Victoria Beckham

Victoria Beckham performed at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, with the rest of the spice rack as her backup. This was the first live performance of the newly reunited Spice Girls — although I suppose that they’re banking on Victoria’s “popularity” now (if popularity means being vaguely associated with crazy Tom Cruise and his poor brainwashed beard, Katie Holmes). I’m pretty sure that Victoria’s Secret only asked her to perform because her name happens to be Victoria. It’s pretty hard to find people with that name nowadays. I mean, I honestly can’t think of any other reason that they would choose a has-been pop star who can’t sing to pose and frown at people who really only want to see whether or not Heidi Klum actually has nipples.

So just in case you missed a Star Trek re-run or if you happen to have a hankering for Flash Gordon, here are more pics of Victoria Bekcham in Paris doing a photo shoot for some fashion mag that I can only imagine is really popular among the robot fetish crowd or intergalatic space travelers.

I’d say that what looks like a satirical take on Posh’s robot image is clever and whimsical, but I think its more likely that Posh just took a wrong turn in her closet and wandered down the costume aisle.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…I actually don’t what the hell it is. Check out Victoria Beckham at the Louvre in Paris apparently trying to smuggle in a small aircraft carrier in her jacket.

Or maybe Posh was running late and she dashed out of her mansion so fast that she forgot to take the hanger out of her jacket before she tossed it on. That makes sense because she obviously forgot her bra (not that those silicone filled rocks needs any additional support) and the rest of her skirt as well. See what happens when mannequins try to dress themselves.

So here’s Victoria Beckham at LAX looking like she’s trying to bring back Michael Jackson’s wannabe soldier look. Except Posh looks more like the General of an army of Nazi robots.

Anyway, fashion mocking aside, Posh is apparently disappointed that her career isn’t taking off that way she had hoped.

From The Daily Mail:

“Katie Holmes had been helping her with scripts and perfecting her acting but even that has not helped the situation. Victoria had hoped to be picking and choosing presenting roles too. She had wanted perhaps to guest host on Larry King - in the way that Heather Mills did. But that has not worked out either. She had been hoping that the documentary about the Beckhams moving to America would be made into a series, but it was cut right back too. Victoria had also set her sights on getting the cover of American Vogue but that too has proved elusive. Basically she pinned her hopes on offers of work coming flooding in but that just has not happened.”

Hmmm…coached on boosting her career by Katie Holmes. Gee, what could have gone wrong there? I mean Katie is an expert at…well…she knows how to…uh…hey, look at Posh’s silly hat!

Oh I smell a Posh Spice smackdown coming. Guess who has followed British soccer star David Beckham and his robo-wife Victoria to LA…the nanny. And I don’t mean the nanny who watches the little Beck-lets. I mean THE Nanny…the one who reportedly spent more time playing with Daddy Beckham.

After the very public rumors of her affair with Becks, Rebecca Loos showed up on British television shows and now Rebecca has decided to move to Los Angeles to give Hollywood famedom a shot. And I’m sure Posh is thrilled to have the former other woman back in the neighborhood.

So Victoria Beckham and her hubby David were out shopping…well, Posh was shopping, David was probably following three feet behind and trying not to get his fingers bitten if he put his hand between Posh and anything with a designer label.

And in hilarious Hollywood style, the Beckhams bumped into Queen Latifah on their outing. And that just makes me cock my head to the side and go “now that must have been a fun conversation.” Of course that’s assuming that the two girls could get close enough to hear each other…face it, there’s a whole lot of boobage between them.

Poor Paris Hilton. The celebutante who is so sure that everyone likes her has just been dissed by America’s newest robo-resident. Victoria Beckham has decidced that she’s too good for the likes of the ex-con heiress.

Paris told the London Sun that she and Posh could be more than BFF’s:

“I just know Victoria and I would get along. We could be soul mates.”

But Posh scoffed and reportedly told a friend:

“Over my dead body! We couldn’t be more different. You won’t catch me falling out of nightclubs with no knickers on.”

Of course this was before Vic was spotted in LA with her hubby’s hand between her legs. So she should have said “I’d never get caught without my knickers, but getting fingered in public is totally different.”

Dude, get a room. David Beckham should get one of those colored cards they throw around in soccer games for illegal use of hands in these pics. Becks and his robo-wife Victoria Beckham were spotted outside of The Little Door Restaurant doing…umm…this.

Maybe he was trying to shield his wife’s nether regions form the paparazzi, but seriously, this was the best idea he could come up with? Dude, stand in front of her, toss her a jacket, buy her a longer dress, teach her how to keep her legs closed when she gets put of a car but cupping her hoo-hah in public doesn’t exactly divert the attention.

Time to move. Posh Spice and her handsome husband David Backham have officially landed in La-La-Land. Victoria and Becks are being welcomed today by the LA Galaxy soccer team and just in time for Victoria’s new reality show to hit the tube on Monday. What a stunning and completely unplanned coincidence.

So, consider yourselves warned, within a month Posh will be everywhere. You won’t be able to walk down a street in Los Angeles without having to duck those indestructible boobies of hers. Not that I would mind a quick bump into Becks…that boy is yummy.

The Spice Girls just announced their who cares reunion tour and the claws are already out. The backstage whispers are that the bitching and backstabbing is picking up right where the girl power group left off.

From News of the World:

The source said: “Away from the cameras they are niggling away at each other and all vowing to be top dog. They had pledged to be calmer and collected but it is turning into an ego fest.”

The insider said: “At one stage she didn’t get a word in for ten minutes and she rolled her eyes. She looked put out.

So pretty much business as usual with the nicknamed girls. That would be the only reason I would even consider going to this concert…just to see if Posh tries to squash Ginger with her indestructible boobs or to see if Scarey finally really flips out and uses Baby Spice to beat the stuffing out of Eddie Murphy.

Girl Power is back. Of course now its more like Mommy Power, but whatever. The Spice Girls are getting back together for a reunion tour. Hmmm…nope, still don’t care, but here are some of the details.

From The Daily Mail:

The girl band will kick off a world tour in America. The five - now all in their thirties - will start on 7 December in Los Angeles - the new home of Posh Spice Victoria Beckham and her family…The reunion tour, which is set to hit London on December 15 and take in Madrid, Koln, Las Vegas, Sydney, Cape Town and Buenos Aires among others…will certainly be lucrative for the Spices. They are expected to pocket about £10 million each.”

And in honor of this not-at-all anticipated reunion of lip-synching, tell the nanny to take the kids to soccer moms, I have renamed all the Spices. Robo Spice, Whatever Happened to Her Spice, Hippie Spice, The Blonde One and Gonna Make Eddie Murphy Pay Spice. You can decide which one is which…like it matters.

Victoria Beckham just won a lawsuit against Star Magazine for printing a story about her film crew calling her “picky, demanding and rude.” Turns out the name calling didn’t happen…that time.

From TMZ:

Star claimed back in April that the crew of “Victoria Beckham: Coming to America” was complaining that Mrs. Beckham was “picky, demanding, and rude,” “full of herself,” and “not very nice.” (Not very nice? What is this, third grade?). Good scoop — except that it turns out, as Posh’s lawyer explained, that filming on the show hadn’t even started when the article was published.

Star’s parent company — Northern & Shell PLC — apologized in a British High Court today and agreed to pay Beckham’s legal costs and undisclosed but “substantial” damages, according to a report.

Damn those truth in journalism rules. Guess we’ll just have to watch Posh’s show to see if she’s “picky, demanding and rude.” Or wait until someone else loses their remote control and has to watch the show because they’re too lazy to walk across the room to change the channel and then ask them what they thought of it. That’s my plan.

Tom Cruise wants to get his hands on something hot. Rumor has it that Tom might be considering buying the LA Galaxy soccer team. And I’m sure the fact his good friend and extra-hot soccer star David Beckham recently inked a deal to play for the team has nothing to do with it. Surely the totally in touch with the pulse of pop culture Tom just thinks that soccer is about to take off in the US and he just wants to be in on the action.

The New Zealand Herald says:

The Hollywood actor is a huge soccer fan and wants to give his financial backing to the Los Angeles Galaxy.

Beckham signed for Galaxy this January on a reported 128 million five-year deal although he doesn’t start playing for them until next month.

Tom and his robo-wife Katie Holmes recently attened David’s last game with Real Madrid with Beck’s wife Victoria. The two photogenic couples have been spotted spending oodles of time together lately. And in one more “its all just a little incestuous” coincidence, Posh and Beck have three sons and one of them is named Cruz.

Victoria Beckham is taking her Posh-ness to the next level. Skinny Spice has launched her very own clothing line. Here she is at the big debut of her new label, dVb. And you know what, she still looks like an ugly mannequin that has been brought to life and is stalking kids at a summer camp by the lake.

Of course if Posh is making clothes in her size, I have no idea who other than Nicole Richie and the twiggy Olsen twin will be able to wear her label. But then again, maybe that is part of her evil mannequin plot.

Victoria Beckham has been named Glamour Magazine’s Woman of the Year. No, really, I’m serious. Stop laughing, I’m not kidding, but I wish I was. Were there even any requirments for this award? I mean Posh is mostly silicone, collagen, bleach and ribs. She barely qualifies as a woman at all anymore.

And here she is on the red carpet looking like a tranny secret agent who works part time as a hooker. Woman of the Year my ass. And yes, my ass would make a better woman of the year.

Victoria Beckham won’t be taking the reality show road to fame in the United States. Posh has backed out of her proposed “follow me around with cameras and try to make me look interesting” show.

From TMZ:

Posh Spice won’t be spicing up the reality TV universe anytime soon. Victoria Beckham has backed out of deal to star in a reality TV show for NBC about her move stateside with hubby David and kids. The doll-like diva told Brit rag “The Mirror” that family comes before fame. According to a “Mirror” source, “the TV series was a great launch pad for her career…but she felt she was being pushed into a corner and David was obviously always going to take priority.”

In other words, she was so boring that no one could figure out how to make this show work. There are only so many ways to make shopping and starving entertaining.

Looks like Victoria Beckham is taking the traditional route to fame in Los Angeles. No, not hard work and talent. Posh seems to be going with publicity stunts and tight shirts.

Anyway, here’s Posh turning a traffic stop into an epic movie. She not only got pulled over, she had her entire film crew ready and waiting to catch every moment. Now if only she had a reality show that needed something more exciting to show than Posh shopping and not eating. Oh wait, she does.

And if that isn’t enough to shoot Posh straight to the top of the “please look at me” list, try this one on for size. According to the New York Daily News:

Posh staged a bizarre publicity visit Monday to the Pleasure Chest sex shop in West Hollywood, accompanied by a blowup doll dressed like her as a “decoy.” How cheeky! The paparazzi were tipped off and waiting.

So Posh’s tv show involves cops and blow-up dolls. Are we sure it isn’t a porno?