Although rumors are circulating that John Mayer is now banging Kristin Cavallari, he’s issued a few crazy-man tweets deny this activity.

Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman…I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis.
I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.
My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli.
I’m sure she’s a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.

Um, that’s just creepy, folks. There was no need to bring up Milli Vanilli in this. I am not sure what even half of those mentioned items are, but I can tell you this, seeing they involve Kristin Cavallari, I’d totally do them. Here are more Kristin Cavallari pictures, unless you prefer her bikini pictures, in which case, click here.

What….seriously, WHAT is going on in these pictures taken on a cruise ship in Mexico? Not only did John Mayer dump Jennifer Aniston, he celebrated by going on a gay cruise. And being gay. Wow, Jen must feel on top of the world this morning! This has to be the weirdest thing ever. Nothing good ever happens after you dump Jennifer Aniston, just look at Brad Pitt now. Its the curse of Jennifer Aniston, I say!

Poor Jennifer Aniston just can’t catch a break. Last time it was villianess, Angelina Jolie, that broke up her relationship. This time its Twitter. Yes, I am serious.

The source said: “John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her emails and when she would finally catch up with him, he’d say: ‘I’ve been so busy with work. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to call you back.”
The source added: “Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates.
“Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’.”
It has also been claimed musician John made no attempt to cover up his Twitters.
The source said: “He didn’t even deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she called him on it and ended things, he just said OK, and that he was sorry it didn’t work out.
“He took the break-up like a man.”
Even so, shortly after Aniston’s call, Mayer’s Twitter update read: ‘This heart didn’t come with instructions.’

Talk about totally humiliating. When Jen is needing some man-love, John is telling the world, “Just went to bathroom, may go to Target. Not sure yet.” That’s bad.

Jennifer Aniston just can’t seem to find the right man, even after just recently turning the big 40. John Mayer has reportedly sent Aniston packing and she will no longer be a resident of John’s wonderland.

“He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour,” the source said.
Aniston’s rep did not immediately comment. Mayer’s rep declined to comment on the singer’s personal life.
Aniston recently opened up about love and romance to the U.K. magazine You. “Who ever said that every relationship has to last forever? That’s hoping too much,” said Aniston, who turned 40 exactly a month ago. “I think every relationship is a world unto itself.”

As for finding the perfect partner, she said, “I don’t have one and I don’t think it exists.”

Apparently Jen has changed her mind, because she sure must have thought Brad Pitt was the perfect mate. She still hasn’t stopped blabbing about that one. I would assume Mayer got tired of her running interference on 20 year old cocktail waitresses. The wonderland is back open for business.

John Mayer is celebrating Jennifer Aniston’s 40th birthday by giving her a song he wrote. How sweet. More from People.

John Mayer has prepared his own serenade to help his girlfriend celebrate the big 4-0.
“He did write a special song just for her for her birthday,” a source tells PEOPLE of the Grammy winner. No word yet on his performance!

Ok, so, John, she’s turning 40. Why not get her a 5 year supply of Botox injections? Ok, maybe 6 months considering how fast you tend to roll through women. But seriously, she’s turning 40. Hey I realize she has held up well, but at some point she has to hit the wall. Just keepin’ it real.

John Mayer has decided to make a video for Youtube. And I don’t get it. Apparently he is the guy from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which must make Jennifer Aniston get all swirly inside. I say don’t watch it. Hey, I had to post it, its news and I am a journalist.

I can almost see it now <insert cheesy movie plotline>. John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston at the alter, just removed of vows, right at the point of liplocking, Brad Pitt comes speeding down the aisle on a white horse and sweeps Jen away, leaving John singing “Your body was a wonderland…”

Ok, maybe that will not be what happens. Anyways, apparently Mayer is too good to buy Jen a normal 10 million dollar ring. Those just aren’t good enough. So he is building one, according to Star.

“Money’s no object for John,” an insider tells Star of the bauble. “He didn’t want to buy something that anyone else had, so he sketched it and is having it custom-made.”
Meanwhile, John’s professional life is booming as well as he’s in talks to create a music and variety show that will air on CBS.

Even after John Mayer helped her get all that media whoring attention to her number 1 holiday movie, Marley and Me, he has been demoted to Jen’s B-List New Year’s Eve lineup. Here is more from People.

While the couple appear to be staying in separate residences, their places are just a short drive away – and are connected by a private beach perfect for long walks at sunset.
Aniston is making a tradition of spending the holidays with the Arquettes, having spent a festive night out with them at Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve.

So basically, if nothing better comes up, she calls John. I wonder if he will leave the Cabo strip clubs immediately when she calls? I wouldn’t. I’d make her wait. But that’s just me and I am not a nice guy. Particularly to hot starlets. I mean, I get them all the time also, John.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston went out for a Speidi-style date in New York City last night, basically attracting photographers, being all cuddly, and of course, plugging Jen’s new movie, Marley and Me. How convenient!

Anyone else getting tired of Jen in the media? Its becoming a bit too Paris for me. She’s still hot though. Here is more from Us Magazine.

While walking, he plugged her new movie Marley & Me.
“I’m happy to report the movie is completely in focus,” he told photographers as Aniston laughed. “I want everyone to know that.”
Then he joked that he and Aniston were walking all the way to Harlem.
“90 more blocks, guys!” he teased photographers. “90 more blocks!”

And apparently, the Mayer is on board. John Mayer has been reading a bunch of fertility books and Jen has been going through fertility treatments. Talk about playing God? How weird. Why on earth would you want to have twins? I think John Mayer just wants to keep the no condom policy in play. I mean, I can’t think of any other reason for such non-sense.

Other than, oh yeah, copying Brad Pitt? Here is what the Star had to say.

Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John. As we told readers earlier this year, Jen’s biological clock began ticking so loudly that she had some of her eggs frozen just in case she didn’t meet Mr. Right in time. But now that she’s proposed to John — as Star also reported — and he’s excited about being a dad, she’s doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She’s even been having alternative medicine treatments to increase her chances of having twins.
“She knows her baby-making years are limited,” says a source. “It’s hard for her to think of anything else — she has babies on the brain!”

He ordered a bunch of books on Amazon about pregnancy and parenting,” another source reveals. “He’s just as eager as Jen is. They’ve discussed how they plan to raise their kids, and they agree on mostly everything. They can’t wait to be parents together.”