I know, you woke up this morning seeking the news of the world. An interesting and compelling human insight story. A story that would put you on the precipice of complete mind wandering intrigue.

Well, this is not that story. So step back for a few moments from the precipice.

Hilary Duff did quite possibly the most boring interview with People Magazine about her new baby, Luca. If she’d have talked about how Lucas came out of her vagina while in a hospital, this interview would have been 100 times more compelling.

Oh man. Ok, first off, lets examine the title of this puppy, “Hillary Duff: Motherhood’s ‘Biggest shock’ is no sleep.”

I fear greatly the day that Hillary discovers that China is not just some Ewok village that produces cool socks for the world. How in the heck is one shocked by a baby keeping you up at night? Her entire life must have been thrilling, “mommy guess what I saw a video and school today and we put a man on the moon!”

via People:
“The first week I was like, ‘I’m doing this, I’m good. I can not sleep, I can do this.’ I don’t know where you get that energy from,” Duff, 24, tells PEOPLE. “Then it hits you — the fatigue.”… But two weeks later the late-night feedings turned a corner and Luca has been nothing short of a star sleeper, the proud mama raves.

It must be a struggle when your nanny gives you a daily report on how this kid is progressing. Imagine having to shuffle your schedule around just to make time to meet with her? But it’s nice to hear that the baby is a great sleeper, which I interpret as her having excellent walls and a nanny that doesn’t wear loud shoes in the home.

and

“So many people were like, ‘Take naps when your baby naps,’” she recalls. “So I tried and it really helped a lot. I thought when he was napping that was the time I could do all the things I needed to do. It’s a fine balance.”

What things did you possibly need to do? Can’t the stylist come to your home? I am sure you can send your personal shopper to The Grove, everything will be fine.

I swear, some of these celebs think that when they give birth it’s like totally different experience from the rest of us. Now I can’t give birth, because I am a man. So in a way she is right, but not really.

Here are some pictures of Hilary Duff pregnant and struggling with thousands of dollars in shopping good while in Beverly Hills. Compelling, I know.

Are you hungover this morning? Well before you have that bloody mary and paradise pancakes from iHop, I have brought to you a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model shoot with Miranda Kerr. Yes, Minranda Kerr, the paradise within your pancakes. The wings beneath your libido. The endless lame metaphors that I will stop immediately.

Miranda is a buddhist who is known to chant every morning and night. I somehow think this is total BS because no way would she do something like that and ruin my image of her. Unless she practices this Buddhism naked, which would then make up considerable ground. She also says coconut oil is the key to her incredible looks.

One second, I need to go online and mass order coconut oil. I am going to start sneaking this stuff into the whoppers of some of the girls that I date and see if it helps any.

I hope Miranda Kerr in lingerie and half naked makes your Saturday even better.

And in other news, Hitler’s hologram has been invited to speak at the Museum of Tolerance this weekend in Los Angeles. Ok, maybe not, but did you notice how it beheld the same fury of total shock and disgust? Apparently this is all on Gret Van Sustren. Shocker.

via Gawker:
Kardashian was invited by the news network; Greta Van Susteren and her husband John Coale invited Lohan.
Kardashian is no stranger to the gala, having attended in 2010 with Van Susteren. Her plus-one for the evening will be momager Kris Jenner. Lohan’s publicist told WaPo’s The Reliable Source that his client will be bringing along her defense attorney Shawn Holley.

Because of this ridiculousness, Greta Van Sustren is somehow pulling the impractical and becoming more annoying than her dinner guest Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan. Why? Because she somehow is pompous enough to think that inviting these two will make her appear to be above the laws of not looking like an idiot. This is kinda like when you see some douchebag on the street wearing an Affliction shirt and you are all like “idiot douchebag,” but then you see that same shirt on say a big UFC fighter like Chuck Liddel and you are all like “he is bad a#$.”

Kardashian and Lohan are the bad Affliction shirt that are still bad when worn by Van Sustren and her stupid husband John Coale. I can only assume this is for some show she is doing which makes it even more pathetic. Unless she thinks she is being savvy and leaving the current administration a political message. You know, like leaving a bag of poo on fire on the front door step for Obama to come out and smash with his foot. But if that’s the case, then leave a bag of poo on fire on the doorstep. Don’t make Lohan and Kardashian your poo guest. Lohan can’t even be on time for the show Glee, how do you expect her to make a White House dinner on time?

In honor of this Government day of mourning, I leave you with some pictures of Kim Kardashian in tight business casual pants. But only because I have a heart.

Sigh, really, what else do you need to know here?

Oh wait, maybe I should have led with The Swiss Family Robinson missing their hot MILF member. Now Found.

My bad.

An oncoming MILF with a hot body laying out in Miami. I say oncoming because she is still early 30s and I am not sold that’s complete MILF status as it seems unfair to the other MILFs competing for queen body title. I mean, look at Michelle Hunzinker in her gold laden bikini laying out in tropical Miami. This story has less holes in it than swiss cheese, its literally perfect. Sexy foreign girl bikini Miami bad-Pamela-Anderson-tattoo. Its all the components that win journalist like me Pulitzers.

Now that you are just rotting away in your cubicle waiting for 5:00 to roll around so you can hit the happy hour and get some $1.50 Coronas and get so messy that you slobber on some random girl’s friends taco platter, you can now peruse a swiss model’s bikini pictures. That’s a dignified way to spend your crappy work hours. And that’s all due to my fantastic journalistic skills. You see how that works?

Lindsay Lohan is up to her old tricks again. After a night out on the town, she apparently wasn’t able to make the Glee call time (she showed up late). I wonder how Dot Marie Jones feels about Lohan’s late arrival? Oh wait, we don’t have to wonder, she was tweeting!

via TMZ:
Lindsay Lohan was late this morning for her guest appearance on “Glee” … following a night out on the town. Coincidence?
Dot Marie Jones — who plays Coach Beiste on the show — tweeted, “Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I’d rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late!”
Dot didn’t say who was late, but we’ve confirmed the person MIA was LiLo.

I love twitter. Honestly, what was the world before twitter? Please don’t even talk about that world, it frightens me thinking we had to live our waking moments without knowing every little detail of a celebrities feelings.

So Lindsay Lohan still sucks. And not in the good way. That’s the moral of Jones’ tweet. Of course I am sure the Lohan excuse will involve late night escapades whereas although surrounded by mass quantities of blow and booze, she had none of it. And she just happened on being late because someone gave her the incorrect call time, although the rest of the cast got lucky by being late to the wrong call time which inevitably made them on time for call time. Yeah, that’s how this will roll.

I would totally still hit it though. That needs to be said. Enjoy your Thursday and click the pictures as many times as you want, I got a special hosting deal that offers unlimited Lohan picture clips.

Minka Kelly visited Washington DC’s George Washington University for the Millennium Challenge Corporation Forum, where she spoke to an audience who reportedly couldn’t focus on anything but her incredible cleavage. In the same way Minka’s boobs bring recognition to those suffering from poverty, they ironically are really freaking distracting from the issue at the same time. It is Thursday, what could be better than this post? Well I guess there are things that could be better but whatever.

The former Charlie’s Angel star (yes, I know, show sucked but I like saying it anyways) is trying to stay “abreast” the topic of poverty by attending events like this. Because sharing is caring. Sharing big incredible racks like Minka’s, that is.

By the way, Minka is 31 and still has some gas left in the tank / breast. Who would have thought the daughter of an Aersosmith guitarist and a stripper would flourish so well? Heck, who would have even thought she’d be even halfway normal? Basically Minka Kelly’s cleavage is the result of a rock star meeting a stripper. Awesome.

I hope you enjoy the pictures of Minka Kelly’s summer dress breast shots. Or enjoy the guy in the bad suit with the creepy mustache. It’s not my place to tell you how to live your lives homies.

Beyonce is getting back to being the queen of hotness, which she is now crediting to her recently giving birth to a baby with a weird name. I’m not repeating the name here because that will help spread celebrity evil.

Blue Ivy Carter.

Crap, now look what I’ve done!!! Release the celebrity evil!

via People:
I feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt because I’ve given birth,” says PEOPLE’s 2012 World’s Most Beautiful Woman. “I have never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth.

This news is very upsetting to me. Someone make damn sure that Megan Fox does not hear this gibberish being muttled about. This is the type of rhetoric that spreads and convinces women that having kids is a good thing to do, almost natural. It’s bad enough that us men have to battle things like evolution without having Beyoncelution coming in and sideswiping us as well.

Listen “all the ladies,” Beyonce is hot because she is super rich and because God loves her more than the rest of you. Plain and simple, folks. Also because JayZ is a rapper. Ok not really sure why that has an effect but I am just so sure it does that I am including it. I don’t want to hear anymore of this crap going around. Beyonce snapped back, sure, but lets not get any silly ideas.

Remember people, celebrities can be different from the rest of us. They live in a world of fantasy and photoshop. Babies make girls ugly. It’s proven.

Seriously, if you aren’t interested in a post with the title, “Sara Jean Underwood nude,” you should probably pack your bags and immediately hop a bus that takes you back to Lamewood so that you don’t bring the rest of us down. Today is Wednesday, and just the mere fact alone that I spelled the day correct is already wonderful, but when you add on that I have discovered photos of Sara Jean Underwood doing yoga while nude, well today is a splendid day. I could barely get out of bed, I was fantasizing that I was Ryan Seacrest.

Slow down, Seacrest bangs Sara. Ok, that’s probably still not a good enough excuse, so I will be absolutely honest: I love American Idol and really feel like I’d make a great host for the show. If there is anyone on earth that could keep Jennifer Lopez happy, its Casper. Well and more to the point, myself.

Ok, back on point here: Sara Jean Underwood. Naked. Yoga. Posing. Incredible breast. Blonde. Flexible.

Do I have your attention? If I do, you fail. Sara should have your attention. Nude models always trump brilliant journalist like myself.

You people worry me. Click the photos to redeem.

So apparently the rumor that Brian Austin Green’s penis is fertile might actually be true, according to E! News who is reporting that Megan Fox wants not just one kid, but maybe even several.

via E! News:
If Fox has her way, the baby could be the start of something big for her and Green, who tied the knot in June 2010.
“I want at least two, probably three kids,” the Friends With Kids actress says in the April issue of Cosmopolitan. “I’ve always been maternal.”

So yes, if you are keeping tabs, this means that Brian Austin Green gets to have sex with Megan Fox at least two more potential times. Three more times if this pregnancy isn’t true, which leaves me torn as to how much I actually hope that’s it true. Do I want Megan Fox’s body to endure pregnancy less than I want Brian Austin Green to have 3 wishes left from the bottle rather than 2? These are difficult decisions for an early Tuesday morning.

I have put up a gallery of pictures of the two of them walking about in Los Angeles. If you don’t look closely, you will notice that Brian Austin Green is putting on his “I may MMA someone if my coffee isn’t perfect” face. Or maybe that’s just the way a guy that fertilizes Megan Fox’s eggs looks these days? I wouldn’t know. I don’t get those opportunities. Anyways, get the point, Megan Fox is not going to be as hot as she has always been. Everyone just needs to get used to it. Time, they are a changing.

Seriously, how the heck is Denise Richards 41 years old? It’s almost as if time has just stood still and preserved her uber-hotness. She is still in her 1999 Worst Actress Razzie form for her role in The World Is Not Enough, I swear she still looks the same. Can you imagine being considered one of the worst Bond girls of all time? That hurts. But what doesn’t hurt is still being this hot at 41 and probably being able to still bother Charlie Sheen a little bit.

Hey, a “little bit” is saying a lot seeing that dude is probably only hooking up with 20 year old Internet porn stars. I’m not going to say that Richards isn’t all bottomed out or anything, but still, at 41, you’d still think some age would show. Right now she’s pretty epic for a 41 year old woman, she looks more like 28 if you want my professional opinion. And a professional opinion I must say I have. I too have studied Internet porn models now for what must be the past 10 years, so if its one thing I know well, its discourse in youthful women and recurring memberships and which videos work on which type of computers and how to hide your screen when a Starbucks employee starts sweeping near you.

Yep, I’m as qualified as anyone to assess that Denise Richards is super sexy at 41 years old.

Currently Richards and Sheen share custody of their children. Denise also adopted a child last year named Eloise Joni. In her free time, Richards frolics on the beach in blue tank tops while smiling for the cameras. Think I’m lying? Well the proof is in the picture gallery. Why aren’t you clicking? Don’t hurt my feelings by not clicking the pictures….