Mariah Carey

On Tuesday, Mariah Carey launched her new perboobs at Macy’s. Oops.

Let’s try again.

Mariah Carey’s new fragrance, “M by Mariah Carey” made its deboob yesterday in New York.

Oh.

Lord.

There’s absolutely no avoiding the abundance of Freudian slips. I mean, come on, just look at them! Not like you weren’t already. Okay, Mariah, we get it: you’ve got nice ones. Now, please stop making all the drag queens crazy with envy and put them away.

Oh, the Mariah Carey stories just keep getting better and better. You thought the designated breast tape girl and the entourage of hairbrush holders was bad. Here’s one more glimpse into the diva-licious world that is Mariah Carey.

From The New York Daily News:

Mariah Carey, drinking deeply at VH1’s Music Cares event, invaded the ladies’ room with two burly bodyguards. Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: “One of the bodyguards said to us, ‘If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.’”

Now that’s just classic. Big, bad, roid rage guy says with a straight face (and a hand on his gun no doubt) “don’t watch Mariah pee.” Cause apparently he thinks that Ms. Mariah is so famous that everybody wants to watch her do the squat and hover.

So I told you that Mariah Carey looked great at the Save the Music event in her clingy purple dress. And she did. But let me tell you a secret…Mariah had help. Lots and lots of help.

From TMZ:

Gatecrasher reports that Carey required nine staffers to perform “a ballet of maintenance” on Mariah all night, including one whose only job it was to “dispense breast tape” and yet another who was wearing a belt with brushes and hair spray. And then there was the one who brought portable hot rollers, just in case.

Nine assistants. That’s the entire Brady Bunch…or a baseball team…all hovering around one diva who needs a new record.

And how exactly do you list “bitch in charge of breast tape” on your resume? Executive in charge of control and containment of large objects? Professional boulder wrangler?

Wow, check out Mariah Carey looking all Barbie in this skin tight puple dress. I didn’t know they made helium filled breast implants. Don’t get me wrong she looks great, but I’m surprised she didn’t have to buy an extra seat for all that boobage.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Check out Mariah Carey hosting the grand unveiling of the new Jury Duty stamp. From selling out arenas and making really bad movies to posing in front of a giant stamp. And not even a cool stamp…its a jury duty stamp.

Who told Mariah that this was a good career move? Or was Mariah just so desperate to flash her clevage and curves that she didn’t care that she was going to a Z-list event?

Well its summer so pretty much everyone with a celebrity secret decoder ring is going to be in a bikini. So here’s Mariah Carey showing off her bikini bod. And I don’t have much to complain about because Mariah actually looks pretty good.

But then again, she should look decent since she was obviously treating this like a photo shoot. Or did she just happen to be relaxing on a yacht in a bikini with a chunky necklace and hitting every basic pose they teach at those junior high school modeling schools? Wow, talk about coincidence.

Mariah Carey must not be the Wicked Witch of the West because the girl with the big pipes and rumored diva attitude, turned out to be quite the professional at a recent performance at Disneyland, Paris. Mariah was singing to support the Elton John Foundation when the rain came down. You can see Mariah doing her thing with an umbrella, but eventually she ditched the cover and did the show in the rain. I have to say that’s more than I would expect from a true diva, so good on ya, Mariah.

If you believe the rumors (and what’s not to believe?), Mariah Carey may be planning to adopt a Mexican orphan. Run, orphan, run.

From MSNBC:

Mariah Carey allegedly visited a Mexican orphanage with her lawyer recently and is possibly interested in adopting one of the children.

Does anyone else think that foreign orphanages are turning into really high priced celebrity pet shops? Celebrities go for a weekend on the beach, they spot the cutest little orphan playing with a ball in a shop window and they just have to have it.

Ok, don’t get mad, I know wide eyed little tykes aren’t puppies (though I’ve heard that both babies and puppies will chew on your shoes and pee on the rug if given the chance), but come on. The way celebs are shopping for kids lately, can you blame me?

Apparently Mariah Carey needs a little help with the definition of “economy.” The high maintenance diva was recently asked to fly in economy class to save money on her new film Tennessee. Mariah, being so willing to help out, agreed. Then she bought out every seat in economy and flew in an empty cabin.

Now the big issue here isn’t so much the fact that Mariah desperately needs a calculator, but the fact that someone actually cast Mariah in another movie. I’ve only got one thing to say to that goofball…Glitter.

Mariah Carey may have finally lost all touch with reality. Not only are her sleeping habits taking her way too close to a Howard Hughes kind of crazy, but her whole self-image is a little off kilter.

Mariah tells V Magazine:

“Literally I’ll have twenty humidifiers around the bed. Basically it’s like sleeping in a steam room. The bed is all terry-cloth, the ceiling is pitched so the water can’t fall on my head, and it drips down to my side, and the TV is behind glass.”

“I think that a lot of women are just trying to live up to the stereotypes and to the standard that’s set on TV and in magazines, which is airbrushed women who weigh 3 pounds. And it’s not fair. It’s not easy. But everybody gets really protective of me. They’re, like, ‘Be less sexy.’” She said that if she overdoes the sexy look “it’s not intentional - if you film my body a certain way, it’s gonna look like a certain way. But honestly, I’ve been the same way since I was a little kid. Like, I’m just emulating whatever’s on a magazine.”

Yeah, the only magazines Mariah’s clothes usually emulate are the ones behind the counter at 7-11. But it’s not her fault. For most people the camera adds ten pounds. In Mariah’s case the cameras must take away about ten pounds of clothing.

What is Mariah Carey wearing? She looks like a cross between a silver plated Druid and an eskimo prostitue.

She’s got an afgan sweater thing tossed over head and sprayed on tights, but forgets her bra. Then she put on high heeled snow boots. Apparently because when tromping through the snow, high heels give you more traction. Then she tops it off with bug eyed sunglasses…at night.

Oh yeah, baby, let me snuggle up in front of the fire with that.

Mariah Carey doesn’t want you to think she’s a porn star. She just dresses like one. Seriously, Mary Carey is wearing more in these pics than Mariah wears in a blizzard.

Mariah Carey is trying to block porn star-turned-politician Mary Carey from trademarking her similar-sounding stage name, saying that fans could get the two performers confused.

Mariah should be careful here. People confusing her with a porn star is probably the only way anyone would voluntarily watch that worst of all movies Glitter.

Mariah Carey recently received the Make-A-Wish Foundation Wish Icon award for her work with the childrens charity. That’s the good news. The bad news, she obviously stole a dress from one of those sick kids. If she bends over she’ll make some grown up wishes come true too. Girl, shop in your own size!

Mariah gets emancipated from her Hong Kong concert.

Just two days before Mariah Carey was due to perform a one off gig in the Chinese city, concert promoters have called off the event, citing low ticket sales and unreasonable demands from Mariah as their reasons for the abrupt cancellation. Concerts Asia was responsible for booking and cutting her gig. They have decided to cancel the event effective immediately due to both the poor response of public ticket sales and also due to specific last minute demands which they found unreasonable and not with the best interests of Hong Kong and the fans.

Concerts Asia reports that only 4,000 tickets were sold for the Saturday gig despite the presumed international popularity of Carey and “a substantial advertising campaign.” The outdoor Tamar Site venue has the capacity to hold up to 13,000 concert goers. With legions of fans in Hong Kong and South East Asia, Mariah has always appreciated the love and dedication they have shown over the years. She deeply regrets the disappointment caused to them due to unforeseen circumstances beyond her control.

There
is a point in your life where you need to realize that you don’t look that good as you did 10 years ago. It’s not because there is something wrong with you, it’s just that you are not that young anymore. Heck, it happens to everybody. It happened to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I am not 25 anymore, so now I don’t wear those tiny skirts and those g-string bikinis that conquered my husband in the first place… So, I wonder why people like Mariah Carey can’t understand this fact of life.

I know she is trying, and even hiring ugly chorus girls so that in comparison she looks acceptable, but please… please… put some clothes on, honey! We don’t want to see your ex-hot body anymore. Thank you!