Tori Spelling

Well this is as wrong as wrong gets. Check out Tori Spelling dressed up as a Pussycat Doll. I know, it’s more frightening than sexy. It helps is you just look at her from the neck down.

Hey, good for her for losing the baby weight and getting all skinny and stuff, but what happened to her face? It looks like Tori has been swiping her mom’s plastic surgery coupons. Was Donna Martin always this ugly? Is that why she got stuck with the nerd and never got to hook up with the hot guys on that show?

If you’re a gay couple looking for someone to unite you in 90210 matrimony, then the Rev. Tori Spelling is your online ordained woman. Yes folks, Tori Spelling is a minister. If I were you I would go find a place to hide because the fire and brimstone can’t be far behind.

From MSNBC:

I did it last week online and my official certificate is in the mail. I’m so proud,” the 34-year-old actress said in a posting Monday on the MySpace.com site she shares with her husband, Dean McDermott.

“I was so honored when the couple asked me to officiate. We did it on the front steps of the Chateau as 40 of their friends looked on seated in a loungelike atmosphere,” Spelling wrote.

Not that I’m suggesting this heartfelt ordination was a publicity stunt to promote her “why is this still on the air” reality show…oh wait, no that’s exactly what I’m suggesting.

Tori Spelling has given birth to a bouncing baby bank account…sorry, I mean a bouncing baby boy. Tori and hubby Dean McDermott welcomed little Liam Aaron McDermott in a Los Angeles hospital on Tuesday.

From People.com

Spelling’s mother Candy Spelling was at the hospital. The baby arrived just as the new mother is reconciling with her own mom after a long estrangement.

“Words can’t describe the joy and elation I feel at this truly happy event,” Candy tells PEOPLE exclusively. “I am looking forward to doting on my new little grandson and all the memorable fun that comes with it.”

So Tori has a new baby to use to squeeze her way back into the family trust fund. And Mama Candy is looking forward to the “fun” of holding the purse strings over her newly repentant daughter. Sounds like some good old fashioned family bonding to me. Welcome to the world of Hollywood, Liam.

Tori Spelling and hubby Dean McDermott are trying to sell a reality tv show to support their baking bun. “Tori & Dean: Inn Love” would chronicle the newly un-rich couple as they run a bed & breakfast.

There are so many things wrong with this story that I don’t even know where to start. Tori on television again…wrong. Tori cooking and cleaning up after tourists…wrong. Watching Tori breastfeed her bundle of joy while trying to resurrect an acting career that was totally dependant on her Daddy’s influence…wrong, wrong, wrong. Let’s just skip to the end where Tori finally shows up at her mom’s house and throws herself on the mercy of Mama’s bank account.

Here’s Tori’s pitch for the show:

“We think of it as ‘Newlyweds’ at the next level. We are still newlyweds, but we have a baby on the way and our careers and a new business, so it’s kind of like ‘Newlyweds, Part Deux.’”

So instead of Newlyweds, it would be like Newhart…if Newhart sucked.

While rich and famous celebrity moms are shopping at Petit Tresor and buying Gucci spit up rags, newly poor Tori Spelling is shopping where the rest of us shop when we’re knocked up…Babies R Us.

Does the Tori story get any sadder? What’s next, buying (gulp) discount diapers at Target? She might not even be able to afford a quirky celebrity baby name. Oh I guess that’s free, but it won’t play well for the little tyke at public school.

Come on Mama Spelling. Give the girl a break and a share of her daddy’s millions. Would Aaron Spelling really want his grandchild wearing cotton/poly blend onesies?

Tori Spelling is already married, but her romantic (or confused) hubby popped the question again on Christmas.

Something about Christmas puts Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling in the mood for matrimony. McDermott first proposed on Christmas Eve in 2005 (he and Spelling wed in Fiji in May) and this Dec. 25, he popped the question again.

Just out of curiosity, if your husband asks for your hand in marriage, are you even allowed to say no?

I’m guessing that Tori had to hock her engagement ring and Dean proposed again to make the Cracker Jack prize ring he gave her to replace it seem less pathetic.

Seriously, Tori, time to make up with Mama, you don’t do poverty well.

Tori Spelling is having a yard sale. There is just no way to make that sounds classy, chic or even remotely cool. She tried to dress it up. But when you sell your junk to strangers…its a yard sale.

Tori invites you into her house to shop her dazzling valley home, jewelry & closets contents sale. This represents much of her last 15 years of buying & collecting. Included are antique & vintage items from the 19th, 20th, & 21st centuries! French, Italian, Continental, American white wicker, shabby chic, and traditional furniture, crystal chandeliers & sconces, pictures & paintings, lamps, vanity, Tori’s personal jewelry, bric-a-brac, memorabilia, garden & patio, designer & casual clothes, shoes, accessories, photos, etc.

Translation, she’s broke and she’s selling her stuff to pay the bills. I can only imagine how thrilled her richy rich neighbors must be at the thought of rabid 90210 fans invading the neighborhood to scoop up a piece of Tori.

Tori, you’re about a week away from living in a box…or crashing on Shannon Doherty’s couch (and by the way, take the box). It might be time to swallow your pride and make up with Mommy.

This couple deserves a reality TV show just for what they did with the pregnancy test stick.

Now that Tori Spelling is pregnant with her first baby, she’s decided wishing for nine children may have been a little nut’s. After her first trimester of morning, noon and night sickness she had decided that just one child will do. However, now feeling more physically stable in her second trimester, she says, “I definitely want more.”

Tori says when she found out she was pregnant, from a home pregnancy kit, she called out to Dean, “Congratulations Daddy.” Dean says, “We still have the pregnancy stick. I’m going to make a necklace out of it.” That is just plain creepy or maybe even twisted.

Tori and Dean hope their real publicity generator/baby’s college fund is in a reality TV series they’re pitching. An unconfirmed report in says that Tori and Dean will buy a bed and breakfast with the inheritance money and the show will document their struggles to start up the business. It sounds like Newlyweds meets a huge field of manure.

No matter how much Tori Spelling may deny that she is pregnant, that tummy doesn’t lie. And Kathy Griffin has lifted the lid on the big secret anyway, saying:

"Tori Spelling’s pregnant, by the way. It’s not public yet, but I’m putting it out there."

What’s the big deal anyway? It’s not like it’s the immaculate conception? She’s married, she banged her husband, she got pregnant.

I knew that something good had to come Tori’s way after she got shafted by her mom and lost her inheritance. According to Page Six, the ugly ex-millionaire has gotten the gift of the century: free porn for life! With such fortune in her horizon, she doesn’t need her share of daddy’s $500 million! At least, she now has a heck of a good way to forget about it!

Page Six reports:
Tori Spelling admits she and her husband watch hardcore porn - but she doesn’t want you to know which titles. When the blond star told Giant magazine she and Dean McDermott use SugarDVD.com. to rent adult movies, the company’s CEO, Jax Smith, called Page Six to say how proud he was of the celebrity endorsement and promised us a list of what she’s watched. But when he called Tori’s reps for the OK, "they weren’t pleased - they told me not to." Still, Smith has no hard feelings: "We’re going to give her free porn for life."

US magazine reports today:

"Despite reports that Tori Spelling would inherit millions from her father’s $500 million estate, Us has learned exclusively that the actress, 33, will get just 0.16 % of the Spelling fortune. Tori’s share – a cash inheritance payment of $200,000, combined with approximately $600,000 in private investments her dad set up for her – is a brush-off Aaron Spelling would never have intended for his only daughter, says a family source.

“I believe Candy had a lot to do with what was left for Tori,” the source says of Tori’s mother, who is sole managing executor of the estate. (Candy’s rep had no comment.)"

That’s why I’ve always said that in cases like hers, you need to listen to your mom and do what she says. Not only because mommy knows best, but because mommy is loaded! Let’s see how her life is now that she’ll have to get a job and learn to use grocery coupons.