Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton donned a brunette wig in an attempt to avoid the paparazzi last night while on her way to Britney Spears’ birthday party. She brought her latest accessory, hottie ex-pizza boy, Alex Vaggo. Maybe it would work better if Alex wore a disguise too — maybe a fake mustache? — because her attempts at anonymity were obviously not entirely successful.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie got together for lunch upon Paris’s return from China in Beverly Hills. After lunch, they headed to an office building in Los Angeles for a meeting. Isn’t it funny how after all of these really terrible photos of Britney and Lindsay, Nicole and Paris actually look like ladies? Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Paris Hilton visited Shanghai for MTV’s Style Awards this past week, where she posed a lot with stuffed animals, in tight dresses, and while walking through the city. According to the Associated Press:

“Shanghai looks like the future!” Hilton said in a news conference at the Hyatt on the waterfront, one of the newest landmarks in a city teeming with new skyscrapers.

It’s funny, because while Shanghai looks like the future, news about Hilton is beginning to look like the past…

Paris Hilton made an appearance in South Korea last weekend, where she wore…something. Whatever. All you can really tell is that she wore red lipstick and it got all over her teeth. I wonder if the Koreans thought that Hilton had missed Halloween and come as a vampire for the party. Well, even if they didn’t, I did. Hot.

Paris Hilton tried to sue Hallmark for using a cartoon likeness of her, in which she was being served a steaming plate of turkey and the dialogue bubble said, “That’s hot.” For one thing, I thought that after being imprisoned Paris had made a vow to be more down-to-earth and stuff. Suing over a greeting card does not exactly exhibit great restraint. Secondly, I doubt Hilton would recognize herself in a mirror without makeup on, much less in a cartoon version of herself. This is obviously the doings of her lawyers, because there’s no way she could even attempt to translate the lawyernese that Hallmark’s defense produced:

“Hilton has become a household name, based in large part on her efforts to draw attention to herself. Having done so, she has subjected herself to public scrutiny and the parodist’s pen. The First Amendment does not allow her to respond by welcoming the fawning and flattering, but silencing the critical and comical.”

In other words: Paris Hilton, stop taking yourself so freaking seriously. Everyone’s actually laughing at you all the time anyway, even if they appear to be kissing your ass.

As far as Paris Hilton is concerned any party she attends is a party in her honor. Just as her sister Nicky.

From TMZ:

TMZ cameras caught up with a sparkly Paris Hilton as she helped celebrate her sister Nicky’s twenty-fourth birthday at Vegas Nightclub LAX on Friday night. When does this girl sleep?!

All eyes were supposed to be on Nicky, but Paris — still surprisingly extension-free — stood in the spotlight to give her lil’ sis a birthday shout-out. Then, for the rest of the night, Paris danced wildly on a couch — grabbing all the attention.

Is there some sort of rehab for attention whore-ism? Or do we just have to wait until Paris is old to give lap dances and has had so much plastic surgery that she can’t open her pie hole to steal the microphone anymore?

Lock up your refugees, Paris Hilton is feeling humanitarian. The princess of self promotion is planning to visit the war torn African country of Rwanda in November.

Here’s what Paris told E! Online:

On why she’s going:

“There’s so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.”

On her plans to do more humanitarian work:

“I want to visit more countries where poverty and children’s issues are a big concern. I know there’s a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues.”

So basically, she doesn’t want to actually do anything except show up and smile to “bring attention” to the starving people standing around behind her hoping that Paris brought some bottled water and protein bars along with all of the cameras and clothes.

Photo courtesy of Flynet

Paris Hilton has a new accessory. The aimless heiress has recently been sporting a tall, blonde guy on her arm. Paris’ latest boy toy is reportedly a Swedish tourist named Alexander von Zweigbergk Väggö.

Here’s what he told The Sun about meeting Paris:

“I had a totally different picture of her before that. I was impressed she was so focused. I love to be in her company.”

Yeah, this won’t last. There’s just no way Paris will be able to deal with having a boyfriend who’s prettier than she is.

I always knew Paris Hilton was a buzz kill. Now I have proof. The German organizers of Ocktoberfest, otherwise known as the mother of all drinking parties, have banned Paris Hilton from showing up to their orgy of alcohol.

From E! Online:

Munich locals complained that their annual bender was “selling out” by having celebs shill during the big swill. But probably the key reason for banning Paris was that last year she was pimping her own brand of canned wine. For Bavarian beer snobs, canned beer is blasphemy, canned wine an abomination.

Love it! Paris Hilton is officially so irritating that she can ruin a kegger filled with guys in German folk costumes.

Update: Ok, so I can’t spell goofy German words. Apparently there’s no C in Oktoberfest. Thanks to helpful commenter Reggie. See, I read them!

Who knows if Paris Hilton will actually build that half way house she promised when she was still smelling like prison food, but that doesn’t mean that Paris isn’t doing all she can to help those less fortunate.

From SF Gate:

“I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I’m going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children’s hospitals. I never wear something twice.”

Cause every mom wants her 5 year old to dress like Paris Hilton. And let me just add that Paris also has, like, a million dollars in her couch cushions. Don’t you think the kiddies might like the food and medicine the cash can buy a little more than last season’s hip high stillettos boots.

Damn, how old is Paris Hilton? The queen of self-promotion showed up at the VMA’s last night looking like this. See this is why you should always be nice to your hairstylists. Yikes.

I just can’t get over this look. It’s like getting a glimpse into Paris’ future. When she’s a rich society matron in an unhappy but socially acceptable marriage and she spends her empty days having affairs with the help until one day she finally snaps and ends up in Betty Ford. Seriously, tell me she doesn’t look like a cougar on the prowl for young pool boy to devour.

Guess what, Christina Aguilera is pregnant. Ok, cool bit of news, but now you’re probably wondering why I’m writing it in a Paris Hilton post? Well I’ll tell you why…because Paris Hilton can’t keep a secret that’s why. The still free heiress was out partying it up in Vegas when she grabbed a mic and totally blew Xtina’s ultra-quiet pregnancy.

From TMZ:

TMZ cameras caught Paris Hilton, looking flapperific in a hot pink number at LAX Nightclub in the Luxor Hotel last night. Everything was going smoothly until she jumped the mic and blurted. “I want everyone to say congratulations to the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world, Christina Aguilera. You’re gorgeous!”

See, that’s why the President doesn’t give Paris Hilton the number to his big red phone in the oval office.

Looks like Paris Hilton is feeling left out of the Hollywood baby trend. And since Paris just can’t stand not having the latest fad accessory, the aimless heiress is planning to spawn.

Paris told E! Online:

“I wanna have like a family and a guy. Y’know, it just upsets me because I’m not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they’ve made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I’m such a good person and I’m treated like that by some people, I just don’t get it.”

On the potential baby daddy:
“I used to care about looks, but I’ve grown out of that stage. They have to be a good person, someone I know would be a good husband, loyal and funny and smart. And somebody I can trust, with good chemistry. But I don’t know, I like a guy who can make me laugh.”

What a load of poopie diapers. Paris sees how much attention her pregnant buds are getting and she just wants a piece of the action. As soon as she realizes that she can’t stick a baby in her purse and waltz down the red carpet she’ll try to figure out how to return the little bundle of responsibility.

Ok, so Paris Hilton was at this party and she DIDN’T have sex with a semi-famous hockey player. Wait, didn’t have sex? I’m confused.

From The New York Daily News:

The N.Y. Ranger, who just split from fiancée Elisha Cuthbert, tried his luck with Hilton at Amy Sacco’s LG House party in Malibu. “He hit on her three times, but every time, Paris would give him disgusted looks and move away from his creepy shoulder-brushing and close-talking ways,” said our snitch. The rebuffed Avery hit on other blonds. “You could tell he just wanted to hook up,” said the spy.

I’d say Paris was showing some sort of actual friendship to Elisha Cuthbert by denying her ex the sex. But that would mean that Paris is capable of thinking about someone other than herself, and I don’t think that’s been scientifically proven yet.

Of course, if she was a true friend she would have banged the guy and given him herpes. That’s what a real BFF would have done.

Wow, now there’s a fun couple. Check out Kid Rock (and his ass) hanging with a newly shorn Paris Hilton at the Polaroid Beach House. How many comunicable diseases do you think are swimming that hot tub right about now? Yikes!

I’ll bet instead of a hired hand passing out towels at the pool they’ve got a nurse handing out antibiotics.

I know I should make some snarky comment about Kid’s ass hanging out, but really what can you say when you come face to face with that? Remember, kids, crack is whack.

Oh and if anyone cares, I think I like Paris’ new do.

Uh-oh, are two of Tinseltown’s most terrible tarts planning a reunion nightclub tour? Rumor has it that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were spotted leaving the same hotspot only minutes apart.

From TMZ:

Brit Brit, looking hottish (for her) and a covered up Hilton were spotted leaving Opera last night, within 10 minutes of each other.

TMZ caught both gals leaving the hotspot: Britney took off around 1:50 AM as she held hands with an unidentified new guy, who was on purse duty for the popwreck. Also accompanying them was a Brit-alike, wearing an identical outfit — down to matching booty shorts and fedora. Brit also left a man at the club stiffed — by not tipping the valet on her way out!

Someone bust Lindsay Lohan out of rehab and we’ll have the whole dysfunctional gang back together again. Holy water will boil, crucifixes will spin around and darkness will descend all over Hollywood.

So while Nicole Richie spent 82 minutes in jail for her wrong way on the highway misadventure, her fellow ex-con Paris Hilton spent time shopping for baby gifts for the incarcerated mommy. Isn’t that sweet?

From People:

Hilton was an equal-opportunity shopper, choosing gifts in both pink and blue. Among the items she bought was a Tuni & G Baby set (pants and T-shirt) with the text “Don’t Ya Wish Your Mommy Was Hot Like Mine” with the pants bottom saying “Don’t Ya.” She also bought Baby’s First Fashion Words book, a Baby Jar Baby Snuggler Blanket and Trumpette socks. ‘She can’t wait to hang out with the baby,’ says the source about Hilton. ‘She’s happy Nicole is healthy and thinks she looks great.’

“Hang out with the baby”? Who talks like that? Does Paris understand that hanging out with a baby involves changing diapers and dodging spit up? There’s no booster seat in the VIP section of Hyde and no sippy cups filled with mojitos.