be to make K-Fed’s ass pucker? But here’s a tip for Kevin if he starts wanting the kids again. Wait until Britney goes shopping and while she’s parading naked in front of the paparazzi, bribe the nanny, she’s probably the only one who would notice the rugrats were gone anyway.

Pics of Britney campaigning for mother of the year.

Kevin Federline is going to be a daddy…again. The ex-Mr. Spears has reportedly knocked up his former girlfriend and the mother of his other two kids, Shar Jackson. And the best part is, he might not even know it yet.

Cindy Adams reports in The New York Post:

Kevin Federline may have morning sickness, which could last for nine months when he reads this - but this is to tell him his on-again-off-again-and-for-sure-lately very on-again romance with Shar Jackson seems to have produced yet another baby between them. She’s into her seventh week, and at the instant I write this he doesn’t know. Star magazine is saying she’s hoping this brings them back together as a family.

You’d think by now someone would have neutered the overly fertile K-Fed. Seriously, where’s Bob Barker when you need him?

Britney Spears may like her new man, musician Howie Day, but her ex-boy toy Kevin Federline isn’t a fan. K-Fed is reportedly bad mouthing Brit’s BF.

A source tells MSNBC:

“When Kevin heard they had a sleepover at her house, everyone wanted to know about it. He lit up a cigarette and said he guessed you have to head to the dump to find trash, referring to how Britney and Howie met while in rehab.”

I don’t mind the trash talking (pun totally intended). I have said and will say much worse about the skank my ex has hooked up with. (Bleached blonde twit). But, I don’t think K-Fed should be throwing the white trash reference around too lightly. Talk about the pot calling the kettle a trailer park reject.

Oh, and here are pics of Brit levaing one of her comeback mini-shows. Why is she still wearing her microphone in the car? Is that what’s keeping the wig on?

I think all of my gossip monger prayers are about to be answered. At least one tabloid is saying that Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Federline are dating. Oh please let this be true. I will never run out of things to write about. I hereby christen this hypothetical dysfunctional celebrity couple K-Lo.

From The National Enquirer:

Sources tell the National Enquirer, “Kevin and Lindsay are dating, and Lindsay made the first move. Kevin met Lindsay through Britney, and they were always flirtatious with each other.”

This is so perfect (for me) that I have already lit candles, cleansed my crystals, been to Mass, Temple and a seance to pray for this to happen. Given K-Fed’s habit of knocking chicks up and driving them insane, I predict Lilo will have a baby and a bald head within a year. Can I get an Amen?

Details of the Brtieny Spears-Kevin Federline divorce settlement are getting juicy. Star magazine reports that Britney told K-Fed “You’re the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, but thank you for my babies.” And Brit is reportedly paying that mistake over $13 million.

Other details of the settlement include:

*$500,000 for every year of their marriage (Brit reportedly upped that figure from the $250,000 stated in their pre-nup to speed up the negotiations).

*Half the proceeds from the sale of their Malibu manion currently listed for $13.5 million.

*$25,000 a month his child support for each (EACH) child plus he gets custody of the kidlets 4 days a week.

*K-Fed keeps all the gifts she bought during the marriage, but he is forbidden from writing a tell-all book.

Damn people, I hope K-Fed has a big enough wheelbarrow to carry away all that cash. Not bad for 3 years out of your life. And why would he want to write a book after that kind of settlement? He’s going to sit in a recliner stuffed with cash while his little reitrement accounts play with their solid gold Elmo dolls.

Oh, and by the way, If I had a vote I’d say Britney’s biggest mistake was choosing her divorce lawyer.

Looks like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a divorce settlement. The slightly nutty Britney and newly reformed K-Fed are very close to being swinging singles again.

From TMZ:

Sources say that under the terms, K-Fed will walk away with around $1 million. As for their two kids, we’re told Britney and Kevin will have joint custody, sharing physical custody 50/50. The divorce will be final, with a judge’s signature, very soon.

In the past, when Laura Wasser, Britney’s lawyer, has settled a high-profile divorce, the parties file a “skeletal judgment,” which mean the specific terms will be omitted from the public documents.

Wow, the girl flips out, shaves her head, goes into rehab three times and K-Fed still can’t get out of the pre-nup? Brit’s lawyer should get a big, fat bonus. And shouldn’t the divorce papers really read that its really K-Fed’s nanny and Brit’s nanny will be sharing custody of the kids?

Britney Spears may have been released from rehab, but that doesn’t mean everything is okey-dokey yet. Brit’s suddenly mature ex-mooch Kevin Federline isn’t quite ready to give the kidlets back to their mama just yet.

From USmagazine.com:

At the moment, Britney has custodial visitation for both young boys, but the possibility of her gaining more custody rights is contingent upon her behavior, post-rehab.

“They are not going to return custody to Britney as a reward for doing her stint in rehab. Kevin’s had the children for six weeks and he will continue to have full custody.”

What’s better than a carrot on a stick? Dangling someone’s kids in front of them to ensure good behavior. Maybe someone should add Britney’s recording contract to the mix…and a bag of Cheetos…and a Red Bull…just to make sure they’ve covered everything that’s really important to her.

Guess who’s playing house with Kevin Federline while Britney is in rehab? K-Fed’s ex-girlfriend and baby mama Shar Jackson may be helping take care of the kidlets at Kevin’s place. All I can say is don’t tell Britney.

From The National Enquirer:

The Enquirer has learned that while Britney is in Promises, her hubby Kevin Federline’s ex-lover, actress Shar Jackson, has been helping take care of their boys!

“Shar has been at Kevin’s house helping him with the boys… Britney is terrified Kevin will get back with Shar. If Britney finds out what’s going on, she’ll go ballistic. There’s no doubt she’ll bolt from Promises and go running to get the kids.”

Is it just me or is that starting to sound like a Lifetime movie of the week? Mom goes nuts and lands in rehab and the ex-girlfriend moves in and takes over her life. K-Fed must have alot of faith in the security at Promises, because you know if Britney finds out that Shar is telling Sean and Jayden to call her Mommy, Brit is going to do a whole lot more than beat up a car with an umbrella.

Britney’s breakdown may do more for Kevin Federline’s career than their marriage ever did. In the wake of Britney’s week of self-destruction, K-Fed has suddenly gone from gold-digging pariah to sympathetic daddy. Talk about a reversal of fortune.

TMZ has his latest good deed:

Even after Brit’s umbrella-wielding breakdown outside his house, FedEx visited the fallen pop princess in rehab, reports People magazine. “Britney scared everyone pretty bad,” says a source. “Kevin just wants her to be OK.”

And all it took for K-Fed to redeem himself in the public eye was for Britney to shave her head, check into rehab (three times) and go demolition derby with an umbrella. Now if he can avoid the impulse to make another rap album or impregnate another woman, he should still be in the running for the “maybe he’s not such a loser” award.

Third time’s a charm. Britney Spears is back in rehab…again. TMZ is reporting that a lawyer for Kevin Fedelrine has announced that Britney has checked back into the Promises treatment facility. Coincidentally the emergency custody hearing that K-Fed requested for today has been cancelled. K-Fed’s lawyer added that this is Britney’s last chance and that if she doesn’t remain in rehab for at least 30 days, Kevin will immediately go to court and seek full custody of the kids.

K-Fed has reportedly had the orphans…sorry kidlets…since Thursday and refused to let Britney see them when she showed up at his house last night.

So K-Fed is doing something right, Britney is in rehab and the kids are actually with one of their parents. I’m so confused. I don’t understand how all this good decision making happened. It makes my head hurt. I can’t wait until tomorrow when Britney breaks out of rehab again and the world rights itself.

Kevin Federline is the used condom in the trash can of life. The man is such a twit. Britney’s worst mistake ever, has reportedly turned down a $25 million divorce settlment.

From MSNBC:

Kevin Federline turned down a $25 million divorce settlement from the “Oops, I Did It Again” singer, according to Star.

“Kevin says that Britney offered him $10 million to walk away from their marriage and to relinquish custody of their kids, but he just laughed. Then she came back with $20 million which he turned down too,” a source told the tab “Now he says she’s offering a whopping $25 million, and that’s her final offer. He told her to take a hike! He loves his two little boys, and there’s no way he’s going to disappear from their lives.”

Yeah, nothing says love like using your children as leverage in a nasty divorce. If I had $50 million I’d give it to K-Fed just to make him go away. Ok, I wouldn’t, but I would dangle it in front of him and make him dance like German beer hall girl.

Kevin Federline finally found a job. But even when he actually works for his money, he still manages to make an ass out of himself.

K-Fed has landed a Superbowl commercial for Nationwide Insurance and their “life comes at you fast” campaign. In the spot, K-Fed daydreams about being a famous rapper, only to suddenly wake up flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant. Well, apparently using fast food workers as a punchline wasn’t the best idea.

From E! News Online:

In a letter to Nationwide, Steven C. Anderson, president and chief executive officer of the Washington, D.C.-based National Restaurant Association, charged that the ad “give[s] the impression that working in a restaurant is a demeaning and unpleasant,” and stands as a “direct insult to the 12.8 million Americans who work in the restaurant industry.”

See, I didn’t get the joke right away. I didn’t know this was a commercial. I thought it was a documentary showing where K-Fed really works right now. I’m so easily confused.

According to rumors, Kevin Federline is not above using his children as bargaining tools in his increasingly messy divorce from Britney Spears. Sources close to the wannabe rapper and his ex-sugarmama report that K-Fed turned down a reported $10 million settlement offer. The overly fertile dancer turned golddigger is holding out for closer to $50 million.

Britney and K-Fed are currently sharing custody of their two boys, but sources say Kevin has promised not to fight for full custody is Brit coughs up the cash.

So since K-Fed can’t sell his album, he’s trying to sell his kids. Now that’s class. Schmuck.

I don’t know what Kevin Federline misses more since his split from Britney…the money or the publicity. But it looks like he was trying to recapture both last month when he tried a long distance pick up on Lindsay Lohan.

From US Weekly:

Kevin Federline doesn’t waste time. On December 22, less than a month after ex Britney Spears partied with Lindsay Lohan, the aspiring rapper, 28, texted the actress, 20, suggesting, “We should hang out.”

Says the source, “She couldn’t believe he was so pathetic. She doesn’t want him using her to make Britney jealous.”

Sorry LiLo, K-Fed wasn’t trying to make Britney jealous. He’s broke and he needs to eat.

There’s rock bottom, then there’s a landfill under rock bottom, then about 6 feet of crap buried beneath that and sitting in the ooze under the crap is where you’ll find Kevin Federline.

The jobless, sugarmama-less, talentless wannabe rapper has pimped his homely self out to the WWE. Even K-Fed has to know that the only reason people want to watch him wrestle is to watch him get his ass kicked.

Of course in a move guaranteed to prove that pro-wrestling is much more “entertainment” than actual sport, K-Fed beat WWE star John Cena. Now I have no idea who this guy is, but I’ve seen his picture and there is no way Fed-Ex could ever take this guy in a real fight. Unless he started rapping and Cena slit his wrists to end the torment. I think that counts as a win.

Just in case the world needed further proof that Kevin Federline is a tool of the highest magnitude, the role model for loser, gold digging husbands everywhere may be writing a book.

A source says:

“Kevin is either hoping a publisher will pay him big money for the book or that Britney will cough up more cash than what’s in their prenup [an estimated $360,000 in spousal support plus $7 million from the sale of their Malibu, Calif., home] to keep him from spilling the beans.”

“Kevin says he filmed it just a week before Brit filed for divorce,” a source told the Star. “He told me, ‘I want the world to see that Britney is an unfit parent and that she’s not in her right mind.’”

Well, if Fed-Ex’s bathroom stall poem is any indication of his mad writing skills, I’m guessing this book is actually going to be written by a professional ghostwriter living in Wisconsin who has probably never heard of Kevin Federline.

Not that I doubt that K-Fed can write a whole book…I doubt that he can even read a whole book.